PODCAST & BLOG

PODCAST & BLOG

This archived post was originally published on August 25th, 2010. 


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This blog is supposed to be all about empowering women, to lead their best lives. I try my best to make the best out of everything, to put a positive spin on things, to talk about my struggles and how I overcame them. It brings me great joy to know that someone reading might take my words and have a little hope.

But, this post isn't about that.

I recently told my coach that motherhood has forced me to dig to the deepest parts of me to find the most patience I have. I have dug, and dug and dug. And there isn't any left. I'm all out. I have hit slammed into a wall recently and am wondering when the “God doesn't give you more than you can handle” statement will be flung at me like monkeys throwing shit at the zoo. Which by the way, I don't even want to get into complaining about how much shit I've been dealing with on a literal standpoint in this house.

So, what is this post about? Well, I understand that you, reading this, are not the complaint department. But, I'd like to confess that my gremlin has got the best of me lately. And she's hit be below the belt, right in the uterus. She's laughing hysterically and pointing and saying,

You are the worst mother in the world. 

In our world, the pressure of  “Keep it together, lady. Don't let them see you sweat, or cry, or fly off the handle,” it's next to impossible for me. When my 3 year old son gets in my face and screams, “NOOOOOOOO!” at the top of his lungs I think, “Does this child hate me? This beautiful boy, my first born that has my heart in his hands?” And when my 11 month old daughter clings to me and cries when I drop her off at daycare for the 4 hours that she will be away from me 3 times a week, I think, “For pete's sake, she's still nursing! How could I leave her?”
You are the worst mother in the world.

I mean really, it's the only possible explanation.
I don't think I ever knew pain until I experienced mommy guilt. No one tells you before you have kids that it's a package deal. No one tells you that the pain of mommy guilt will wreck you from the inside out. I spent all that time before I had kids with my head in the clouds thinking motherhood is about hearts and rainbows.
Again,
You are the worst mother in the world.
I type all these words and think, “You know there are people out there that can't have kids. That would give their right arm to have them, all of it, guilt and all.”
So, yet again,
You are the worst mother in the world.
But, I'm human. And I'm having a really, really hard time.
One of my favorite scenes from the movie, “Forrest Gump”, Forrest is running when a reporter approaches him. Forrest runs through dog shit:
Reporter: Man! You just ran through a big pile of dog shit!
Forrest: It happens.
Reporter: What? Shit?
Forrest: Sometimes……
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