Last week I was cleaning up my gmail folders and came across a folder where I had saved all of the email exchanges from my mine and my husband’s first year of corresponding. Some of them were funny, like when I told him I was bringing Oreo’s over to watch a movie (he had braces at the time we met…he didn’t think it was so funny). And it was funny to see us start flirting in our emails after being just friends for a while.
But, this particular email struck me. You see, it had been a rough year and a half for me. I went through an ugly divorce, and right after that my sister introduced me to Jason via email. We tried to connect but he was traveling so much with work, it never happened (I fully believe the Universe was conspiring with us because had we met then, I wasn’t ready for him. I needed to go through almost a full additional year of hell). I ended up in another really, really unhealthy relationship which ended badly.
Jason heard from my sister that I was having a hard time and he reached out. We agreed to meet (we were clear it was not a date) and this is one of our emails before we met up:
Here’s what’s happening in this email:
I gave voice to the fact that I was setting the intention to surround myself with awesomeness.
I was just emerging out of my 20’s where it had been one big party coupled with addictive and unhealthy behaviors. Just before I met Jason I knew I was DONE. I was tired of attracting drama and chaos. I was tired of not knowing how to set boundaries and letting myself get treated like shit. I was sick of playing small.
All the people I knew who had great lives had a few things in common; and one of them was they surrounded themselves with people that they admired, had the same values as them, and brought positivity and light in their lives. I was bound and determined to find those people.
I was actively seeking out ways to improve myself and wanted to spend time with people who were open to that.
The movie “The Secret” was just one of MANY things I did to immerse myself in personal development. There were books, workshops, more books, journaling, and seeing my therapist. In a way, I was testing the waters with Jason to see if he was up for a little New Age woo-woo movie. And for the record, he actually went to Target and bought me the DVD before I came over. (And BTW, Blockbuster was a place that no longer exists where you could go and rent DVD's!)
I gave voice to the fact that I knew deep down I was worthy.
It actually saddens me to read this and know that in the beginning of the third paragraph it’s obvious that when I went through my shit-storm, I questioned if I was a good person or not. I thought something had to be wrong with me, or that I was broken to have been treated like I did. That I had to actually ask people around me if I was a good person. However, I knew full well what had happened and why. And I knew very well that I was ready to change the source of my problems: Me.
I share this with you for a very specific reason: To point out that everyone has the power within them to DECIDE they are worthy of love and belonging. No one talked to me about this as I was growing up. I never took a class or a workshop before this. I had to decide on my own, and then do the work. Sure, along this journey I've questioned my worthiness here and there, but now nearly 8 years later those moments of feeling unworthy are gone. I still have pain and hardship— but I don't question my worthiness.
So, for you. You don't have to go through some life changing fall-on-your-face event. But, what's really helpful when you start to improve yourself whether you're looking for love or just to improve your life is to DECIDE what you want. Decide who you want to spend time with. Decide what you want to spend your time doing. Decide you are worth it all and that you are done with all the shitty things that have held you down from your best you.