Hi ass kickers!
Welcome to another Listener Q & A episode! I have my friend Kate on again as we tackle two questions from the YKAL community. Here is question 1:
I found your recovery series compelling and now I know why. I am involved in a long-term relationship with an alcoholic (or at least I think so).
My question is this: I do not know whether I should stay or go. I try to do research on a book to read and to get more information and it is pretty confusing. My therapist agrees that I should leave him. I see book reviews on books that say I should love and understand him and then he and I (codependent) can both heal. I do not know what book to read. I do not know what to do. I just know that my brain is big ball of string when I try to untangle this, and my heart is broken in pieces. -Kathryn
Kate and I are both in agreement that Kathryn should start by taking care of herself, and give her a couple of resources to do that. We discuss the very important thing Kathryn should be clear about before she decides to leave (if she ever decides that) that anyone can contemplate before leaving a committed relationship.
Question 2 is:
I'm not even talking about major curveballs. On Monday I had a goal that I was going to clamp down on for my business. Today was the day.
Then the landlady knocks on the door to say that today is the day the guy is coming to paint, and sorry she didn't tell me earlier, she didn't want to bother me yesterday.
Then I decide to make a plan with a friend of mine to go to her house, so that I don't end up sleeping in paint fumes all day and trying to work in chaos. It works out so perfectly because she happens to be in my area at that very moment and she is able to pick up.
The point is, that day ended up being more of a tagging along doing my friend's errands (one of which has been a huge blessing – saving me a bit of money). But, I couldn't help feeling like I “should” be clamping down on the original goal.
I'll be honest and say that some of my anxiety was due to the fear of lack of focus when I was not in my own home, and I am still learning about how to put up boundaries when I'm with other people and say “hey, I'm kinda working, could you leave me alone?” I am still learning how not to always be the accommodating rather than a decision maker.
I just am tired of that and wanna grow up. So, how does an empowered woman, not go down that spiral and instead recognise what's happening when there is a curveball and use it efficiently? -Niki
Kate and I answer what seems like two questions from Niki: how to say “no” in a polite, yet firm way, and how to surrender to life when things don’t go as planned. We both have different viewpoints about productivity, share our personal experience there and give Niki advice about what to ask herself in those frustrating situations.
Resources from this podcast:
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Contact page to submit your Listener Q for a possible upcoming episode
Previous Listener Q & A episode with Kate about anxiety
Codependent No More, and the Codependent No More Workbook by Melody Beattie
The Surrender Experiment, by Michael A. Singer
Link to Kate Anthony’s website