In episode 203 I mentioned a friend of mine where she had broken up with me in 2007 when I had all that drama in my life. I’m circling back in this episode to tell you what happened. Here’s a quick timeline:
2007: She told me she needed a break from me, as her mom was ill and I had too much drama. She was right, but it was still devastating.
2008: My life was back on track, her mom was well again, and we were friends again.
2011: We moved and we lost touch somewhat.
2012: I wrote her a three-page letter making amends to her for what I had known and remembered I had done wrong in our friendship. I also told her how much I missed her and that I would love to have her friendship again. She emailed me, acknowledging my letter and accepting my apology. She asked if we could catch up via email first. She told me a bit about what was going on in her life, I replied and did the same. Then, nothing. I followed up with another email, and nothing.
I was devastated. I wrote about this in my book, how I never knew what happened. I agonized over what I said in the email, thinking I had said something wrong. I did a lot of work on letting it all go.
October 2017: I never, ever check my “other” messages on Facebook. It’s usually creepy marriage proposals, but for some reason, I felt compelled to check. Lo and behold, there’s a message from my friend. She said hello, said she’s been thinking of me, asked how I was, and said she hoped me, the kids and Jason are well.
I felt like someone had punched me in the face.
It felt like a long-lost boyfriend whom I was in love with that had dumped me and then was circling back with a casual, hi! How are you? I had done all this work to forgive myself, to forgive her, to let her go and here she was again. Like digging up a dead body.
I replied a couple of days later and told her I would be in San Diego in January and did she want to meet up? I tried my best to not hold onto any outcomes that I wanted, but I knew I couldn't have this casual, blasé relationship. We made plans to have lunch.
I also think part of why her and that friendship held so much weight and emotion was because she was there when the ship went down for me. “I watched you weather so much then, my heart broke for you over and over again.” She said.
I knew I was walking into discomfort and comfort at the same time. Someone who knew me then. Someone who genuinely loved me and had been through her own growth over the last decade too. Someone who was willing to hear everything I had to say and was willing to say all the hard things she felt too.
The three hour lunch was incredibly healing for both of us. She told the story of losing her mom in 2016 and I told her about losing my dad. We talked about motherhood and marriage and laughed about things we hadn’t thought about in ten years. I told her how hard it was for me to get her email last October, that I was still so afraid to let her back in. She apologized, telling me in 2012 when she never replied to my email, she wasn’t sure she was ready to let me back in, but didn’t have the words to talk to me about it. So, she backed away quietly.
Our friendships can hold as much emotion and break our hearts just like our romantic relationships can. It’s imperative that we honor that– whether the person circles back like my friend did or they don’t.
I never would have thought it would turn out how it did. But, I guess when you surrender the Universe sometimes hands you what you need.
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