When I decided to create a special series to celebrate my third book, Make Some Noise, I knew Jess King needed to be a part of it. And, y’all I had so many questions to ask Jess, based on topics in my book. Her answers did not disappoint! So yes, this week, Jess King, joins me to talk about asking for what you want, making pleasure a priority, and resilience.
Jess is a charismatic Peloton instructor with boundless energy and a passion for movement. With a background in dance, performance, and fitness, Jess grew up down South and moved to NYC to commit to a career in wellness. Jess’s self-proclaimed sassy and spicy personality make her Bike and Tread classes uplifting and full of exciting surprises. Jess is committed to helping people heal from the inside out, and she believes that this community is the perfect place to start that journey. Her focus is to partner with motivated individuals looking to transform their lives — and together, they burn.
✨ By the way, you can watch this episode on YouTube. Head over here to check it out! Or if audio is your preference, listen on this page or on your favorite podcast listening app. I’d love to hear what you think about this series so far – let me know over on Instagram @heyandreaowen.
In this episode you’ll hear:
- Asking for what you want as a woman, and Jess’s take on the topic. How Jess makes pleasure a priority in her life. (8:15)
- Self-confidence and the knowledge that you are not going to get what you want by being a “Yes,” person. (26:46)
- Jess shares her experience with being shamed by men in her life for her free and expressive behavior as a teenager in the South. (28:47)
- An exercise that will help women take up space physically. (41:38)
Resources mentioned in this episode:
Pre-orders for my next book, Make Some Noise, are open! Grab Your Free Bonuses! Get all the details at AndreaOwen.com/noise
Join me for a free Virtual Book Event On Tuesday, September 7th at 4:00pm PDT. Visit Warwick's website here, for all the details. Hope to see you there!
Jess is a charismatic Peloton instructor with boundless energy and a passion for movement. With a background in dance, performance and fitness, Jess grew up down South and moved to NYC to commit to a career in wellness. Jess’s self-proclaimed sassy and spicy personality make her Bike and Tread classes uplifting and full of exciting surprises. Jess is committed to helping people heal from the inside out, and she believes that this community is the perfect place to start that journey. Her focus is to partner with motivated individuals looking to transform their lives — and together, they burn.
I had to be in the experience of consciously breeding that love in surrendering the fear crying. And it's amazing how when you become the observer of that type of experience, that the truth surfaces. That feeling that whatever it is that you need to hear or understand the lightbulb moment, for me, it really, really shows up. But not until I like, shut it down. I'm talking about does it, I'm not worried about other people thinking I'm not on social media. I'm not. I have to, like isolate, shut it down and for 10 to 20 minutes, swirl, like swirl, swirl, swirl. And eventually that's the that's the way for me that I that I shift. And it was amazing. I could breathe, and my back pain subsided within 20 minutes. It was that instant.
You're listening to Make Some Noise Podcast episode number 403 with guest Jess King.
Welcome to Make Some Noise Podcast, your guide for strategies, tools, and insight to empower yourself. I'm your host, Andrea Owen, global speaker, entrepreneur, life coach since 2007, an author of three books that have been translated into 18 languages and are available in 22 countries. Each week, I'll bring you a guest or a lesson that will help you maximize unshakable confidence, master resilience, and make some noise in your life. You ready? Let's go.
Hello, everyone. Welcome back to another episode of the podcast to the eight-episode series that I'm calling Make Some Noise on the Make Some Noise Podcast to celebrate my book, Make Some Noise. How original? Well, I just I didn't want to title it anything else because I hand-selected these women. And these are women who are making noise in their life that I have noticed. And I wanted to ask them questions. How did you do it? What are you doing? Were you raised this way? Did you get special lessons from your parents or mentors growing up? Tell us everything. And this episode with our guest today is going to be incredibly helpful to you. I have known Jess King for a while now. And she was one of the last people I had lunch with in person before the bottom dropped out in early March 2020. I was in Manhattan, and we hooked up and it’s just sort of bittersweet. You know those last few weeks that we had before COVID happened.
But anyway, switching gears, let's not talk about that. Let's talk about something exciting. I'm offering a free book club for anyone who wants to join who doesn't love a book club? Who doesn't love a free book club offered by the author of the book that you are reading and that you like? We did this a few years ago when how to start feeling like shit came out. It was a huge success. And I wanted to do it again for you all. If you have already signed up for the book bonuses, if you have preordered, make some noise, this information should be all already in there. And you should be on the list where you're going to get emails about the book club, totally optional. You can unsubscribe if you if you don't want to join or just ignore it. I would I would love to see you in there. It's really fun. We're going to do a pop-up Facebook group during the time that we have the book club, it starts towards the end of September giving you some time to read it. I don't want anyone to feel rushed. And if you have not preordered the book, you can do so at AndreaOwen.com/noise. And the reason that we push preorders so much. I've mentioned this a couple times on the podcast. But for those of you who don't know, there is no other metric that retailers and publishers have other than the pre order period. It's that first week that a book has its it's called a pub date of publication date. And so mine is on August 31. So anything sold before September 7, which is you know, August 31 to September 7 makes it a week. But anything preordered before that counts as sold within that first week.
One of the things I really want, that's kind of a dream of mine is to see my book at Target. Neither of my first books have been at Target. They've been in bookstores, they've been in airports, and that's really exciting to see your book in an airport. But they've never been in a Target. I want to be able to go in there and see it and make videos and embarrass my children and and you know hold it up and scream that it's me in my local Greensboro Target. And I asked my editor, will my book be in Target. And she said they didn't buy it yet, but they're going to be watching. They're one of the retailers that's going to be watching to see how it sells. So my plea to you is to preorder or buy it within that first week. It doesn't matter if it's audio book or print or eBook, all sales go to this one stat that people are looking at to see. It's the only metric they have to see if it's a book is going to be successful. It doesn't necessarily mean it's going to be super successful, but it's the number they look at hence me begging and pleading with y'all to please preorder the book. So book club starts end of September AndreaOwen.com/noise. If you have already purchased the book, but you have not collected Your bonuses, you can go over to AndreaOwen.com/MSN. And if you are having trouble, you can always contact us from our contact page and my team will help you out.
So let's get to move on to this episode. Also, if you're listening to this via audio, all of these episodes are on video as well. I don't normally do this, it's usually just recorded on audio for the podcast. But for these eight episodes, they're on video. So if you want to see sort of behind the scenes, what it looks like, my microphone and all that good stuff, as well as my beautiful gorgeous guests, then hop on over to YouTube. The link will be in the show notes for you to be able to watch the episode as well as listen to it.
Let me tell you a little bit about my guest today. For those of you that don't know her. Jess King is a charismatic peloton instructor with boundless energy and a passion for movement. With a background in dance performance and fitness Jess grew up down south and moved to New York City to commit to a career in wellness. Jess is a self-proclaimed a sassy and spicy personality make her bike and tread classes uplifting and full of exciting surprises. Jess is committed to helping people heal from the inside out. And she believes that this community of peloton is the perfect place to start that journey. Her focus is to partner with motivated individuals looking to transform their lives. And together they burn. So without further ado, here is Jess King.
Hey, hey, Jess King. Welcome to the show.
Well, hello, Andrea Owen, I'm so excited to be here. Thank you for having me.
I am doing my big mouth excited face for those people who are just listening on audio and not watching on video. My first question is, why not? Go over to the video and you can watch us talk. And I have so many questions for you. I have so many questions for you. All based around a lot of the topics I talked about Make Some Noise. And I was thinking about this particular series cuz I can't I can't remember I told you or not. This is a special series I'm doing just for this, this book promotion. And I chose a handful of women who I know make noise in their lives. And you were one of the first people I thought of.
Yeah, I'm pretty loud.
As a guest to the show a little bit. And but that's not necessarily what making noise is. A woman who is maybe inherently more introverted, who likes to observe a little bit more before she speaks, she can definitely make noise in her life. So one of the things that I talk about in this book is asking for everything you want as a woman. And so tell us about a time where you have had to ask for something that you want or just what generally what is your take about that?
I asked for everything. I, my mom was an immigrant from Santiago, Chile and so she was taught from a very young age, if you don't know, ask, and of course that was before you could Google it. Right? So, I was in the habit of opening my mouth and asking for help. But so much so that I think I had to look at it another way. It's like, can I answer this? can I solve this on my own, because I was so comfortable. Reaching out asking for questions, telling people what it is that I wanted, but rather than recruit everyone around me, it was how much of agency could I take on myself to get the things that I wanted. And when I finally hit a wall or a roadblock, or I needed to collaborate with someone, that's when I would extend, you know my hand and say, hey, excuse me on a shirt, make some noise get loud, like, can you help me?
It's okay, so for someone listening to this, who's like, I wasn't raised that way. And I don't I don't ask for things. I just wait for someone to know what it is that I need and hope and cross my fingers that they're going to know and just hand it over. What advice would you have for her?
Well, here's the thing. If You don't ask the answer is already going to be no. Right? By asking you create the opportunity for the yes. Or you create the opportunity for more information or resources to to benefit whatever it is that you're going for. I mean, I think it's important to be with yourself for that moment. And and and ask yourself like, why, why am I so trapped? Why can't I say something? Is shame locking this in? Am I judging myself? Am I worried about what other people think about me? And if you're in that space, and you're doing that work, then eventually you're going to get more comfortable opening your throat chakra, opening your mouth and, and speaking, whatever is true for you even, you know, oftentimes, and I mean, often, often, oftentimes at the expense of being wrong or looking stupid, or whatever it is, I just don't care about that piece of it because whatever it is that I want, or that's behind the ask, I want it so so bad that I just, I'm not worried about what other people think I'm not worried about the no. Because if I don't ask, it's already a no. And look, in my experience, people want to help people want to be part of something that has a lot of energy around it or something that's new where you often more oftentimes I get the Yes.
I think also, what do you think about this? I I've also put it on the other person, they're going to be boundaried enough to say no, if they don't want to, or if it's actually a no, because I think often I internalize other people's like, I make up what's going on over there. And I'm like, Well, if I'm a little bit of a people pleaser, they're probably a people pleaser. And if I asked for what I want, even if they really don't want to, they're gonna say yes, and I don't want them to do that. So I'm just not going to ask…
Wow, I spent…no….you see al the back and forth you just had with yourself?
I used to do, I used to do that a lot. But now I'm like, Okay, you know what, I'm gonna give that up. I know, you and I are from the same coaching school. And it's the whole concept of that people are naturally creative, resourceful, and whole. I am going to hold that person that they are naturally creative, resourceful, and whole, and they are going to set their own boundaries and say no, if they mean it,
And I don't know, maybe there's a little chip missing in me that I don't even think about how the other person…
Look that's on you. Right? If, if you have a thing if if my asking triggers something for you, that's your thing to work out, like I got this, you know.
Unbothered. Mm hmm. Yeah. Well, let's talk about pleasure because that's it's the very last chapter of my book and, and pleasure’s, an interesting topic for women. So how do you make pleasure a priority in your life? You definitely strike me as someone who who makes it a priority?
Well, yes, yes, I do. And, you know, pleasure and pain are the same nerve, like neuro receptors in the brain, and they come from the same thing. So I and I have such a high high high pain tolerance, that I get a lot of pleasure from going to my physical therapist, and getting that like deep deep deep…
Are you a deep tissue massage person?
I, I pride myself, I pride myself on my ability to hold in a squeal, or, or enjoy, enjoy it. Whereas like, I know, some of my fellow colleagues, we go to the same physical therapist, and he'll be like, oh, this, this makes so and so like, jump off the table. And I'm just like, give it to me. You know, like, I really love it. It is pleasurable for me to be in that heightened experience with myself. Same thing with stretching. Oftentimes, a lot of people feel like stretching is super uncomfortable, especially when you're, you know, stretching your nerves, then it like tingles and it burns and you just want to like unzip your skin and fly out. And I love it. I love being on that ride. But in terms of like, physical pleasure, pleasure actually receiving pleasure from a partner from love. Touch for me is a really big one being that like I give so much energy, all day every day output output output. That is a huge part of why like healing, restorative, and also love language is receiving touch. So my partner Sophia is so good about that. She's constantly massaging me, rubbing me touching me. But you know, I will say as somebody who is a strong and intense individual for me, sometimes I'm I'm armored. And it is, it is a challenging thing for me to let go and receive actual pleasure, not like pleasure from pain or pleasure from something that extreme and forcing you into it, but just being vulnerable and like really receiving that intimacy. And so one of the things that I've gotten comfortable doing is communicating that. Like, no, like, whoa, I don't know why, or, you know, it just is this way, but I feel really armored right now, can we take it slow? Can you be less aggressive or whatever it is that I'm, I know, I need in that moment so that I can almost wade into the water as opposed to just like, you know, cannon balling kind of thing.
That is such a good point. I'm glad that you brought that up. It made me think of something recently that happened in my marriage. And my husband probably killed me if he knew that I was saying this, but I'm gonna say it anyway, I'll ask for forgiveness instead of permission.
Hey, that a girl.
He comes up to me. I probably wasn't wearing a bra. And he's like, he's like, can I feel you up? And I was like, thank you so much for asking. Like the whole concept of consent. And I think, you know, coming from a background of just being groped, like, I won't name names, but just not asking permission and just feeling like my body was there for my partner's pleasure. And my consent didn't really matter. It just it wasn't, it wasn't an option. And I was and I made sure to tell him that like, that makes me so happy and makes me feel so safe and loved. And yes, you can. But my answer sometimes might be no, probably very rarely, but it might be no, because it might not just don't don't right now, but I think that that is such a huge aspect of pleasure.
I really relate to how it oscillates. I mean, sometimes we go through some really intense life things, whether it's like high stress, or maybe we're grieving something where like, you can't even, can't even connect to that piece of you. Or, or it's like, it's the last thing you want is to go there to have that experience. And so being okay with that, as a woman, being okay with that, in a partnership is it takes a lot of courage because, yeah, we've been programmed, or, or maybe we've just bought into the narrative that if you are in a committed relationship, then you have to make yourself physically available at all times. And like, absolutely not, you know, we are individuals first and we choose to come together and share our bodies, our time, our energy, really unraveling that and redefining what that means and being at choice even even though we choose the partnership, right, you see the ring on my finger, you know, I'm choosing you, I choose you every day. But But really, you know, we own our bodies and we own our space. And don't you want as as the other partner to also say, I do want that to, you know? That you're both saying, Yeah, we both agree to this. We both well, there's something sexier about that than just being like, Okay, I have to just, you know, I have to do this because it's my duty, right? I call bullshit on that.
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Hey, I'm jumping back in because I have an event that I want to tell you about it's totally free. And it's the only book event that I'm going to be doing for this book. I feel like I'm yelling, but I'm so excited. COVID is stupid. It has prevented me from being able to travel to various locations and see you all in person and sign your books.
And that's why we're doing the book plates. And also I'm doing this one event on September 7th. It is online. Everybody can come. And it is at 4:00 PM Pacific time, 7:00 PM Eastern again, Tuesday, September 7th. And Warwick's, uh, in LA Jolla, which is actually my hometown in San Diego. They are sponsoring it.
It's going to be put on by them. I cannot wait. So it's kind of going to be like a. Sort of like a live podcast episode, I'm going to have like an MC kind of person. Who's going to be asking me some questions and I'm going to be reading a little bit from the book and I can't wait. There are more details to come.
We are going to do it on Facebook live, but that link is coming soon. So you don't even need to sign up for anything. I just want you to mark it in your calendar. September 7th, 4:00 PM. Pacific time, 7:00 PM. Eastern. I will see you there and more details coming.
Let's talk about self-confidence. And how do you define self-confidence? Like if someone did not know what that term was? How would you describe it?
Oh, this is funny, because I'm somebody who walks confidently in the wrong direction all the time?
I do too. Did we talk about this when we met?
Maybe I think.
People so follow me and then they're like, do you know where we're going? And I'm like, absolutely not, we've been walking for like 10 minutes. I don't even realize I do it.
Yeah. Yes. So this thing about confidence. You know, it was instilled in me as a young as a little girl, my mom, you know, she was like, she would hype me up constantly. She would tell me I was the prettiest she would tell me, you know, so much so that I had, I remember being in my 20s and moving to New York, and I called my mom and I was like, I'm not a princess. Like, why would you have told me my whole life that I'm this princess. I'm not a princess, I wish you would stop because it was you know, the real world was really, really harsh. So again, I'm coming from the other side of it.
But, you know, I think it's the root of self-confidence. It really comes back to that peace. of being naturally creative, resourceful and whole. That there is this like, everything you need is within you already. And learning to fall in love with what what that is what that looks like for you, your what what makes you interesting, what makes you weird, what makes you high, hypervigilant, you know what, you're good at what you're terrible at all of it. Just falling in love with that and and owning it entirely. And you know, really just not giving a shit what people think. It really it really comes down to that. I think the times in my life when I have doubted myself or my confidence has dropped the one thing that really influenced that was getting wrapped up in how I would be received and what other people thought of me. So it was divorcing that and and really just owning it. I think this is going to be controversial, but I mean, I believe that I'm great.
I love how you preface to that. Like let's just stop right there. I want to ask, like what made you preface it with this is going to be controversial?
Well, because it feels like it's not okay to say that.
Right? That that's patriarchy talking.
It feels like owning our power and owning our wholeness and our femininity and our sexuality and what makes us incredible, is something that we have to be humble about. And that humility is important, you know, hello, I'm not a princess. But it also is it I have seen it had become this like, pretty toxic ceiling for so many people like oh, I can't celebrate what I'm good at. I can't put myself out there, I can't be loud or make noise because I'm gonna offend someone. Honey, you, yes. I feel like sometimes that just my existence in and of itself offends people. If I was worried about that, you know, who taught me this? Amy Smith. Amy Smith was like, there are, I don't even know, 8 billion people in the world or however many billions of people that to think that all of them are supposed to like you is insanity. And either way, you're absolutely right. You're absolutely right.
So rather than focus on worrying about that. It was more just about like, on honoring myself and really needing to be able to fall asleep at night feeling complete about how I had shown up in the world that day. And I don't know maybe it's just how I am or who I am. But I've been overly confident for for many, many…. But it's really opened a lot of doors for me, I think because of that reason I haven't fed into the fear. That really is a detrimental piece in anytime you're going after something major, like I remember going after auditioning for So You Think You Can Dance. And I had auditioned for season three, made it to Vegas, and got cut and was like, okay, I know what it's going to take now to get on the show. So I trained for a whole year. And I remember yeah, I was like physically training, I was in the dance studio, I was running and I was, you know, doing all the things. But really, it was a, it was a mental conditioning and boot camp that I was in, to really just stop listening to the voices of fear and self-doubt and comparison and really just focus on the love that I had for this art form. And for this dream of mine to be on this show. And it was I mean, I just gotten my hands on the secret. So I was like playing…
Oh, same. Did it totally change your life?
Totally changed my life. I'm like, oh, if I think about the things that I want, instead of the things that I don't want, get them. Cool. And I mean, it was I mean, it still remains to be like my favorite tool. I'm like, yeah, switch the mind up.
Pepper in enormous amounts of privilege. And we are doing great.
Well, I think I think that is a huge part of it, too. Right? Both? And is that yeah, I was hyper confident, but as always incredibly privileged with the opportunity and with the support and the resources necessary to develop a skill and do good at it. So I'm really grateful to that it doesn't, doesn't slip by me that, that I have been privileged in that way. And therefore I feel a tremendous responsibility to make my voice even louder, to share, to connect to lift up others. Yeah. And you really can't tell I get pretty excited about it.
I'm great. No, I love that. I love that. And you and I are very similar in that. And I think that part of it should like we have similar upbringing. So my dad, I just realized this not that long ago, I've talked about this on the show. I think one other time, when I was little, I played tennis and my dad for many of those years was my tennis coach. And one of the things that he told me was to when given the opportunity, always rush that, even if you don't think you can make the shot, because it's an aggressive form of playing, and it will intimidate your opponent. Even if you're not a better player than they are, they're gonna be a little nervous, the girl who keeps rushing the net. And I took that and internalized that as oh, it's okay to be intimidating, coupled with the fact that I have a gregarious and, you know, outgoing personality, and have been called intimidating. Not so many times to my face a little bit like in a joking manner. But I've heard a lot of stories of people saying that I was intimidating both men women. And being a little taken aback by it, especially like in my 20s. And then moving into my 30s. I was like, I could care less like, if you're intimidated by me, then that's not my responsibility is just you are buying into the society's standard of how a woman should be.
And if I were a man, I doubt that you would have called me that and I might have been congratulated for it. And it was, it was not super easy to shake that. But I think because of what my dad had taught me, it was a little bit easier. I say all this because people listening, even if you didn't grow up with a mom, who told you you were a princess or a dad told you it was okay to be intimidating, both on and off the court. You can still unlearn that. And it's about the first step I believe is just questioning where it came from. My friend Elizabeth DiAlto asked me this great question. And I wrote about it in the book. She said, ask yourself, what is my conditioning and what is my truth? I was like, that is a great question to ask because a lot of times like the voice in our head, isn't our truth.
Right. But you, but you've patterned it so many times that it just become truth so to unravel it takes a tremendous amount of awareness. To your point about being intimidating, I still hear that I still hear that and part of me is like good good. I hope I make you scared now listen up what I was trying yeah. Nailed it. But you know, at first I like you would be like, offended like no way how I'm so nice. Like my intention is so good. And then you know, really understanding different Between intention and impact,
Don't be an asshole. Like, that's not what intimidating is and I have been an asshole and had to…
But honestly, it's like, you know, if somebody has a big energy or they're vocal or they advocate for themselves, it gets twisted, like, oh, they're intimidating. And, you know, most people that I know, that are successful that I look up to are disagreeable. And I, I would tend to say that I am too, I do it in a loving way. But, you know, you're never you're not going to get what you want by being a yes person or without rocking the boat a little bit making people feel you, you know, it's part of the way that I motivate is to get people to feel my passion. Yeah, that's intimidating because it, it goes beyond, you know, my body, it goes, it's big, and you can feel it in a room or virtually, I mean, this is what I do on the bike, right, I have to penetrate the fourth wall, I have to get through their camera, and I have to figure out a way to make them feel something powerful and meaningful. While we're moving together. For me, I celebrate being intimidating or rename that, is, is having the courage to put my whole self out there.
Well, we touched on this a little bit about, you know, these societal kind of, you know, myths that many women buy into about what it means to be a good woman, you know, accommodating, we touched on, you know, for many of us it was that, that your body is for the male gaze. You know, good girls don't don't have a lot of sex, etc. Were there any of those myths and conformities that you bought into that you had to unlearn?
I I prided myself on being a rebel. And being a little naughty and being bad. I think what I had to unravel from that was the shame of allowing myself to be so free, to be so promiscuous, to be so expressive, and how I mean, I was I was a promiscuous teenager, kind of got myself into some squirrely romantic partnerships as well. Definitely, when I was younger, especially growing up in the south, I was really shamed by some of the men in my life, boyfriend's about, about, you know, my behavior and felt like, you know, that I was supposed to feel guilty about it, but I didn't. So was this, like, what do I do with this information, and for me, it was like, I just got to get out of here.
Or you mean, get out of the relationship?
Get out of the relationship, get out of the South, I'm like, these, this is without, without making anyone wrong. It was like, I just don't fit here. These are, these are small-minded concepts of how people are supposed to behave and supposed to be. And I intuitively knew at a young age, I'm like, I don't fit in and I'm, I tried to change. I tried to conform, you know, go to church, where all the things and I'm like, I can't do this. This is not who I am. So I'm out.
It's interesting. It's really interesting to to look back on our past and see the choices that we made the people that we were with the the the judgments that we took on. And that's that's my biggest advice for people. It's just his question. Question the source? Again, it's that question of what is your conditioning and what is your truth and then kind of start to coach yourself and unravel that. What does that actually mean to you, what do you need to unlearn, if anything, and that's what a lot of the book is.
Okay. What does resilience look like for you? Like, is there like, tell us about a time you had to kind of pick yourself up when you fell on your face?
Um, I feel like I do this every day. I mean, every day, I mean, yesterday, yesterday, Sophia, and I do not argue very often, but we got into it. And, and in the middle of getting into it, I had to like, pick myself up and get on a live conversation, you know, as if everything in my life was fine. I have had so much training being a performer my whole life, being a very emotional and expressive and unafraid to feel my emotions, you know, I can't even tell you how many times I will have been in a crisis or some sort of emotional thing. And then it's 54321 that little red light is on and ‘Hello, and now we're fine’, and now we're dancing. And now we're, you know, but I'm so grateful for that because for me, and I know this is true for a lot of us, but for me, like I just get so wrapped up in the fear talk and the ego talk and whatever it is, that is keeps pulling me into that lower vibration, or that or the anxiety or the stress, and performance and dance and ultimately, being a professional has forced me to pull myself out of it and not just fake it. But but surrender it. Like really let go of the ego around it and be somewhere else that is more true. Somewhere else that is joyful and loving. And there is this like, enter tug of war of like, oh, I need to feel shitty. It's like no, you get to feel great. It's like, no, you have to feel shitty. It's like, no, you have to smile and, and eventually, you know, they say like, if you just smile If you actually feel the benefit of that.
That's what performance has done for me. And it's taught me resilience. And it's taught me that I have a choice. I can I can swirl and spiral and stay there or I can communicate. I can feel it. I can I can go, I mean, I don't hesitate. If I'm like, oh, I know what's going on. Here's an example. I have back pain from when I was on So You Think You Can Dance I broke my ribs or my ribs were broken, different, different ways you can say that. And so for me anytime I get stressed or worried or fearful, I have a psychosomatic response in my back and it locks up and I feel pain. And I knew it was happening. I didn't really know why I was being triggered though. I didn't have anything on my heart. I wasn't sure what was going on in my head. And I just remember feeling so much like anxiety around my ribs not able to breathe and feeling totally locked. And I sat there and I said just go straight to it. Go straight to it. And immediately the, you know, my fear came up. And rather than push it aside, I it's almost like I just like dive straight in. Like headfirst like, like smash into the fear. Like I want to understand you I want to process you. I I'm here to let the love in. And moving into this like breathing mantra. You know, inhale, love, exhale, fear, inhale light, exhale pain, you are safe, I love you, no matter what. I will tell you for about 10-20 minutes being in that process of like you said, coaching yourself, of diving into your fear and like literally swirling around in that thing that I've been putting off all week long. So much though, I wasn't even consciously aware that I had this fear.
But it is profound. I was I was at the nail salon. When I did this by the way, I was in public. I knew what was going on. And so I said she was doing my pedicure. I'm very close relationship with my nail lady, shout out to Helen. And I said Helen, before you do my mani, can you rub my back for me. And she started rubbing my back and I just started weeping and weeping and weeping and like, knowing full well I didn't need to attach to the tears or to the emotion that fear was working its way through me. And it was okay. And I was totally safe. But this is just what it looked like. Like I had to be in the experience of consciously breeding that love and surrendering the fear crying. And it's amazing how when you become the observer of that type of experience, that the truth surfaces. That feeling that whatever it is that you need to hear or understand the lightbulb moment for me, it really really shows up but not until I like shut it down. I'm talking about does it I'm not worried what other people thinking I'm not on social media. I'm not. I have to like isolate, shut it down and for 10 to 20 minutes, swirl, like swirl, swirl, swirl. And eventually that's the that's the way for me that I that I shift. And it was amazing. I couldn't breathe, and my back pain subsided within 20 minutes. It was that instant.
That is something I learned from Amy Smith. Is that like processing because before I used to feel it and then be like, how can I orchestrate my way around this? How can I, how can I not feel this and it was either, you know, pretending things were okay changing the subject, putting the emphasis on the other person like whatever it was, or sometimes I would come at it with anger. Whatever it was I could do to not feel it. And Amy said, this was right when I got sober actually in 2011 and I was I was going through something with one of my kids and I was crying and she said is this is this the first time you've ever gone through something really hard, sober, you know and not been able to drink? And I was like, yeah, it is. And she was like, What if? What if feelings are just your body's way of taking care of itself? And I was like, fuck off.
It's super unpleasant.
But it's true.
Mm hmm. You know, it's so interesting, um, where, like, you know, some some friends of mine are had gotten hooked on the joule, you know? Oh, yeah, like the vape thing it does…it's like a vape cigarette thing super addictive nicotine, whatever. Look, I don't, I don't have any judgments I have no, I'm just here to tell you what I observed. And when they when it's time for them to put it down, it becomes very, very emotional a because it's like a pacifier, right? So you know, when you're feeling a certain way you're feeling stressed, or you don't want to deal you, you, you lean into that thing, whether it's smoking weed, or drinking or whatever substance it is, what happens when they put it down is there's this thought that oh, I'm going to be able to just put this down and walk away without any consequence. Because I have decided that I don't want it anymore. Right? Once you get to that point of like, I'm making the decision to put this down, and walk away. Even if you are not consciously aware, the body still has to go through withdrawal. The body still has to process this new emotion and go through that experience.
So being been okay with that, knowing that you're, it sucks. Like it really, really sucks. But it's, it's not that deep. For me, I like to try and tell myself if when I'm going through anything like that any even sort of an emotional thing of that nature. I'm like, Okay, cool. This is here, but this is not who I am. And this too, is going to pass. So don't attach, like I do this with my hands. Because it's like, oftentimes, we like sink our claws into these feelings as if they are forever and they need something. Because they they're so bright in our body. This must mean something outrageous because of how it feels. But ultimately, you know, your body has a physical intelligence, we have emotional intelligence, and it all just works together to move itself through you. That's why I love movement and exercise and fitness. Because, for me, it personally, I mean it changes your chemistry immediately. And exercises like an exorcism of emotions of fear of pain of self-doubt. For me, it accelerates that process of remembering who I actually am not. Not these wild feelings that happen when we make decisions to reclaim our power. reclaim our lives.
Yes, ma'am. Okay, one more question. And it's just a general no big deal question. And what that's what advice do you have for women who might struggle to take up space in their lives?
My advice would be learn to take up space in your body first.
What does that look like?
Yeah, so an exercise that we would do if we were like, super low energy are like marking it and dance classes, our teacher would have a sit on the floor, we could sit whatever positions we wanted to. And then the idea was, she would say, like, you know, energize your spine. And so you would, you would really like, come and do it with me now. Right? So like, energize your spine, like take out space. Right. So like, you're just thinking about taking up space, you know, out of your head through your tail, and is it okay, now your hands are out here to the side. Now Good. Now trying to touch the walls, take up space, hold it, hold it, hold it. Now your heart, open your heart. So eventually, you want to get your whole body 360 degrees, like a sunshine, taking up space, taking up space. And she would say, this is what I want from you. This is how I want you to move, this full this big.
And it was just something that I found it incredibly powerful. I'm only five three. But when you would watch me dance or watch me perform you I just take up the whole stage. And that's because I'm extending my energy beyond my body. And getting to a point where for women, women are people like who are feeling like they need to apologize or shrink themselves energetically or physically. When you connect to your physical body, the power of it. And you say no, I'm not even going to apologize for this, but this is what the request is. to open up and feel what it's like to stretch to take my, my essence my aura and push it out beyond my skin. It's really powerful people feel it, people are intimidated by it. But it is it is a radical experience within yourself when you don't have to apologize for physically taking up space anymore, what begins to transform and transpire from from having that agency and having that connection with yourself.
I love that exercise. Thank you so much. I hope people I hope people rewind and go back and do it. And oh, yes, I love it when somebody is on and like there's something that I've never heard before or seen before. And I'm like, oh, it feels like a feast, it feels like a feast. Tell Sophia. I said hi. And I want to tell you something really quick about Sophia. Because I met her very briefly last year that was that was like right before the bottom dropped out with COVID.
It was you snuck in like the…
The last lunch I ever had with the human. And when I met Sophia, because, well first you were like, let me make sure she's not naked. And then when I came in, she's one of those people, and Amy was this way when I first met her, that, like I could see why you fell in love with her like and I hope you don't mean, I hope you don't take this as like, I'm trying to take your woman. She just exudes beauty and sensuality and light. And I was just like, you know, you know, when you meet those people like I'm sure you do, because you felt that when you met her.
I remember meeting her because I had never been with a woman before. I'm not. You know, people say well, how do you identify? I'm like, however you want me to you want me to be gay? Do you want me to be bisexual? Do you want me to do a lesbian? I was, like, personally, it's whatever you want me to be. But when I you know, I didn't have an agenda, right? I walked in and I saw her I was just like, overwhelmed by the desire to want to be near her to be around her. And, you know, I am not threatened at all by what you just said. Because I see it all the time. I see it happening when…
You see other people?
Other people and they're like, and I'm like, I know, I get it. I know. I totally get it.
That's what…Yeah, I'd wanted to tell you that because I immediately like when I saw her, I was like, oh, Okay, I get it. She's it's just it's light that just like lights up the space that she's around and her smile and everything. So I'm just so happy for you that you are engaged. And then you have found somebody to love and that loves you back.
Me too. We're always like, you know, we have these moments where we check in like, is this real? Like, do we really love each other as much as we think we do, because like, I'm obsessed with you. She's like, I'm obsessed with you. We're like, wow, this is crazy. Like, it's six and a half years. And we're still just like, so excited and curious and have so much energy for one another and what we're creating together, it's really thrilling. I am I feel super blessed and grateful. And this is why I just, you know, I'm a huge proponent of love. However it shows up in your life, whether you have a deep connection in your friendships or romantically, or whatever it is, but this this shit will change your life. It will heal you. It will heal you and I'm really blessed.
And it's also seems like you to really like each other. Yeah, beyond love. Like that matters a lot. Like I really like my husband and that, I mean, because I was in a marriage where I didn't like my ex-husband very much. I loved him, but like like him? No, not really.
And that’s a big deal because I didn't feel I didn't feel liked by my other partners. I remember looking at my ex being like, you don't even like me. What are we, what are we doing here? You know, like, it's obvious you don't like me? And so that is a really big deal. And yeah, we do we do like each other.
Thank you Jess. Thank you everyone for listening. And I would love it if you took a screenshot of this episode and shared it on your Instagram stories and you can tag me @HeyAndreaOwen, and and @JessKingNYC. Is that right? That's your Instagram handle, right?
Yeah, I want to take a screenshot right now ready smile.
Everyone thank you for listening. You know how valuable I know that your time is. And I'm so blessed that you come and spend it here with me and my guests. And remember, it's our life's journey to make ourselves better humans and our life's responsibility to make the world a better place by everyone.
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