Rachel DeAlto returns to the show this week, as part of the 8-episode special series, to talk about communicating, even if it scares you. I’m convinced that life is a series of awkward conversations and situations after another. However, armed with strategies and knowledge, it can be a little bit less scary.
Rachel DeAlto is a relationship expert, coach, media personality, and speaker. She is the author of “relatable: How to Connect with Anyone Anywhere (Even if It Scares You).” Rachel has also been featured on a multitude of media outlets including The TODAY Show, Access Hollywood Live, and Fox News. She has also given three TEDx talks including Being Authentic in a Filtered World which is featured on TED.com.
In this episode you’ll hear:
- Rachel describes the difference between nervousness and social anxiety. [7:34]
- She shares some of what is wrong with the way we are communicating. [12:01]
- How you can begin to feel less socially awkward. [19:49]
- Some ways to approach building self-confidence. [21:46]
- Rachel shares how she sees women making themselves small (figuratively, not literally). [28:16]
Resources mentioned in this episode:
Watch this episode on YouTube! https://youtu.be/D90dGgaxTqo
Purchase or find out more about Make Some Noise the book! Don't forget to claim your book bonuses, which include access to join the MSN book club!
Rachel's new book
Rachel on TikTok
Andrea on TikTok
Episode 93: Healthy Relationships with Yourself and Others, with Rachel DeAlto
Come see me at Bookmarks Festival of Books & Authors
Rachel DeAlto is a relationship expert, coach, media personality, and speaker. She is the author of “relatable: How to Connect with Anyone Anywhere (Even if It Scares You)” (Simon & Schuster’s Tiller Press, Fall 2021).
Rachel has appeared as a relationship expert on Lifetime’s Married at First Sight, TLC’s Kate+Date, and as the host of FYI’s Kiss Bang Love.
Rachel DeAlto maintains an undergraduate degree from Syracuse University, a Juris Doctorate from Seton Hall University School of Law, and is presently completing a master’s in psychology.
In addition to her regular appearances, Rachel has also been featured on a multitude of media outlets including The TODAY Show, Access Hollywood Live, and Fox News. She has also given three TEDx talks including Being Authentic in a Filtered World which is featured on TED.com.
Right-click to download the .mp3
SHOW TRANSCRIPT
Rachel 00:00
Has to be some reality in our conversation and vulnerability and being like, you know what I'm, I'm a normal person with flaws and all those things and instead, we feel like if we can separate ourselves and not be face to face, even on like a video face to face moment, we feel like we can put on a different persona and then we're not having any sort of meaningful connection.
Andrea 00:24
You're listening to Make Some Noise Podcast episode number 405 with guest, Rachel DiAlto.
Welcome to Make Some Noise Podcast, your guide for strategies, tools, and insight to empower yourself. I'm your host, Andrea Owen, global speaker, entrepreneur life coach since 2007, an author of three books that have been translated into 18 languages and are available in 22 countries. Each week, I'll bring you a guest or lesson that will help you maximize unshakable confidence, master resilience, and make some noise in your life. You ready? Let's go.
Hey, everyone, welcome to another episode of the podcast. I am so glad that you're here. We are still having our Make Some Noise Series where I've hand selected some guests to come on and talk about self-confidence, to talk about how they make noise in their lives even when they're scared. And today's guest is a returning guest Rachel DiAlto is a friend of mine. She is funny, relatable, amazing, smart. You're gonna love her too, if you don't know who she is.
I want to tell you something, though, that I was thinking about right before I started recording, that makes me really nervous. And that is live TV. I have years of experience being on video, even with the media. But for some, I've done hundreds at this point hundreds of interviews, both being the interviewer and being the interviewee. But there is something about live TV, that makes me so nervous. And I think I figured it out. I think it's because I'm not allowed to go in depth. I'm not allowed to be verbose. Depending on how long the segment is, which TV is usually pretty short. For some reason, when it's radio, it's not that hard, but when it's TV, and I have to, you know, have my face on and be present with that as well as talking points. You got to wrap it up, you got to wrap it up when you're doing live TV with these talking points and it's just something I'm not used to. I'm used to more of a longer form interview where I can be a little bit more specific and give examples. And anyway I have I have one today as I'm recording this in a few hours with a Nashville TV morning show. And it's it's online because COVID but still, it makes my stomach hurt. makes me super nervous.
I will tell you something that does not make my stomach hurt. That does not make me nervous, but only makes me excited. And that is Book Club, Book Club is coming up September 20. It is a special bonus for anyone who has bought a copy of Make Some Noise. It doesn't matter what format, if you have an audio book, eBook, or print, and it's shipped, it's available now, which is super exciting. And I'm really excited to get this started September 20. If you go to AndreaOwen.com/, well, you can go to two different places. I don't want to confuse you. But if you have not purchased the book yet, go to Owen.com/noise or if you have purchased it already, go to Andrea Owen.com/MSN and that is just the page that will take you to the bonuses for this book. There's a workbook that goes with it. There's just all kinds of fun things that are happening over there. Very, very excited to see all of you on the Facebook. That's where we'll meet. If you don't have Facebook, you can still participate. You'll just have to watch the videos afterwards. But no, I take that back. We're doing Zoom calls, I lied, lies all lies. We're doing zoom calls, so you don't have to have Facebook, but the community is going to be over there. And that starts on September 20. Each week we're going to do a new topic. My four, they're not really my favorite chapters because they're all my favorite chapters. They're the four chapters that I selected that I think will make the most movement and shifts in your life. And it's just a lot of information. I didn't want to rush at all and like put what is there 15 chapters in a month. I felt like that was a lot. So AndrewOwen.com/noise if you still need a copy of the book or AndreaOwen.com/MSN to grab your bonuses.
Alright everyone, let's get into the show. For those of you that don't know Rachel, let me tell you a little bit about her. Rachel DiAlto is a relationship expert coach, media personality and speaker. She is the author of Relatable: How to Connect with Anyone, Anywhere, Even If It Scares You. Rachel has appeared as a relationship expert on Lifetimes ‘Married At First Sight, TLC’s ‘Kate Plus Date’ and as the host of FYI’s ‘Kiss Bang Love’. Rachel maintains an undergrad degree from Syracuse University, a juris doctorate from Seton Hall University School of Law, and is presently completing a Master's in psychology. In addition to her regular appearances, Rachel has also been featured on a multitude of media outlets, including The Today Show, Access Hollywood Live and Fox News. She's also given three TEDx talks, including ‘Being Authentic In A Filtered World; which is featured on Ted.com. So without further ado, here is Rachel.
Rachel DiAlto is back on the show.
Rachel 06:47
I am.
Andrea 06:48
I am so excited to have this conversation with you because we're kind of doing like a two for one. We're talking about your book and my book.
Rachel 06:58
It's a good day.
Andrea 07:00
Well, it is a good day.
Rachel 07:01
They pair together really well.
Andrea 07:03
They do pair together. They're like pizza and beer as we were talking about. And for those people who are just listening to this and not watching it on video, I feel like you should go watch it on video. But I keep having to make sure because I still very rarely wear lipstick. I keep having to look at myself to make sure I don't have lipstick on my teeth.
Rachel 07:23
Oh, I’m good to I think. Although I myself so small that like I can't even tell how I look. It actually helps me.
Andrea 07:34
If anyone hears like sucking noises, please know, it's just me trying to get the lipstick off my teeth. I apologize in advance. All right. Speaking of awkwardness, I want to find out by asking you the expert. What is the difference between just regular nervousness and legit social anxiety?
Rachel 07:58
Huge difference. So I think a lot of people misuse social anxiety as a term because we're all a little nervous, we're a little awkward. I don't like to call doctors’ offices either. But socially anxiety is actually a diagnosable mental condition. I hate the word disorder. But that's actually what it's called. So it's in the DSM, which is how all therapists and psychologists, psychiatrists diagnose people with disorders. And there's actually criteria for people with social anxiety. It's like that really mark and fear. And the difference is, social anxiety is I'm terrified of being judged. I think I'm going to do something dumb, I think I'm gonna embarrass myself, and I'm going to do something in a situation and people are going to judge me, they're going to, I'm going to feel humiliated, and it’s consistent. So it actually started getting in the way of their lives.
Andrea 08:43
So it does that also include like agoraphobia, people who are afraid to leave their house and are like crowds of people.
Rachel 08:52
Yeah, it's all I mean, all of those things can kind of be the, they can be comorbidities, because they obviously they go together, as soon as you start feeling socially anxious, you're like, oh, my gosh, you know, why would I leave my house and then it can translate into other diagnosis, but they are very, they can be separate as well. So but very related.
Andrea 09:08
You know, the guideline is where when it's affecting your life chronically.
Rachel 09:12
Yeah, the diagnosis is six months or more. So it's six months or more, and then a, you know, a marked impact on your life, which is I mean, even with that as like a real diagnosis is an enormous problem in the United States. I think the last time I looked at it, this is pre COVID it was like 15 million people suffer from social anxiety. So it is really prevalent.
Andrea 09:32
Do you think it's always been like that? Or are people just being diagnosed more?
Rachel 09:36
I think anxiety, obviously, I think we're just as a species, we've become more anxious. So it's definitely increased over time. But I think that the the awareness, you know, maybe it's kind of like a double edged sword, like we're getting more anxious, but we're also more aware, and it being a diagnosis, we have something to pinpointed on instead of before, it's like, no, no, they're just nervous, you know what I mean, as opposed to really understanding what this is.
Andrea 10:00
Okay. And I just, I don't want people to walk away from this feeling like wait, I need to know more. So one more question about this. And that's, can you give some examples of like, what, what does it actually mean to like, get in the way of someone's life like, what are they doing or not doing?
Rachel 10:15
They're not saying yes, anything, they're avoiding contact, they limit their interactions to online, they don't want to have that live interaction with people so they're not taking certain jobs. They're not going out to events, they are not connecting with friends or any sort of relationship because there's so much fear around ‘what if I screw this up’. Like, what if I act like you know, it, and it's that, you know, complete this proportionate fear for god, like, this is not real, like, you're not that awkward and but it feels physical. I mean, there's there's studies where people, people show up with anxiety attacks at hospitals thinking they have a heart attack, like it's a real feeling.
Andrea 10:57
Yeah. Yeah, that's interesting. So I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder and panic disorder in 2003, which was feels like a lifetime ago. But I never had that crippling feeling of have, of being anxious in like, one on one scenarios, or people that I already trusted. I didn't have that. So it sounds like that's what the difference is. That's very interesting.
Rachel 11:21
Yeah, it's I mean, diagnosis it. Yeah.
Andrea 11:24
It's, and I think probably widely misunderstood.
Rachel 11:27
100%. Yeah. People think I think a lot of people think introverted people are just they have social anxiety and like, no, they're just naturally introverted. There's a huge difference between introversion and being socially anxious, so.
Andrea 11:38
Okay. Of course you are everyone needs to go follow Rachel on TikTok, and me.
Rachel 11:40
Yes. Hey Andrea Owen.
Andrea 11:44
Hey, hey, back. We'll put those links in the show notes and the link to the previous episode that you were on because we talked about it, we talked about friendships. We talked about something and…
Rachel 11:54
We’ve been friends for a while.
Andrea 11:56
Something fascinating. Yes.
Rachel 11:58
We talked about something. Well, that's…
Andrea 12:01
We talked about something we did. And and it was interesting that I can tell you. Well, speaking of talking, what is wrong with how people are communicating these days?
Rachel 12:11
Well, I think because it's completely online is a problem. Not completely, obviously, people are still talking in person, but most of our interactions are coming from social media, some sort of online interaction, and you're only getting that one element of it. And especially with social, you and I both know this, we're on social media, it's like that's not real. I see people all the time posting things about relationships, that they're miserable. And I'm like I'm doing here. So we're just not being real with each other. And then then we wonder, you know, why we feel intimidated or why we feel judged and it's like, well, that's because no one's being real. So I know authenticity is this buzzword that people throw around, I almost feel like it's like jumping the shark actively right now. But it's honestly the truth. It's like, there has to be some reality in our conversation, and vulnerability and being like, you know, what, I'm, I'm a normal person with flaws and all those things. And instead, we feel like, if we can separate ourselves and not be face to face, even on like a video face to face moment, we feel like we can put on a different persona, and then we're not having any sort of meaningful connection.
Andrea 13:17
Is this something that you feel like is more prevalent with the younger generation? Or is it across all generations?
Rachel 13:25
It's, I think it's starting to permeate all of us, as you know, even the boomers get online and are more active on social media, because it's an addiction, you know, we got we all get in there.
Andrea 13:32
And it's legitimately doing things to our brain.
Rachel 13:34
Right? Yeah, it changes our neurotransmitters and so we get in there, and we start using it and we're like, oh, this is what, that's what they're all talking about. But yeah, no, it's a huge problem. Think back to when we were growing up, we're going to date ourselves right now. Like, there was no social media, I didn't have social media until I was already married with children. So it didn't affect me in my earlier stages of development. But then you look at the stages of development, you look at how a really malleable children are and then you throw in some social media and you show in like, oh, my gosh, the people who get the most likes, or most interactions are the better ones. And then all of a sudden, they're judging themselves from a completely different standard. And it's changing the way that we connect to people and it's creating that disconnect between ourselves and other people.
Andrea 14:20
It's really interesting. And you know, that the jury is still out a little bit in terms of like, what the implications are of this age group that has not known anything, but cell phones and internet and things like that. And I'm a little bit older than you, but you're, you're on the very young end of Gen X, right?
Rachel 14:40
Yeah.
Andrea 14:42
What are they called? Zennials. Like, where you're kind of on the cusp?
Rachel 14:42
Ya nobody gives us a name. Nobody knows us.
Andrea 14:44
Okay. But my point is that I thought it's interesting that kids, kids these days, I'm gonna say that don't know how to…
Rachel 14:50
Aw, get off my lawn.
Andrea 14:53
Drive slower on my street, which is a real complaint I have… about making phone calls like, oh my gosh, I feel like we're the last generation who and not all of us and generally speaking here. My parents like it was a thing to like you call you know, ‘Hello, Mrs.DiAlto, this is Andrea may please speak to Sophia’. And you introduce yourself use you address the person and you ask for…it was like this whole thing. And my kids, first of all, didn't get to like hold the phone to their ear like when I hand it to them to talk to my mom or something they're like, I don't know what to do with this. And they don't want to go and make friends in the neighborhood. We had to practice.
Rachel 15:33
It’s the most bizarre thing. Yeah. I'm actually having a conversation with my daughter now our daughters at the same age, they're both into anime, and they rather sit home and like watch anime all day and I'm like, honey, you have to go make friends. Like you can't just, this cannot be your entire existence. Because I see how it affects her. I see how it like disconnects people. The interesting thing is, too, because there has been research around this, and my god, I sound like, I feel like I just got really boring.
Andrea 15:59
Let me tell you about the research. Let me put my readers on.
Rachel 16:03
But it's so true. It's like, I started looking into this because I'm like, holy crap, like what's going on here, and it really did show, the more invested that we are like, the more emotionally invested that they are, the more problematic it is. And that's where it's, it's such a problem, because if they are emotionally invested, then they're focusing more on this than they are about these real-world connections. And I think our kids, we have to force them out, you know, to, to do things beyond their comfort zone, because if they're comfortable, like they'll never make a phone call again. And who's gonna order my pizza.
Andrea 16:35
Just call a Gen Xer. Just don't, call them. Don’t text a Gen Xer. I’ll call to the make the appointment. And yeah, no, we have to teach these kids this. So how does someone it sounds like and like are the majority of your clients, like they don't necessarily struggle with social anxiety? It's just like that overall feeling of awkwardness of being a human right?
Rachel 16:58
Yeah, I think there's a mix. I don't work with people individually anymore. But like, from my experience, just talking to the people that I work around kind of thing.
Andrea 17:06
Talking at them.
Rachel 17:11
But the feedback is there's a mix, there are people with legitimate social anxiety and you know, my audiences and in my groups. And then there are people who are just awkward and feel uncomfortable. And it's, you know, it's a lack of confidence or a lack of self-worth, that really does originate a lot of that. And honestly, a lot of the social anxiety does come from that as well. So it's kind of a definite hodgepodge. But I think social anxiety people are like, oh, no, that's what I haven't like, you might want to look at that.
Andrea 17:39
I'm interrupting this conversation to share a few words from some of our sponsors. Many of you remember Columbia House and BMG, there were those CD, like membership things where you paid like $1 and you got all these CDs. So I had one of those for adult books, adult stories, it was this book club that had all these adult stories, and since then I've been hooked on that type of entertainment and here's a really interesting stat: 90% of women use mental framing or scenario conjuring to get turned on yet most of the innovation and investment in female pleasure has been focused on the body rather than the brain. Dipsea is an audio app full of short, sexy stories designed to turn you on. Each Dipsea audio story features characters that will feel like real people in your life and immersive scenarios. So you feel like you're right there. listen to stories about hooking up with your hometown crush, or that coworker you always had a thing for, or maybe a story that puts you in bed with someone who's telling you exactly what they'd like you to do. They release new content every week. So there's always more to explore, no matter what you're into or what turns you on. And if you need something to wind down, Dipsea also has wellness sessions, sensual bedtime stories, and soundscapes to help you relax before you drift off. I love this audio app and since you like audio, I think you would love it too. So for listeners of the show, Dipsy is offering an extended 30-day free trial when you go to Dipseastorie.com/kickass. 30 days full access for free when you go to D-I-P-S-E-Astories.com/kickass. Dipseastories.com/kickass and you can always find the sponsors codes if you forget them on the sponsors page and AndreaOwen.com.
I'm convinced that life is just one series of awkward conversations and situations after another. And I don't know if I've just kind of gotten used to it. But I feel awkward most of the time and I just kind of like fumble through so tell us how a person would like what's helpful for them to feel less socially awkward.
Rachel 19:49
I think it really does come back to self-worth and confidence. You know, the more that you start to embrace who you are flaws and all and your goofiness. Like remember I did a photo shoot this is like 10 years ago before we even met for my first book, which was really shitty and no one should buy it. It's so bad. Yeah, yeah, do not link to that it was self-published. It was like one of those like, I just wanted to do more TV at the time. And anyway, so I did a photo shoot for it. And I just remember being in this New York City loft. Really cool, like, this really cool outfit on my hair makeup was all done up and I wasn't a hot mess. And he's like, give me sexy and I'm like, I just started laughing. Here is what I'm gonna give you. I'm gonna give you goofy, and you're gonna find something good here. We're just talking about… it was just this awkwardness to it but there was also an owning of who I was in that moment of like, no, like, what are you talking about? Like, that's not me. So I think so often we were awkward because we think we have to show up in a different way, when in fact, if we just showed them we're like, listen, I am who I am, you know, take me or leave me and I that does come with age. But it also can come with experience that can be developed sooner than getting to 40. I don't really care what you think anymore.
Andrea 21:02
Age does help. You know what I found is helpful, is sometimes just naming it like I'm queen of like just saying out loud things that I probably shouldn't say out loud sometimes but I've said it like, you know, when I'm having a conversation with someone I haven't talked to in a really long time and I'll just be like, this is so awkward. It doesn't mean I don't like the person. It just means feeling very uncomfortable.
Rachel 21:33
Yeah. Which is completely normal. And that's a great way to handle it.
Andrea 21:36
Okay, thanks. I'm gonna check. I like that.
Rachel 21:40
I think when you call out the elephant in the room, things are a lot easier to embrace. Yeah, my dog just walked in.
Andrea 21:46
Let's talk about self-confidence. Because you mentioned that like, how do you like, what is your take on this? How can someone start to be feel more confident?
Rachel 21:56
Yeah, I think there's a lot of ways obviously you and I talk about this for a living. But I think there's so many different ways that you can approach it, you have to find the one that starts to resonate for you, one of the things I like to do is just really starting to identify, what do I do well, and how can I push that boundary a little bit more. Because the more that we show ourselves that we're capable, the more that we're able to grow from that. So you know, self-confidence is, a lack of it is doubt, you can disprove that doubt by doing things and showing that you're capable. And then the other element is really identifying the root of it because so often I think we just kind of sit there and we're like, oh, I don't feel good about myself. Why, you know, where does that come from, and follow that route down. Because whether it's a family of origin issue, or some environmental issue, or some relationship challenge that you've had, even sometimes when you reveal it, it starts to heal it. There's a Jay Z quote, you know, ‘you can't feel what you don't reveal’.
Andrea 22:53
I feel like that is and if you don't know now, it won’t come.
Andrea 23:06
Well, that's super interesting. I agree with those root causes. It could come from family of origin, it could come from like a past relationship that happened when someone was not very nice to you. And environment, I call that patriarchy, that we grew up in. And by we I mean, people who identify as women, who grew up identifying as girls and women, we grow up in a culture that does not necessarily foster self-esteem, self-confidence, things like that in girls. I was talking to somebody else about this, the research that I read that I don't know if you've seen this research that because little boys because we assigned gender roles, little boys are encouraged to wrestle with other children and they also like tease and taunt each other playfully more than girls do. Like, it's it's different how they do it.
I even made a comment to my husband, many years ago, and I'm like, why, why do you guys just like shovel shit back and forth to each other? Like, just they just razz each other so much more, I think than women do. Like, I don't know, it's just something that we do. And then when I read that research, I was like, Oh, this is something that they're taught to do from childhood. And what that does the long-term effects of that is instills resilience in them instills confidence in them, and that they just feel confidence. But just it's really interesting that the long term, the long term effects from that, and that men just grow up. That's how they just, you know, kind of feel entitled and like, of course, it's gonna work out.
Rachel 24:40
Yeah, it's also when you sort of think about it's a safe space, because it's like, yeah, my friends are mocking me, or they're beating me up, but they love me.
Andrea 24:47
They’re going to have my back.
Rachel 24:49
And it's like, they're gonna have their back. Yeah, it's different than getting bullied. Like I went through. Like, how when I was younger, because I was bullied for years and years and planned to switch schools. It was so bad. And so I think back to that, and I'm like, wait, I was made fun of and I did develop resilience, eating disorder, and a lack of self-esteem and self-worth for like, 12 years. But yeah, must be like that safe space that's attached to it. And these are my people, and this is normal. So we relax on that.
Andrea 25:16
It's super interesting. I know. Now, now here we are decades later, what do we do now. And and I love your tip around, you know, finding what you do well and doing more of that, because I think that that instills the competence part of it that is so heavily involved in self-confidence when you talk about, you know, because in the book I talked about taking up space, you know, with your voice or with your body, what is your take on that around taking up space?
Rachel 25:42
I think it comes with confidence. I think that people who are lacking in self-confidence, they want to become as small as possible. And it kind of goes back to that social anxiety, like I'm afraid of being seen, I'm afraid of doing the wrong thing, like, oh, my gosh, like, you want me to take up what? You know, I'm going to go in the closet now, and be as small as possible. So I think taking up space requires confidence that requires knowing that you're, you're taking up of that space is worthwhile to other people, that has to come with some sort of self-worth.
Andrea 26:11
Self-worth I feel like is one of those things that I've talked about this on my podcast previously, that it's interesting, because I think it can be a little bit insidious. And what I mean by that is, it can present itself in different ways. And in my experience, like I felt like, and I uncovered this with my therapist recently that I told her, I said, I I can sit here and tell you both consciously and unconscious, I feel like I'm worthy. Like, I feel like I'm a good person and that and that I matter to people into the world. What my real biggest fear is, is that deep down, no one really gives a shit about me. And so it's that's inextricably connected, but not exactly the same thing. And that was such an aha moment to me of like, oh my god, it's an element of self-worth. It's like its first cousin.
Rachel 27:04
Yeah, yeah, that's a really interesting. And I think we all have those little like, spin offs. We have like, the main series, and then there's like, spin off shows of like, okay, no, no, this one's good. But that spin-off show, you know, and the human mind and emotion is so complicated that, you know, it's I think about, we talk about weight, especially as women, it becomes such a focus of like our bodies. And I feel the same way like, I am very comfortable in my skin and yet, I always want to lose 5 pounds. Like, there's never been a time in my life, I think it was, it was 10 for a while, and now it’s down to 5. So I'm really making progress here. And it's such a dichotomy, because you look at it, you're like, wait a second, like, I am confident, like, I feel comfortable. However, there's still that sliver of like, no, I'd be even better with this. And, you know, it's, it's really coming to terms with that, and recognizing, like, where does that come from? And how does that affect me? And how can I avoid allowing it to affect me in a negative way? If it makes me inspired in a positive way you know, it's one thing but if it, if it definitely interferes with some area of my life, or it allows me to show up in a way where I don't feel like I'm entitled to take up space, then we have a problem.
Andrea 28:16
Well, it's the internalized misogyny for me, like realizing that so much of it comes back to that. Like diet culture. Anyway, that's another conversation for… yeah, that's a whole other day, girl. Wow. Okay. And you may have already answered this. But I wanted to ask you about we touched on it a little around women specifically, the majority of my listeners are women, who make themselves small, you know, not literally, which I know is a thing that you know, that last 5 pounds, but figuratively, like making themselves small. How do you see that play out for women like in their careers and in their relationships?
Rachel 28:54
Well, they don't take chances and they accept what they think they deserve.
Andrea 28:58
The crumbs.
Rachel 29:00
Yeah, the friggin crumbs. I actually said that to someone the other day, she's going through a breakup and she's allowing him to still contact her and then holding out hope that he’ll allow them to get back together. And I was like, why are you settling for crumbs? Like you deserve the whole damn cake. And, yeah, I just see I see that over and over again, with you know, if you are playing small, it means that you're not going to push for the better job, you're not going to push for the promotion or the raise or, you know, go outside of your comfort zone into something that you know, you want but you feel like it's too much of a risk. And it's the same thing in relationships, you know, you get the safety zone and sometimes that safety zone comes with, with toxicity and sometimes you know, abuse to certain levels and people accept so much less than they really truly deserve. But that's what they think they deserve.
Andrea 29:49
I like that metaphor of a good plate of food. And you know, it's like you're if you're if a plate of food is your safety zone, like what is actually on the plate? And in my former relationship I'm thinking of you know, it was many shitty things that I didn't want to eat.
Rachel 30:01
You're like there's some pickles over here.
Andrea 30:03
Yeah, I'm not hungry for that name calling, for that intimidation. I’m full. Full.
Rachel 30:11
Yeah, yeah but we fill ourselves up on that bullshit, because we think that's what we actually have earned.
Andrea 30:18
Yeah. And for me, it was a matter of that I just got used to it. And it became my normal. Which is so weird.
Rachel 30:26
Oh my gosh. No, we acclimate to what we what we're used to. And that's actually also why we repeat, you know, family of origin challenges or conditions, because we're used to it. I remember there was a situation in the last like month, where something really acrimonious came up. Like it was very negative and confrontational. And I was like, oh my god, this is so awful. It was so uncomfortable for me. And I'm like, what's your life? That was, that was my entire marriage. That was that was my job. I was a litigator, like it was always like, always this conflict. And now I have none of it. And I've had none of it for 10 years. But if that had happened back then I'd be like, that was Tuesday. Right? Yeah. So we do become acclimated to it until we take a step outside of it, we're able to look at and say, oh wait a second, that doesn't always feel so good.
Andrea 31:21
That's the really difficult part is that when it's right in front of your face, you don't see how bad it is. I remember, we needed a new mattress. And we talked about it for like, I don't even know how long we were together before we got this new mattress. It was handful of years. And then we got the new mattress, and we were like, okay, that other mattress was so bad. Like, we didn't know how bad it was like, we were sleeping on a bag of rocks, like what were we thinking? And I think it's similar. And I'm 15 years out of my former relationship. And I'm still figuring things out and connecting the dots and going like, holy shit, that's what was happening. And that are, that some steps out and it took me a handful of yours to even start to see it.
So it's, I say all that to have compassion for people who might be in it, or might be like, newly out of it. You know, like people might be telling you, you know, he's no good for you, she's not the right person for you like and warning you and wanting better for you, but you don't see it. And like maybe like in your gut, you're like, yeah, I'm probably but you don't take any action? Yep, I get it.
Rachel 32:26
Yeah, no, it's it's a process. And I think people do have to be compassionate with themselves and also take those baby steps. You know, some people, I'm a rip off the band aid kind of girl, but that's it hurts. Yeah. And I'm resilient. I know myself enough that I can handle the aftermath of it. But for some people, it's like, you got to be able to baby step out of things. And then even through those baby steps…
Andrea 32:40
Were you always like that like that? Like the resilience part.
Rachel 32:44
I think so. I mean, as long as I can as an adult, as long as I can remember. I mean, I had my son when I was 20 years old
Andrea 32:51
Oh, that's right. Do you think that that made you so resilient or?
Rachel 32:55
No, I actually think I was, honestly and this is something going back to like the whole bullying and you know razzing of friends, so I didn't have friends, but I was bullied. And I was forced to kind of go through things in a, you know, a really terrible way. But it also made me stronger. And I think I developed a lot of my resilience to just work through that. And then when I was able to shift to the other side, you know, my bullying happened when I was younger. And then by high school, things had kind of become really great for me. And so I, you know, having those balance of the two where I was able to look back, I was able to start reflecting really young and you know, 14, and then by the time I had my son, I was like, man, I got this, like, I'm still gonna be a badass.
Andrea 33:38
Yeah. And you were 19 when you had him?
Rachel 33:39
20. Yep.
Andrea 33:42
Wow. Okay, is there anything else that I might have missed that you really want to talk about? I mean, besides everybody going out and buying your book?
Rachel 33:50
No, we covered a lot of different elements in like a very short period of time.
Andrea 33:56
We did we get it done. So everyone, the book is relatable. Tell me the subtitle?
Rachel 33:01
How to Connect With Anyone, Anywhere, Even If It Scares You.
Andrea 34:05
How to Connect With Anyone, Anywhere, Even If It Scares You. Fantastic. And your beautiful face is on the cover. The link will be in the show notes. Where do you want people to follow you? Or go to your site? What's, what's going on?
Rachel 34:16
Yeah, so we got a site, there's the Social Superpowers Quiz on my site, which is really helpful to identifying what your superpower is. I'm gonna say that three times fast.
Andrea 34:21
So how many, how many different ones are there to choose from?
Rachel 34:25
There's four. And then I have a longer assessment that allows you to really break that down but there's the free quiz that's right there that will help you realize what your superpower is.
Andrea 34:34
So what are the superpowers, I want to know?
Rachel 34:38
We have the Builder, the Analysts, the Captain and the Ringleader.
Andrea 34:43
So is the Builder somebody who like connects people?
Rachel 34:44
Builder is slow and steady. So they're they're kind of like they build the foundation first. You know, like the drywall goes on after the foundation, the builder takes me… I'm a builder. It takes me a minute. But once I'm in there, it's like constant like, let's just keep growing.
Andrea 35:03
And then the other ones are Ringleader.
Rachel 35:06
Ringleader, and I wanted to call it a cheerleader. But I didn't want to have to give out pom poms every time but yeah, it's like that ringleader, that person that's like kind of the hype person. And there's the Captain who's always in charge and has a lot of really strong opinions on things. And then there's the Analyst, which is kind of that that over thinker, but sometimes really helpful in terms of their overthinking.
Andrea 35:28
Okay. All right, I'm probably a combination of the Captain and the and the Ringleader.
Rachel 35:32
I could see that I'm not an Analyst. And I don't think I'm not an Analyst either. Yeah, definitely not an Analyst. Yeah, I definitely have some Ringleader. I'm a I'm a Ringleader Builder, but if you had to go with a primary would be a Builder.
Andrea 35:43
Okay. And so they can take that quiz on your site?
Rachel 35:45
They can.
Andrea 35:49
Okay, RachelDiAlto.com?
Rachel 35:53
Yep.
Andrea 35:54
And that's where link is in the show notes and links to Rachel's books and her social media. Thank you so much for being here. It's so fun, always a pleasure.
Rachel 36:01
I always love talking to you.
Andrea 36:04
Same. Thank you everyone for listening. And you know the drill. Please take a screenshot of this wherever you are listening to this podcast. Share it on your Instagram stories or on Facebook. If you're on Instagram, you can tag me and Rachel and I always do my best to repost it. And remember everyone, it's our life's journey to make ourselves better humans and our life's responsibility to make the world a better place. Bye for now.