PODCAST & BLOG

PODCAST & BLOG

This week’s guest is Sekeithia, and she is the epitome of “making noise.” I came to know her through TikTok and was immediately drawn to her way of being herself on social media and encouraging others to do the same. She often shares openly about her mental health journey, sobriety, self-care, and is a motivator to her community of followers.  

Making noise is about a lot of different things, and it is often about looking at life’s challenges as invitations to show up in your life. In this episode we discuss shining bright when others are trying to dim your light, mental health and self-care, and learning to trust yourself.  Be sure to follow Sekeithia over on TikTok. And remember, this episode (and all of the others in this series) are on video. Head over to YouTube to watch!

In this episode you’ll hear:

  • Sekeithia shares about her mental health journey with bipolar disorder, suicide attempts, and drug abuse. “Mental health was not a conversation we had around the dinner table.”  (4:20)
  • What her mental health self-care looks like today. (10:21)
  • Sekeithia shares about a time she ignored her intuition and had to learn a hard lesson, and how that changed going forward. “Intuition is about trusting yourself.” (14:30)
  • How the question, “Why do you always feel the need to be the brightest in the room?,” dimmed her light and how she began to shine again. (24:35)
  • How Sekeithia defines self-confidence. (29:10)
  • We dive into shadow work: what it is and how it helps. (32:40)

Resources mentioned in this episode:

Watch this episode on YouTube!  https://youtu.be/KlLO6PskrRA
The Make Some Noise Book Club starts next week. All you need is the book to join. For purchasing details or to claim your bonuses visit: AndreaOwen.com/noise
Sekeithia on TikTok
Sekeithia on Instagram

MSN is supported by:
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Find a complete list of our sponsors and their offerings visit andreaowen.com/sponsors. Thank you for your support!

Sekeithia is a social media motivator who often shares openly about her mental health journey, sobriety, self-care, and is a motivator to her community of followers.  She invites followers to come on a journey towards motivational greatness. You can find her active on TikTok, Instagram, and YouTube.

Right-click to download the .mp3

 


SHOW TRANSCRIPT

Sekethia 00:00
We don't have a problem making a to do list right? You know, we got to go to the grocery store, we got to do laundry, we got to do this for the kids, we have to do this. We forget to put our own selves on our to do list all the time. And that's a problem. Baby, it's okay for you to be first on the list. You're not being selfish is not going to make you a bad mom. It's not gonna make you a bad wife. It's not gonna make you a bad girlfriend if you put yourself on your own damn list. Honey, because myself is on the top every time.

Andrea 00:31
You're listening to Make Some Noise Podcast episode number 406 with guest Sekethia.

Welcome to Make Some Noise Podcast, your guide for strategies, tools and insight to empower yourself. I'm your host, Andrea Owen, global speaker, entrepreneur life coach since 2007, an author of three books that have been translated into 18 languages and are available in 22 countries. Each week, I'll bring you a guest or a lesson that will help you maximize unshakable confidence, master resilience and make some noise in your line. You ready? Let's go.

Hey, everyone, welcome to another episode of the podcast. I am so glad that you're here. And I hope that you are well considering there are so many difficult, challenging and emotional things going on in the world right now. I am excited to bring you this guest speaking of so many emotional difficult things. My friend Sekethia is here and she is just the epitome of making some noise. And you will, I'm just gonna let you listen to how we met and why I knew I needed to have her on the show. When I was choosing women for this, make some noise series. I also wanted to get some people who were not in the industry of life coaching and personal development and I just absolutely adore Sekethia. We've become friends, and I know that you're gonna love her too.

One thing I want to remind you about is that book club starts next week. It starts on September 20, Monday, the Facebook group. The pop up Facebook group opens up that day and we are kicking it off with chapter one of Make Some Noise. Have you not, do not have the book yet. I feel like most of you do who listen to the podcast. If you like the podcast, you'll love the book for sure. So head on over to AndreaOwen.com/noise if you have not purchased the book yet. And if you if you have purchased it and you haven't received your bonuses and taken advantage of all the amazing free things there, AndreaOwen.com/MS is where you can get the bonuses the free 60 something page workbook that we created for you that goes along with the book, as well as this book club that's starting on the 20th. It's a month long, we're going over four amazing chapters. It's totally free. It's all online. And I'm really excited to kick that off next week.

Alright, so our guest today the amazing, the motivating, the wonderful and resilient and smart Sekethia is here today. You will hear about it on the show. But I just want to remind you if you're on TikTok, definitely follow her over there Sekethia. So without further ado, here is Sekethia.

Sekethia thank you so much for being here.

Sekethia 03:36
And thank you for having me.

Andrea 03:39
Because I am, I'm so excited to talk to you. And I was telling you before we started recording, I saw you on tik tok. And I mean, I don't want to make you nervous or anything but you're the only guest in the Make Some Boise series that I don't know previously. So we're just meeting for the first time which I've had a lot of guests like that, but I just knew my gut was like, you need to get her on to tell her story to the audience. And I know that you're so much about making noise and we'll get to that in a second. But I would love to ask you if you wouldn't mind sharing with us. Tell us about your mental health journey. And he can be you know, either from starting a long time ago or more recently, whatever you think is the most relevant that wants to come up.

Sekethia 04:20
Well, you know, what's interesting is I was diagnosed bipolar in my late 30s. Right? So when I was a teenager going through, you know, I've got two failed suicide attempts under my belt. I've been institutionalized before I started abusing drugs and alcohol really early, trying to feel normal or numb some feelings I was having and you know, I didn't know why I was feeling what it is that I was feeling. Um, because I'm an extrovert I thought maybe it was just a part of my personality. I didn't know that it was really big, manic. And then when I was diagnosed, it just kind of put all the pieces together. And really to be honest, I can only speak for perspective of like, my household or people of color. Like, that's not really mental health is not a conversation that we have openly around the dinner table, you know, you can't tell your mom that you're depressed, she tells you to do the dishes, you know what I'm saying? And you try to speak with your grandma, she know nothing about that, because we have to be strong black women at all times. Right? So, um, it's been a journey, even still, it's, mental health is not something that you get diagnosed, and you're like, Oh, great. Now I know everything that's wrong. I mean, it's a continuous thing, you know?

Andrea 05:36
Mm hmm. So when you, okay, so did you go into therapy? And was it helpful? Like, what did what did the help look like?

Sekethia 05:44
Well, the help, it's really interesting. So the help was, I did, I had counseling. I had a really great doctor, um, I had to be honest, with my original PCP to get me the help that I needed, not to lie to him and you know, to let him know that I was abusing drugs and also abusing the medication that I initially received. I don't believe that there was ever a time that I swallowed an Adderall, you know, I've always snorted one. You know? It took a long time to get where I am now, because I wasn't being honest. I wasn't being honest with anyone and so like, to have that honest conversation and to really be vulnerable, I had, I hadn't done that, because I had done it in so long. But to be vulnerable, and to understand where you're coming from, and to have somebody understand you, that's half the battle.

Andrea 06:53
Finding a doctor.

Sekethia 06:55
Yeah.

Andrea 06:56
That you can trust. And when, from what I understand, especially for black women, they're often dismissed and not believed. And it can be that can be the first hurdle is just finding someone that believes you and that you can trust.

Sekethia 06:56
Yeah, totally. Because I do believe when it comes down to mental health and therapy and counseling, what we've learned, specifically within this past year, and some change throughout the civil rights movement that's been going on, right? We have really learned about the differences in care with black, indigenous people of color, and others, you know? And I think that some of us didn't even realize the difference in it before. And so I'm really glad that a lot of these conversations are taking place, you know, and that's what happened with my TED talk. I was able to talk about things like this, but it wasn't just only for people of color, you know, like for all of us. There's still a stigma with mental illness and with substance abuse and medication.

Andrea 07:46
There is, and it's, I am glad to see that things are changing a little bit. I'm glad that you know, my children are 11 and 13 and that they're going to grow up in a time where it's not weird, you know, for someone to say that they have anxiety or bipolar disorder or ADHD. And that therapy, because I think you and I are about the same age, like when we were young, that wasn't talked about, like families that went to see therapists, they call them head shrinks. There was there was a lot of stigma around that. You didn't tell people.

Sekethia 08:20
Yeah, I mean, and even think about it, think about it today, right? We're on social media, you're scrolling through Instagram. You see the funny means about being bipolar, or having anxiety, movies, even as far back as Shutter, American Horror Story, you know, the different things that they touch on with institutionalized care, there's so many different things that are shown that are either jokes or scary. It was embarrassing for me when I came out of being at a Psychiatric Center to have that conversation or to have dinner and my fork and knife is plastic, because like they think that I'm about to stab somebody, you know, that I've been stamped being crazy. The stigma behind that, and also even how your family talks to you, or should I say didn't talk to me after I was released. It like it was just weird. And they don't, they don't know what to do a lot of times.

Andrea 09:17
I'm assuming that they probably didn't know what to say either. Like, and this is no fault. I always say this, like, this is not to blame and shame are parents, right? They weren't raised with language around that and like how to be empathetic in any kind of emotional intelligence. Like, I do this for a living and still sometimes like when you know, stuff happens with my kids. I feel like I'm like a deer in headlights. Like, I should know what to say.

Sekethia 09:50
No, and you're right on. This is definitely no blame on the parents. Because when you're dealing with this situation, you know what my mom made that decision that she could not help me or that I needed additional help. You know, I did resent her for a little while because I felt like she gave up on me, you know, to not try to help me you know. And that was something of course that we resolved and had to work out. It is a journey. I mean, we have conversations about it now. And I'm 44 conversations about it now that we never got to have then.

Andrea 10:21
That's a great segue to my next question is I wanted to ask you, you know, fast forward to now, what is your self-care look like? And more specifically, do you have certain people that you can can lean on? Like, did you meet people in you know, in therapy groups or online? What does that look like?

Sekethia 10:36
You know what, I love that you are using the word self-care, because I don't really think that a lot of people drill down into what self-care means, right? So some people, I think that as soon as they hear the word self-care, they're like, yeah, you know, I'm going to get my nails done, I got my, you know, I got my hair done. It's a self-care did for me today. But for…

Andrea 10:56
Which, by the way, your hair now if you guys are just listening to this, and not watching it on video Sekethia, you showed up today. And I've got my fake bun in. This, this hairdo is Andrea played tennis this morning, and is a mess so…

Sekethia 11:08
I love it. There's nothing wrong with a messy bun, okay? And so for to me, self-care, meant everything around me, my universe, right? So for me, because of the fact that, you know, I was doing drugs, and I was drinking, right? I had to weed out the company that I was keeping. What good was it going to do me if I'm doing the steps, but my village around me is still toxic? I had to break off and remove tons of people from my life.

You know, they say that you can't pick your blood, right? But your selective family is what I call them, you can choose. And my selective family, I was able to have these conversations with them. So when they know when I am having one of my moments or episodes, and I'm off the grid, they send me a text just to make sure that I'm okay, and that I'm still saved and then I can respond to them. But I'll see them in a couple of days. And they are in tune with me because I'm honest with them.

Andrea 12:14
That’s what I was gonna ask you like, have you set that up intentionally?

Sekethia 12:18
Yes. Listen, to me what I've learned about being honest, and being transparent, it's freedom for me, like, with my TicTok for me to tell a half a million people that sometimes I get to a space where self-care, meaning showers are difficult for me. And to have that video go viral when so many people tell me that they were so thankful that I'm able to say something that they can't. This is something that my, my family that I chose, that they know about. You know what I'm saying? And so they know how I move, and I've been honest and transparent, and then they know how to support me. And it's not a guessing game. Because just like how we say about our men, right? Like, we want them to be able to read our minds, but they can't, it's the same with your family with your friends, whoever you're choosing to have in your circle, they can't read your mind, you know? So we, we have to let them know what time it is.

Andrea 13:15
I love that. And I often say that it's you know, it's interesting, when I got into this work, I have no idea going in how much of just being in a healthy relationship. I know this is gonna sound really stupid. I didn't realize how much of it was based on communication and boundary setting, and requests. And, and being very, very clear. I mean, it took me a few years to even just know that when I come to my husband with a problem, I preface it with, I'm about to tell you something, and I don't need you to fix it, I just need you to listen, and then give me a hug at the end. And I can tell that it's hard for him, you know, not to like, give his input and his opinion. I'm like, I don't want your big fat opinion. If I wanted it, I will tell you.

Sekethia 14:00
But you know what, it's so funny you say that, because that's what I believe we're conditioned to do. Like, if you were to tell me like, girl, you know, this is happening. And this is how I feel and you know, automatically I we are conditioned to now I want to relate to you. Right? So that that means…

Andrea 14:15
And make the person feel better.

Sekethia 14:17
Right. So I'm gonna say girl, you know, the same thing happened to me, but this is what I did. But that's not necessarily what I need from you. I just need to hear what it is that I'm saying. I don't need you to relate. I just need you to listen.

Andrea 14:30
Acknowledge. Yeah, just people just want to be heard and seen. That's something else I've learned in this work. And speaking of hearing and seeing, I want to talk about intuition, because it's something that I wrote about and Make Some Noise. And I'm curious about your quote unquote, intuition journey. So have you do you have I feel like everyone has a story they can tell about a time they ignored their intuition and thought they, you know, just went the other direction, ignored it, and then it kind of blew up in their face and they learned the lesson the hard way. Do you have any stories like that?

Sekethia 15:03
Baby I have a million.

Andrea 15:04
How much time do you have?

Sekethia 15:06
This is how I feel about intuition right? So you know when we are young a lot of the decisions that we make are based off of intuition because we were learning we don't know right or wrong, right? That gut is what's leading us. We don't necessarily know the stove is hot until we actually touch it, and then it’s hot, and then we learn, right? But to me, intuition is also about trust now, right? So there used to be a time where I did not trust myself with the decisions that I was making. Yet did my gut tell me that the ex that I had was extremely toxic, even though he has already been violent, which was causing me to drink more, and then we got in a car and got in a fistfight, and then the car flipped over a guardrail? Did my intuition tells me not to originally pick him up in the first place? Yes. But because of the fact that I was so scattered, and the different things that I had going on in my life, I didn't trust myself enough to listen to my own gut, right? So now, with my intuition I'm totally more in tune because of the work that I've done on myself with myself. Now I trust the decisions that I'm able to make. And I'm able to listen to my intuition more.

Andrea 16:22
Oh, that deserves a standing ovation. Partly because I can relate and I'm sure so many people listening to this. Every time I asked this question, the first story that someone tells me is about a relationship. Sometimes it’s a friendship, but mostly, it's a romantic relationship.

Sekethia 16:39
It’s a romantic relationship, right? Because we are clouded by everything else. Girl, our gut tells us what it is that we need to do. It does. But we always are guessing it.

Andrea 16:51
It’s kind of spooky.

Sekethia 16:52
It's very spooky, right? You know, I'm all about the energies and the vibes and the listening to yourself. But if you've if, like I said, if you don't trust yourself, see, that's when you can't hear yourself, you know what I'm saying? And so now with me, you know, doing a lot of the self-work that I've done. Now I'm able to trust myself, and I can hear myself more clearly now than I could before.

 

Andrea 17:16
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How do you think I'm going off script here a little bit, but I am very curious about self-trust. And do you think that there was was there like a moment where you decided like I need to start trusting myself? Or was that just an incremental? Like time after time, as the years went on? You started to trust yourself more?,

Sekethia 22:07
No, I will say as the years went on, and then I will also say, again, with the changes that I've made in my life. I mean, was I trusting myself when I was snorting a gram of coke day? No. I'm saying like, I did not have the bandwidth that I didn't have the, I didn't have the bandwidth. I was still scattered. I was at focus, right. So I will say that a lot changed. You know, of course, when I got sober, I never had a problem with alcohol, but always drugs. I was always a party girl. And then it just morphed into some monster that I couldn't get rid of. And when I started getting my life more in order, you know, because you cannot continue to live in chaos. Like you just can't and it was chaotic.

Andrea 22:50
Tell me if this was your experience. So when I got sober and my sobriety was, you know, people when they hear that I got sober from alcohol, they they asked me like what my rock bottom moment was. And I'm like, oh, it was years before that with codependence and love addiction. Like, my relationship with love and men was a disaster. That was a disaster, and codependence. Drinking was just kind of the last hurrah, the last symptom for me.

But really, when I did finally stopped doing that, it was sort of my last vice, and my life really did start to change. And, and it was just, it was like, you know, I was able to start writing books and started a business that was working and I was clear headed, and, and all the energy, the mental energy from like, constantly thinking about other things, and trying to numb out of my life, and my friendships improved. And like you were saying, like, I was able to articulate, you know, when I had been hurt, and I wasn't just a bitch about it, or like passive aggressive, which is so easy to do. But, you know, in order to preserve the relationship, just, nicer, and that, to me, was the quote unquote, like life of my wildest dreams. And, and just, everything started to open up. And when that happened, I felt like I could trust myself because I had made the decision to change my life. And it worked.

Sekethia 24:12
There you go. Yeah. And just like with anything else that we do, right? It's almost like the proof is in the pudding, so to speak. Right? So when that started happening, and the changes that you started making, and your mind is more clear, you're able to handle this and you do that it's like, wow, okay. You know, it's that solidification of the changes that you made, which of course, makes you want to continue of course.

Andrea 24:35
Yeah, the validation life hands you. I it's like the universe's winking at you more of that. To do that. I want to ask about you know, the title of the book is, is Make Some Noise and and this series is, I'm bringing on women who I know have made some noise in their life and in making noise is a lot of different things. And one of one of the chapters is about shining bright and taking up space, which which it seems like you are a person that does so can you tell us was there ever a time and maybe give us an example of a time where where you did not and and what what was happening on.

Sekethia 25:11
Oh man, you know, that goes back again to relationships. I literally was in a relationship with someone that was so insecure. He literally said to me, why do you always feel like you have to be the brightest thing in the room. And that changed me completely. Number one, I mean, it broke me down, mentally. Yeah. And it made me be quiet. And I just was like, yo, like, I couldn't even believe that this was me. I'm an extrovert, that's not me, you know, me actually dimming myself down for someone else, you know?

And, again, it goes back to removing the certain people from your life, finding your own voice, finding yourself confidence, right? And I will never allow that to happen to me again. Ever. You know, I believe that we all, you know, have light, we all have worth, we all have purpose and it's unfortunate that some of the people that we may have in our lives, you know, aren't comfortable with how we shine. But that's their problem. That's not our problem.

Andrea 26:17
I have had some variation of that said to me a couple of times. And when you said it, like I felt my throat, kind of like, get stuck for a second. And my heart just breaks for you that former self of you receiving that comment, which was clearly not a compliment. And his own insecurities, I agree with you on that. I think most people listening have either had that comment where someone's asking them to turn the volume down or maybe they're more of an introverted woman, but they're highly intelligent and they speak up a lot of meetings, and they always have the best ideas and it's like, you know, they get the comment, like, could you save some air for somebody else? That type of that type of comment, it’s just these little digs. Here. My opinion is that like, we see them for what they are in the moment. And we might be irritated or angry and not not believe the person you know, and say like, but it still makes you know, that you're making other people uncomfortable.

Sekethia 27:15
Right. That's right, you know, and a lot of times, you know, those are things that we just brush off or we do not address.

Andrea 27:36
In the moment.

Sekethia 27:37
Exactly, exactly.

Andrea 27:41
I am and that's what this book is like is like no, we're not brushing those off. And we may brush it off in the moment but it's we internalize it. And that's you know, the culture the culture teaches us that like as women we are to be quiet, not be the brightest star in the room, definitely don't make other people uncomfortable, don't out shine anyone else, whether it's a man or woman. And I think, you know, depending on your identity, whether it's your race identity, or your sexual orientation, there are nuances. In the book, there's, there's a woman who was talking about, you know, as a black woman, and she's also younger, she's a young millennial. And she says, I often feel like I have to be quiet cuz I don't want to be stereotyped.

Sekethia 28:19
Yeah, you know, I work for a corporation and a lot of times, um, you know, in office meetings, and we're having meetings, like I sometimes have to second guess, not necessarily what I'm going to say, but how I'm going to say it because even though like we said earlier, changes coming, right. But I don't want to be labeled as the angry black chick in the office, you know, that that sticks with you, you know? But I have found, you know, certain ways for me to still be able to express myself in different ways of being able to express myself that's not dumbing myself down. But honey on, my TicTok, though, because, you know, that's my personal space, you know, I'm saying? I not only have my voice, but I also, I'm encouraging others to speak there as well. You know, they really make some noise over there. For real you know, what I'm saying?

Andrea 29:10
Is my favorite, I can't wait for everybody to go follow you over there. Oh, my gosh, you're one of my very favorite accounts over there. Well, let's talk about it's a good segue over to self-confidence. So I love to know how other women who I feel like they have self-confidence. How do you define it?

Sekethia 29:27
Well, for me, um, self-confidence for me, again, goes back to a couple of different, well, for me, self-confidence goes back to transparency. Okay? And transparency, also, the words I like to use is owning my shit, right? So what's really interesting is that people like to throw things in your face, whether it's an ex, whether it's a family member, whether it's whatever, right? So for me with my social media situation, even in my life, my real life, I am very transparent. Not meaning that you know, I tell all my peers, but I'm transparent as meaning if I said, I said it. If I did it, I did it. If I sorted it, I sorted it. That's what I did. Right? So because of the fact that I'm transparent, that's where I get my self-confidence from because there is nothing that anybody can use against me as a weapon against me, you know?

And I stand tall and who the hell I am. I can sit here and say that I am a drug addict, not a user. All right? I'm loud, I'm an extrovert, I'm funny, I'm smart. These are all of the things that I have no problems being able to recognize and myself, right? We can say really easy, like, I can say to you, girl, you're so pretty, you are so small, like, I really love your shirt. But a lot of times, we have a hard time looking at ourselves, finding the beauty in ourselves, the worthiness in ourselves, the purpose in ourselves. But it's so easy for us to be able to see it and everybody else. But no baby, my transparency, my being able to own my shit. This has given me the confidence that I need, in order for me to you know, have that self-confidence and stand tall and who I am. And, you know, I'm not going to let anybody ever take that away from me, I won't I got that I guard my self-confidence with my life.

Andrea 31:22
I love that explanation. And I've never heard it explained like that. And we know what it reminds me of it reminds me of? Are familiar with Dr. Brené Brown?
Sekethia 31:28
Yes.
Andrea 31:29
Okay. She talks about, you know, owning your story. And that's what it sounds like, along the same lines. And she says that when we orphan parts of ourselves, because we're ashamed of them, that's where the breakdown begins. Like, that's when we start to what she calls hustle for our worthiness. So that's where perfectionism comes in people pleasing, hiding.

Sekethia 31:51
Know that none of that works for me. Honey. If I said it I said it, if I sucked it I sucked it, if I didn it did it. That's what I did. You know, I'm saying? And nobody is going to stay me for that, or I'm not going to omit any of that. That is who I am. I do carry some of my past with me, but not as something that I'm ashamed of, like, all of that makes me who the hell I am now, you know, and I rock with that. Don't nobody rock with that better than I rock with it honey. That's what I do.

Andrea 32:22
You do very much. So do you have any advice for listeners who are in a place like maybe maybe there's a woman who's out there who's in a place where she, you know, she's not the type who's going to be transparent, and, you know, talk to millions of people on her social media, but she wants to gain a little bit more self-confidence, what would you say to her?

Sekethia 32:40
you know what I would say to her again, I mean, it's, it's going to sound simple, but it is a process of, you know, just owning. Owning you. There were so many times where, like I said, our family, our friends, our jobs, you know, want to, you know, put us in a little box. That self-work, also shadow work, self-love, getting to know who you are, that is work. It is the good shit, the bad shit, the dirty shit, the siht you don't talk about. When you're home, when you're alone, whatever. You got to get real with you, right? Because if you don't get real with yourself, and if you're not really able to drill down deep into yourself, you're you're not going to have that, you know? That that's how it worked for me. I don't know if it would for anybody else. But just owning you and getting to know who you are. And that is a journey.

Honey, I'm 44 years old, I'm quite sure I'm still gonna be figuring out who I am by the time I'm 50-55. You know, I'm saying it's a constant journey. It's not a boom, I got it. And now I'm done. No baby, that's work. Always said all the time that we don't have a problem making the to-do lists, right? You know, we got to go to the grocery store, we got to do laundry, we got to do this for the kids, we have to do this. But baby we forget to put our own selves on our to do list all the time. And that's a problem. Baby it's okay for you to be first on the list. You're not being selfish. It's not gonna make you a bad mom, it's not gonna make you a bad wife, it's not gonna make you a bad girlfriend, if you put yourself on your own damn lists, honey, because that's what myself is on the top every time.

Andrea 34:25
Good. I love that. Yes, we we make time to go get our nails done and go to the gym and do all these things to take care of ourselves and go get mammograms. And that's all important to do all those things. And do you have on the calendar, where you're going to listen to that podcast and answer the questions that therapist talked about or do the homework that your therapist gave you? I remember when I when I first got sober. It wasn't my first foray into 12-step programs, but it was the first time I actually like really did the work. Did you do a 12-step program?

Sekethia 34:56
Um, I got outside counseling. I didn't necessarily do a program. Like I realized like 75 5011 times you know what I’m saying?

Andrea 35:00
Doing research.

Sekethia 35:01
Yeah. I have been on a straight and narrow for five going on six years straight with no relapse.

Andrea 35:08
Okay, awesome. Well, the reason I ask is because you know, step four is, and it's the more inventory. And I don't love the semantics about character defects. It's not my favorite. But that was honestly like, one of the first times I ever sat down and and was like, oh my god, I am selfish and entitled. And I, I get so fired up when I see it and in other people, I'm all judgmental, and, and I was like, oh, because I am that way. And I don't like that about myself. And I feel like it's gross. And that was probably the first like real, quote unquote, shadow work that I had done. Yeah. And it is humbling. And I mean, the shame. Best work is that is the best work. So I want to ask before I ask you the very last question, I want to ask you about shadow work, because you mentioned that in some of your TikToks, and there's always a lot of questions about that. So how do you how do you describe Shadow Work?

Sekethia 36:03
I mean, for me again, that's that gritty, you know? Like how you were saying about you felt entitled on you know, when these are some of the things I called them, the I call them the drowning out of my toxic behaviors, you know? And so those were the things that I needed to really evaluate. You know, when I was on drugs, yo, like, I was a manipulator. I was a liar. I was a dirtbag. I was a cheater. I was a scammer. Like, these are all the things that I had to I was frightened, I was a liar. I just, these are all the things that I have to accept about myself, you know? I was living, lies, and baby, these are the things that had me crawled up in a ball on the floor like, oh my god. You know what I’m saying? But but that's that work, right? That's that deep dive. That's what I like to call it.

Andrea 37:00
It isn't I think, like from my experience in doing shadow work is like there's there's the initial kind of like whiplash of like realizing how poorly you had behaved towards other people and towards yourself and the choices that you made. And, and I felt a lot of shame. And then, and this was, you know, with a trusted therapist realized, I was I was honestly doing the best I could. My best was shit. But I was doing the best I could. And just trying to survive and get my needs met. Because it's I think it's, it's a slippery slope and an easy trap to fall in, when we look back on our former selves, and we kind of talk shit about about it. And I did that for a little while and it didn't feel good. I finally had to, I had to, like, forgive my former self and these various stages of my life where I was honestly doing my best. And I just was in an extraordinary amount of pain. Yeah. Which people are which are behaving poorly.

Sekethia 37:59
That's right. That's right. I love how you said, forgive yourself. Because I think that that's one thing that we don't do enough of right? But it's so easy for us to give somebody else second chances, and third chances and fourth chances. But we don't do enough of that for ourselves, me forgiving myself for being a dirtbag and a liar and a manipulator. And really being able to understand why I was in the place that I was in, the pain that I was feeling during that time, why I was numbing myself. That what gives me the fuel to go forward when I forgave myself that forgiving myself, takes the power from somebody else to be able to use any of that as a weapon against me as well. Because I forgive myself, I don't give a damn what you tell now.

Andrea 38:46
The only one that matters, if you forgive yourself. Well, last question. So making noise, you know, one of the chapters I write about is, is using life's challenges as invitations to really show up in your life. And I think that I don't think that people need to have kind of a life altering moment, like, you don't need to, you know, be addicted to drugs, or be a love addict, like me. And so don't wait for that, to change your life. Not for everyone. But I do think, you know, breakups or losing a job, whether it was COVID or not, or someone passing away, you know, these huge challenging things that we all do deal with can be invitations. So can you tell us about a time in your life where this has happened to you and what was your takeaway?

Sekethia 39:31
Oh, wow, an invitation shot. I mean, you're right, like, nobody needs to have gone through some of the things that we've gone through. But I will say that those events were so huge in my life, that's when I needed to show up. But for me, the invitation for me to jump in, you know, was when I decided to stop getting high, like, literally, I thought I was gonna have a heart attack one night. And so I'm cleaning up all the shit around me, you know, like, I'm putting my throw my little back, but sometimes I have to call 911 you know? And I just remember in that moment, straightening up because I didn't want to be embarrassed, I didn't want to be embarrassed if I died, for the ambulance to come, and then I didn't want to be embarrassed in death for my mom and other people to say, well, you know, there was like straws and coke bags and stuff like that all around the room, you know. And I had said to myself, like you, you have to jump in this cannot be it.

Now, like you were saying not everybody is going to have that type of moment, you know. That is an invitation to get back into their life. But I do know, speaking with some people on social media, watching some of the events that has been going on since the beginning of 2020, right? Almost five, over 500,000 people have died and are still dying. Like I said, the civil rights movement that has been going on, it really makes you think it's making you think people losing their jobs and so forth, is really making you think like that my time is now or hopefully, there'll be making you think that your time is now.

I always feel like there is no age on change. There's no age on figuring out your purpose, you can still be 55 years old and trying to figure shit out. That’s okay let's normalize that. You know? But really, I know that with some folks really paying attention to what's going on the outside makes them reflect on on them. And I do know that some people have taken that invitation based on what's going on around them in the world. You know what I'm saying?

Andrea 41:34
Yes, and I think every day is an invitation to show up.

Sekethia 41:38
You better believe it.

Andrea 41:39
When when when life falls apart, it's usually a little louder of an invitation, smack in the face. If you are feeling inspired, and you want to give everybody a little pep talk, we still have a few minutes, if you want to take up space and make some noise. The floor is yours. And we're going to tell everybody also where to find you on your social media channels

Sekethia 42:00
Well, you know, what I think that I will leave people with what I always remind everyone about on my social media is is that, and I spoke on it a little bit earlier. About how easy it is for us to be able to look and see beauty and others purpose in others worthiness and others. And we're not able to see that within ourselves. And I know that it sounds crazy, because the people that are listening to me don't know me from a can of paint, but I just want to remind everyone that you are just as worthy. You have purpose. You are worth the time. And I want to remind everybody who's hearing the sound of my voice, that you are one of the most important projects that you will ever get the opportunity to work on. And don't squander that. Don't say that I'm going to start this tomorrow, I'm going to start this on Monday. I'm going to start this on Saturday. Do that shit now. Do it now.

And if you have people in your life that can't understand that if you have people in your life that if you're telling them no, not today, because I have to do this for me and if they don't understand that, that is not your problem. That's their problem. And I'm asking you today for you to start working on the most important project that you can work on. Remember, you working on yourself isn't taking anything away from your kids, your husband, your wife. It's not taking anything away from anybody else. But I just want to remind everyone how important that they are just in case if somebody didn't tell you today baby I'm gonna let you know that you are important.

Andrea 43:27
If you start a church I'm going to be the first member I'll tell you that. I don't know what who you are what you channel when you when you do that, but it is something bigger than us. And I appreciate your time and energy and you are a beautiful human being. Congratulations on your on your long term sobriety.

Sekethia 44:58
Thank you.

Andrea 44:59
You're just inspiring and and tell us who you are on TicTok and for those who are all only on Instagram you have a different handle. And we'll throw those in the show notes you guys if you missed it but I want you to go right now and follow Sekethia online. Okay, so tell us.

Sekethia 44:12
On Instagram I am @BeGreatYDigb which is B-E-G-R-E-A-T-Y-A-D-I-G and then on TikTok I am @Sekethia which is my first name. S-E-K-E-T-H-I-A. Sekethia.

Andrea 44:18
I'll tag you on on Instagram when this post goes live. I just I thank you for your time. And everybody listening the best gift you can give to me is to share this episode you take a screenshot of it on your device and share it on social media either in your stories and always tag me because I repost it I'm @HeyAndreaOwen, on on Instagram and tag Sekethia as well. And remember everyone it is our life's journey to make ourselves better humans and our life's responsibility to make the world a better place. Bye for now.

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