Returning to the show this week is Rachel Luna. We are talking all about what it means to have resilience, practicing self-compassion, and managing imposter syndrome. I asked Rachel to be a part of the Make Some Noise series because she is simply one of the best hype women I have in my corner and is an equally amazing life coach.
Rachel is a highly sought-after international speaker, Certified Master Neuroscience & Life Coach to 7 + 8-figure earning entrepreneurs, and host of the popular podcast, Permission to Offend which has listeners in over 90 countries around the world.
In this episode you’ll hear:
- Rachel shares her perspective on what it means when a woman is taking up space. (6:51)
- Find out what Rachel thinks about confidence; plus why confidence always leads back to identity and staying in integrity. (9:14)
- Self-confidence vs. confidence, and the biggest mistake people make when they are working on self-confidence. (10:59)
- Navigating imposter complex, “None of us are immune from imposter syndrome, it’s just something we learn to manage over time.” (16:27)
- Rachel shares her experience with breast cancer and how that led her to practice self-compassion. (24:39)
- Resilience: knowing and believing that you can get back up. “You can start over any second of the day.” (43:33)
- “Allowing oneself to make some noise helps us to get to the next level of understanding and growth with one another.” (55:37)
Resources mentioned in this episode:
Watch this episode on YouTube! https://youtu.be/FT8z_gzdFTA
Come see me at the Bookmarks Festival of Books & Authors on Saturday, September 25th!
The Make Some Noise Book Club has started, but you can still join us! All you need is the book. For purchasing details or to claim your bonuses visit: AndreaOwen.com/noise
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Episode 133: Confidence, consistency, and getting what you want, with Rachel Luna
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Rachel Luna is a highly sought-after international speaker, Certified Master Neuroscience & Life Coach to 7 + 8-figure earning entrepreneurs, and host of the popular podcast, Permission to Offend which has listeners in over 90 countries around the world. Rachel is a former U.S. Marine and was named by Forbes as one of The 11 Most Inspiring Female Entrepreneurs To Follow On Instagram.
Rachel teaches you how to completely transform your life and manifest your desires in just 5 min per day through her Faith Activated Journaling Experience program. Often referred to by clients as their “secret weapon,” Rachel has a reputation for inspiring confident action and helping her clients double, triple, and quadruple their income.
Follow Rachel on Instagram @girlconfident and make sure you plan to attend her live event, Confidence Activated if you want to have an experience that goes beyond cliches, rah-rah speeches and platitudes and helps you get deep into the root of the issue.
You can start over any second of the day. You don't have to wait till Monday, you don't have to wait till New Year's. It is just picking yourself up dusting yourself off taking the lessons from whatever failure, fall setback, and bringing it forward with you that we are capable of being resilient if we allow ourselves that gift.
You're listening to Make Some Noise Podcast episode number 407 with guest Rachel Luna.
Welcome to Make Some Noise Podcast, your guide for strategies, tools and insight to empower yourself. I'm your host, Andrea oh and global speaker, entrepreneur, life coach since 2007, and author of three books that have been translated into 18 languages and are available in 22 countries. Each week, I'll bring you a guest or a lesson that will help you maximize unshakable confidence, master resilience, and make some noise in your life. Are you ready? Let's go.
Hello, my beautiful listeners. How are you today? Welcome to another episode. I am so glad that you are here. I have a couple of important announcements. First one being that you are phenomenal. And I hope that someone has told you that lately and if they haven't, then I am here to tell you that you are an amazing human being.
All right. That being said, I am going to be at the Bookmarks Festival. this coming Saturday, September 25. If you are in the triad North Carolina area, Greensboro, Winston Salem, somewhere around there, the bookmarks festival is in Winston Salem. I'm going to be on a panel, talking about mental health, talking about important things, important things about personal development, with some other really great authors. One of them is the woman that wrote the book Group. Her name is Christie Tate. Christie Tate wrote the book Group about group therapy and she's gonna be on the panel with me. I'm excited to meet her. And that is on Saturday, the 25th. It is free. Most of the events at this festival are free, the vast majority of them open to the public. It's a huge event. I didn't realize how big it was when they asked me to come and be on a panel. But I'm excited. I'm excited. And that is Saturday, September 25.
The other thing is that book club, our book club, book club for Make Some Noise started this week, but it's not too late to join. It's a month long so if you are a little bit late, that's okay, better late than never head on over to AndreaOwen.com/MSN to sign up. And we'll see you there.
Oh, I'm sorry, whoopsies. If you want to come to the Bookmarks Festival, the one that I'm going to speak at the panel on, that is BookmarksNC.org/Festival. BookmarksNC.org/Festival and then if you want to join our book club, that's AndreaOwen.com/MSN. Sorry about that. Not giving you all the pertinent information. I'm recording this first thing on a Monday morning. Apparently I need a little bit more coffee.
The last announcement before we jump into the conversation that I have for you today is that if you are in need of a speaker, maybe you own a company or you work at a company that does events, conferences, trainings, that type of thing. I might be your lady. I speak about self-confidence and resilience. Those are my main keynotes and I am seasoned, I can speak for a group of 10 or 10,000 and I'm fun and I get to give you a hug. So that's a bonus. AndreaOwen.com/Speaking. Also I can do the daring way I can facilitate The Daring Way. That is the methodology based on Brené Brown’s research. I am trained and certified in that work and it works best for small group. So hit me up AndreaOwen.com/contact or you can email us firstname.lastname@example.org. If you need more information about my keynotes that's at AndreaOwen.com/speaking. You can read about them and maybe see what one is right for your company.
Okay, everyone, buckle up because Rachel Luna’s back on the show. I feel like this is probably her third time being on maybe more. Rachel is absolutely one of my favorite people. One of the best hype women I have in my corner. I'm so grateful to call her my friend. For those of you who are new to her. Let me tell you a little bit about her. Rachel Luna is a highly sought after international speaker, certified master neuroscience and life coach to seven and eight figure earner entrepreneurs and host of the popular podcast Permission to Offend, which has listeners in over 90 countries around the world. Rachel is a former US Marine and was named by Forbes as one of the most inspiring female entrepreneurs to follow on Instagram. Rachel teaches you how to completely transform your life and manifest your desires in just five minutes per day. Through her faith activated journaling experience program often referred to by clients as their secret weapon, Rachel has a reputation for inspiring, confident action and helping her clients double, triple and quadruple their income. So without further ado, here is Rachel.
Rachel Luna is back on the show. I feel like this your, I feel like this is maybe your third time.
At least second. And also we talked pretty regularly, so…
We do talk pretty regularly. Yeah. So I do I do get all of the details which I am so honored to. And I'm just honored to have you on the show for this particular series. Because this is the Make Some Noise series, where I've asked I've hand selected some very amazing, phenomenal women to come on women that I know are making noise in their life. Hence, these questions. So are you ready?
I'm so ready. And I've done zero preparation. So this is going to be good.
Very organic. The very first chapter in my book is about taking up space. So I want to know, from your perspective, what does that mean? How do you describe it when a woman is taking up space?
Yes, for me, when a woman is taking up space, she's allowing herself to be seen. She's allowing herself to be heard fully. So all thoughts, all intentions are being fully expressed from start to finish. And we're not looking at the clock. We're not checking to see like, oh, was this group coaching call all about me? Oh, did I spend too much time in this email? Did I take up too much time on an IG live or, you know, when we go in, and we'll we say something like, and I've done it myself, by the way. So I don't want to take up too much of your time. I don't want to bother you too much. Like no, if you're here, go ahead and bother. Like if I let you in, you have permission to bother. And I also think it's up to each one of us as individuals to set the boundaries to say, absolutely. This is how much time I have available to you take it all up, take as much of it as you need. But at that hour mark or whatever timeframe I've said is my boundary, then we'll table it for another day.
It sounds like you you look at it from a perspective also of trust that the other person is going to set the boundary.
Yes. I look at it from the perspective of trust that we are all operating in truth. It's our responsibility to operate in our own truth. And because I've already made the decision that I'm walking in truth, and in order for me to have a safe relationship with the people in my life, I have to be able to trust that they are in truth. So if you say to me, yeah, let's hang out this weekend, or let's get on the call, let's get on a call at two o'clock. That time is for me. You set that two o'clock aside for me. I'm going to come in and take that space. If you set the two o'clock, but you didn't really mean two o'clock, you meant 330 and I call you at two or you messaged me say ‘oh, can we reschedule?’ No, we can't. You said you gave me this time. And and that's not to say like, things don't happen. I've had to reschedule things as well. But I want to be able to take people at face value.
I love that. And it is, I love that you pointed out that it is about like trust that the other person. If they don't have the time, they're not going to say that they do. They're gonna they're gonna say so trust them. Let's talk about which I feel like is one of your favorite topics. Let's talk about self-confidence.
Oh, yeah. Okay.
How do you do? How do you define it? Cuz I know this is a big part of your brand and the work that you do. How do you define it?
Fun fact is, I'm really over confidence. Like, I'm over the topic of it.
Oh, really like your burnout? Like confidence burnout?
Because people look to me to have the answers for their self-confidence. And the reality is like, I have zero answers. I have no key to unlock your confidence only you have that. And for me when I think about like what does it mean to be self-confident? It is really about believing who you say you are. Right? And so if you don't believe if you say like I'm a confident woman, but you don't believe you're confident well then, no wonder you're struggling. If you say I am goal oriented, but then you don't actually set goals. Of course you don't feel confident. So for me, it's always going back to that identity. What do I value? What do I believe? And am I operating in those values and belief systems that I've said, define me.
So it sounds like like staying in integrity to yourself,
Always, 100%. And and so there are two, there are two paths of this confidence conversation, right? First is like, what is confidence and then what is self-confidence. Confidence is the belief in something it's having faith, trust and belief in something. It’s going to happen, it's going to be fine. At the end of the day, you're going to survive. Self-confidence is believing and trusting in you. Like, do you actually believe you can pull off the dreams that you have? Do you actually know what steps you need to take for the day, or at least, who to turn to to help you figure out those steps. Like that those are the components of self-confidence. And I think that one of the biggest mistakes that people make when pursuing self-confidence is, as I said, at the beginning, turning their attention to someone to help them find it, or develop it or whatever. And listen, I've been selling confidence for years. So thank you for keeping me in business. But now I'm at the place of like, I don't want to keep selling people, something that they already have in them. I'm in a whole new place of integrity. Don't come to me for confidence, come to me, if you want to learn how to journal. Come to me, if you want to learn how to open up your mouth and speak your truth. You know, come to me, if you want to have a good time you want to community do not come to me to give you the answers about you. And don't go to anybody else either.
In my opinion, and then I have a little asterix that's *Andrea has keynotes around, like…
But we're being, here's the thing, let's be clear about this. I do help people feel more confident. And I do help them unlock it by asking the questions there. The conversations around self-confidence are important, those chinos are important. I just want to make sure that for the person listening right now, that you remember that at the end of the day, after you've consumed all the content, after you've attended every live event, and watched every keynote, and joined every program, that at the end of the day, all of us, were just giving you a sample from the buffet. At the end of the day, you have to take every flavor that you tried and create your own recipe. You have to make your own main meal. And that is what I hope I'm teaching women and men to do and non-binary, you know, however you want to call, associate, but it's all about like, what is your plate filled with? And what did you make?
I love that so much. And here's my take on it. And I think we're we're, you know, we're slinging the same thing. My rule of thumb is, look at what you're consuming and purchasing and listening to and hey, like we're in the industry. Like, you know, please continue to buy our books and listen our podcasts. And what are you actually doing in your real life because what I have found in my four and a half decades on this planet, is that self-confidence comes from like your, your real and actual competence. Like, are you competent doing the thing that you either, you know, are trying to get better at or that you want to do more of and you know, that's things like your career, hard conversations, you know being vulnerable, things like that, your skill set. And then also are you taking action on difficult things. And this doesn't have to be grandiose, giant things like going to medical school, you know, in your 50s or something like these are small bits of logic…Yeah, I'm good at that.
I'm horrible at that.
That’s one thing. I'm very, ADHD people like we're very organized about certain things and then you should see my desk right now. My closet is immaculate but my desk is like theirs.
Okay, so my kitchen cabinets right now. pristine. I have ADHD too, right. So cabinets, pristine laundry room today. A sparkling don't look in my closet, please don't go into my bedroom closet.
We're also, yeah, well, yeah, this small thing. Like take action take action is what I'm trying to say. And I cannot guarantee it's gonna work out. You might fall on your face, you might get fired, you may they may say no to your promotion. The confidence come the self-confidence comes on the other side when you start to build resilience and you know that you're not going to die doing the thing And you're like, Oh, I lived through it. Oh, that sucked. It did. But I tried brave. And I went for it. And I could have just sat on the couch instead. That's really the recipe to me like…
I agree. And so I say that all the time, like confidence is knowing you're not gonna die at the other end of it. You said competence. I think it's also your belief in your ability to develop competence. That growth mindset. Okay. Hey, Carol Dweck, shout out to you.
Yay, Carol. We're on a first name basis
I don't know her. But in my mind, we are our best friends.
I have had so many conversations with women with my clients that their resume is long, and all of their skills, but they're still feeling that you know, that imposter complex and things like that. Do you encounter a lot of women like that?
I am that woman. What are you talking about?
Okay. We tell me about that. What do you think that?
Yeah, well, it' all comes down to the programming that we've had. Whatever's been imprinted on us from not just a children, but, and I write about this in my upcoming book. But I write about the fact that we can, our beliefs can be imposed on us at any age. Whether we are babies, newborn babies, or 40 year old women. And so, for me, the imposter syndrome is something that I navigate depending on the day. And it's not that I don't in my core belief, it's that I'm just afraid in that moment, my friend Marshawn Evans just said a great, and I wrote it down. She said, “people don't struggle from a lack of clarity. They actually suffer from an abundance of doubt.” And I love that and right.
So to me, when I think about the imposter syndrome, it's not that I don't believe in who I am, it's just that I'm afraid that I'm going to be able to fully be who I truly am on that day. Or I'm afraid that I'm going to be able to execute, because you talk about taking action. But it sounds so simple, right? Like, just do it. Nike said it best Just Do It. But it's not just it's one of those easier said than done. It's a simple thing that's hard to do, just like journaling, which I talk about often as well. So when I say like I am that woman, I just mean none of us are immune from imposter syndrome. And it's just something that we learn how to manage over time. So for me when it comes in, I'm like, oh, hi, welcome back, you've come for a visit. There you are. Let's have a conversation. And so by there, I go on my journal fell on the floor. But here's another journal. I said, they're all over the place. I'm surrounded. I go into my journal, and I'll ask us, what are you trying to tell me? Fear why are you here? Imposter syndrome, you know, where do we not feel enough? And I always look at it as a wee thing, which may be a little Sybil… Di you remember Sybil? The woman who had like, 50.
All the personalities.
So, but I look at it as the we is who I am as an adult woman, in conjunction with the child in me, that is running this show, right? The programming from all my past trauma. So it's like, what are we doing today and what's the fear. Where do we need more support? Where do we need more comfort? Where do we need to really express our truth? Where have we been inauthentic? Where have we been out of alignment? And I literally just read a post before I got on the call where this young woman was saying, ‘these are the words that coaching has ruined for me, and alignment was one of them. And empathy was another that she had said those words have been ruined for her. And I felt immediately I felt sad for her. Because I remember, and I'm gonna sound super ageist and I don't mean it to be an I definitely don't mean to be condescending. But I remember when I was her age, and I had experienced trauma from the online marketing world and from the online coaching space. And those words did trigger me because I did not fully understand what they meant. And this is why I am so passionate about looking up the dictionary definition as well as the origin of the meaning of words. Because now it's like, I look and I think about getting aligned with that inner little girl who's in so much pain. And I have so much empathy and compassion for who I was when I was doing things that made me feel ashamed.
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Well, I want to circle back to something you were you were pointing at. And I want to explicitly point at it and that is self-compassion that you have made that a part of your, it sounds like you know, made it a part of your journaling practice, made it a part of your just your personal growth in general. You know, when people dive into personal development is they beat themselves up when they figure out how much doubt they have, when they figure out how much work they need to do on themselves or makeup how much work they need, you know how much trauma they have, like, oh, I'm such a mess, like will I ever get my shit together, etc, etc. And like you can't, you can't beat yourself up into a better now you can't bully yourself into happiness. So did that self-compassion come easy for you? Or has it been a journey?
No, it did not come easy. For me. It came… Oh, I can't even tell you what it was that? Only maybe I can actually thanks for this question. Because what was it? I mean, maybe it was just two years ago when I got diagnosed with breast cancer that I realized like look, guilt is a very toxic emotion. It's so hard on the body. Anger is a toxic emotion. All of these things. If you look at how emotion affects our health, like our physical health and how it contributes to disease, you will find pages and pages and pages of articles of how these negative emotions break down your actual DNA structure.
And when I got diagnosed with breast cancer, I was already doing this work in the healing path space right? I was already learning how to forgive myself. I was already learning how to have compassion, but being It feels like you're looking down the barrel of a gun on, honestly. At least that's what it felt like for me being diagnosed, right? Because you don't know. And I was diagnosed with the most aggressive form. So I had to, in that moment decide what this diagnosis was going to mean for me. And as I started to look at healing, and how these guilt and shame and anger and fear how toxic they are to the body, I was just like, I'm not going to feel that anymore. But by the way, of course, you still feel those things, but I'm not going to dwell in them, right? I'm not when I see it, instead of trying to suppress it or fight with it, I'm going to embrace it. So everything is what am I missing right now? What do I need? What is the lesson, right? So a lot of people were sending me text messages. And by the way, when you get diagnosed with cancer, everyone messages you to say they're so sorry. And I really, really had a negative reaction to that, because I felt like they were burying me right? Like, oh, so sorry, all over.
I remember, you're talking about that on Facebook and you were like… You're, you're so good at telling people what you want, like how to how to support you.
Yeah, well, that's a learned behavior. Because for so long, I didn't but then I got sick, right? So it's like, you have to learn how to protect yourself. It's all about survival, right? The brain is hardwired for survival. That's why fear even exists. That's why guilt exists. Did you know that guilt is really there to help you change the patterns that are not serving you? And so change is all about changing the behavior, right? So for me, I was just like, I'm not gonna live like this anymore. This is dumb. It's making me sick. So what is the alternative? I can heal from cancer and not learn a thing and then get sick again, or I can just embrace like, everything is here to teach me something. And it doesn't mean that when fear comes up, or imposter syndrome, or insecurity or doubt, or shame or guilt or whatever, emotion that sort of cripples our ability to take action, don't even think for a second, but I'm like, oh, what's up, fear your back! I missed you, you know? I cry in fact, look, here's a page out of my journal from just five days ago, four days ago, May 21. “I'm so freaking frustrated. I want to quit as social media as this whole online marketing, what's your promise.” Literally, I was so mad the other day. I don't even know what I was mad about.
By the way, just a little quick thing. It's really important that you get your bloodwork done that you test your hormones that you check that your vitamins are not deficient because sometimes those things will create anxiety, will create stress and pressure and you think you're upset about a social media marketing promise. I was like writing sales copy, some marketing, bro. marketing stuff, and it's not guess what it was. My vitamin D was low. I got a vitamin D shot. I was like, this great. Life is good. You know, I got a Myers cocktail. Because I was low on vitamins. I got a Myers cocktail and vitamin D shot. And I was on top of the world again, right? But here I was I wrote it in my journal. I cried like the ugly cry. And then you know what I did? I sent a text message to two trusted friends. And I said, can I lean a gentle vent on you? I need help. I need support. I'm in a spiral. What if you just admitted that you're in a freaking spiral and you need some freaking help? Like I am over o-v-e-r the facade, the fakeness in this online world. This is why people are getting sick. Because we're not talking about the fact that I am over here breaking pens and ripping pages out of my journal. so pissed off, cannot given ourselves permission. I mean, I'm done for now. who needed that? Who needed that?
Oh my god. Oh, buddy. I love this last little bit. Partly because like I've known you for a minute like I've known you for several years now. And I feel like and correct me if I'm wrong. Like I may not be right here. I feel like oh, I don't know if it was a combination of you know, you turning 40 and being diagnosed with breast cancer. Like it seems like you are officially like out of fucks like so.
You know what's so funny though? This has been brewing my friend Andrea Bolin said this to me. I want to say this maybe three or four years ago. She's saying
People need to follow her on social.
Aandra Bohlan is fantastic. As a woman, as a sales coach, as a friend, I can't speak highly enough of her. But anyway, so we were talking and I was like, I just give zero F’s. I'm done. And then she said, well, that's not true, Rachel, you actually do give deep F’s, right? That's what she said. And the reality is like, I give zero F's about who I offend.
Things that don't matter.
Right. In terms of like, if my truth offends you, I'm sorry that my truth offends you. I'm open for a dialogue. But my truth is my truth. And I'm open to seeing your perspective. I'm even open to maybe amending my truth, I reserve the right to change my mind at any time. I was I'm open to thoughtful feed, right. That's what I, yeah, that's a great thing. But I do care deeply about other people finding their path. I care deeply about that. I care deeply about helping other people speak their truth. Right? There's a question on my board here. Many people have asked me this question in one way or another, but I always write it down. Because this is what I'm always thinking is, how do I help them solve this? How do I do and say what I want without hurting or losing people? And the reality is that we are going to lose people. Yeah, we are going to lose them. But I want to help you feel good, saying and doing what you want, and losing people if that's what should happen. So I give no fucks and I give many deep fucks. It all depends on the day and the moment.
Yeah. That's what I wrote about and How To Stop Feeling Like Shit. Like, it's really about figuring out who the people are and what like the causes are, that you care that you care a lot about. Like I always say, like, have a medium amount of fucks. And do right people and causes and things like that. Yeah, it just sounds like you are super clear on on what that is.
And that was another question I was going to ask you about, about asking for support. And it sounds like you have a core group of people that you can lean on. And I see that all the time. I give that advice out and like have one to one to three ideally have like these close people. My friend Amy and I, we message each other on the Voxer app, and we're like, I need to tell you all the things I'm mad at. And it's just like a sometimes a five-minute-long diatribe of mundane dumb things. I started my period and I ruined my favorite underwear. And I don't want to try to bleach it out, because I'm lazy. Just stupid things like that. And some bigger things too, about like what's going on in the world. And sometimes there are tears, and sometimes there's just frustrations. But when really big stuff comes up, you can turn to that person. You know, one of the chapters I write in and Make Some Noise ‘Stop Acting Like the Lonely Only’ like we romanticize hyper independence. Were you ever like that?
Yeah, of course. I was totally like that, because my fear was, if I don't look like I have it all together, if I am not strong 24-7, people will stop coming to me, they won't need me, they'll think I'm not the real deal. It’s gonna hurt me to not be everything to everyone all the time, and only strong in front of everybody. And actually, this ended up causing a lot of problems with my husband, because because I was so strong in front of everybody, I was having a bunch of meltdowns in the house. And I was constantly breaking down in my own home because I couldn't do it anywhere else, right? And I remember he said to me, and oh my gosh, this hurt my soul, it felt like he punched me might as well have just punched me in the stomach really. He said, ‘I feel like you're so good at helping everyone else, but you can't even help yourself and if only people could see how you really are behind closed doors’. And I just thought like, that's my biggest fear. That's my biggest fear that people will see me broken down and will think that I can't help them because I'm having a moment of weakness, but the reality is that we are here to help each other. So the same way that I can be… Listen, I am a fantastic coach. No one will ever be able to tell me otherwise because I love what I do. I care so much about my clients like I'm brilliant at what I do. And also I need brilliant coaches to help me work through my own stuff.
Mm hmm. No one's immune.
We need each other. No one is immune.
What happened after you had that conversation with him? Did you punch him in the face?
No, after that happened, it wasn't overnight, it actually probably took maybe like another good year of me trying to figure out what his words meant to me and how I was going to whether I was going to accept or reject them. And then finally, I was working on finding my own voice. So here's the thing. I've always been outspoken for other people, I'm like, I'll take up a picket fence, I'll get into fights for other people. But I never really was out there like fighting for myself. Championing for me, I was always…
Even in my business, right that my first six figures that I made in business wasn't selling my own stuff. It was me hyping up other people and being an affiliate, right. So I'm the ultimate hype woman, for other people. But I wasn't a hype woman for myself. And so I'm so grateful that my husband, my husband has said a lot of dumb things over the years. But all of them have led me to a new level of growth. And so I'm really grateful for his candor, and his willingness to give himself permission to offend me, right. And that's what I'm all about, like permission to offend. It took about a year for me to find my own voice and advocate for myself. And then I went, and I told him, look, you're right. I do break down at home. But I need this to be a safe place for me to break down at home. Right? Other people are leaning on me, I need to be able to lean on you. And let me know if that's not going to be okay right?
Let me know now.
Let me know now. And it opens up so many more conversations for he and I. And so there are some things that my husband is available to support me on and there are other things where like, absolutely not, he's going to be good for nothing. And I wanted to bring that point to what you said about having like one or two friends, I actually have a ton of friends and they're all in different categories. And yes, and I don't vent to the same people all the time. Right? Because you also don't want to fatigue your core. So it's like, I know, if I have like a business…
You ration them…
I ration my vents. I ration them. Yeah. Because I think it's more because I have so much empathy and compassion for coaches out there who we are the dumping ground, right?
Like a lot of times.
We are the coat, we are the collection pile, we hold the space for everybody else apartments, and we are the complaint department. So I because I'm in that space of like constantly getting so much I know how how weighty that feels. And not all of my friends are coaches so they don't have the training that I have to be able to like compartmentalize or to release or manage it right. So I have like my my business-ranting friends, I have my personal-ranting friends, I have like my mom friends, but I, I would never talk business with my mom friends. Like they don't know, you know what I mean? So it's like it's knowing your lane.
And then also knowing that you might be the strong friend for someone, but that person is not your strong friend. Right? So I had this one friend who, if her world is falling apart, I am the 911 call. And I'm good because I'm good in crisis. I'm a former Marine. I actually was working on a master's degree in crisis management.
I didn't know that about you.
Yeah, Boston University. It's a very, very morbid topic yet because you have to plan for every worst-case scenario. I yeah, I don't like it. But I'm trained in it. Right. So crisis happens. She calls me I'm there. It's no problem. I can go about my day. I had a crisis. I had a couple crisis. And I tried things like, hey, this is happening. And her response was like, Oh, geez, dude, that sucks, praying for you. Anyway, I remember looking at for like, what? And so I realize, no, but here's the thing, right? I realize I can't go to her for that. But if I need a creative, something. If I need a girl's getaway, if I need someone to get on a plane with me, in five minutes notice like, that's the friends that's good, adventurous, fun friend. And so it's just like knowing who's in your life and how to really build up those relationships so you know who to turn to when you need them and learning how to express what you need. And setting those boundaries.
I want to I want to tag on to that very last thing that you just said because I wonder if there's people listening to this and saying, like, I don't have the person that I can call in a crisis. And here's my advice. Look at look at the circle of friends that you have and see if anyone has potential, and then have that difficult conversation. I talked about this in one of my keynotes about how we don't come with owner's manuals, like our car does, like that would be so much easier just to hand it over and say like, this is how Rachel loves to be loved. Here's how you can best support. We have to tell people, you know, we have to tell our romantic partners, our friends, and it's a very select few people. And I have someone I had someone close in my life. And I came to her with a crisis. And then it was a bad crisis too like on the floor fetal position crisis. And then I realized a few minutes later that she was so upset for me that I was taking care of her. And I'm like, wait a minute.
That happened to me when I got the cancer diagnosis. I remember I planned a call from my sister and she was like, I can't believe you didn't tell me right away. You know, I'm so mad at you. You needed to do this because now I feel this way. I'm like, and I told her I said then this is why I didn't tell you because I don't have the energy to manage how you feel about what's happening to me
It’s not about her.
Yeah, God bless her. She's, yeah, I mean, I love her. I love it, though.
I have I have so been, let's make it about me person. Like, I have weaned selfish over here. Like it is something that I have worked on. Like That is my, in the 12 step programs. They call those character defects and minor selfishness and entitlement. So I have to watch myself.
Oh, me, too.
I blame it on being an only child like I was I was an only child of my parents. I have half siblings that are much older than me. So I blame that.
Well, what's my excuse? Because I had, I had someone there. But but you know what I've had to learn how to train myself. When someone is talking about something, even if like I have a relatable experience, I've had to learn how to train myself to just let them share, and then just remark on what they shared, and not insert my story and, and that relatability factor hard. Look, your face is saying it's you know how hard it is? Or your face was saying it was like it's so hard.
That's a trait of ADHD. Yes, I forget, like what is happening in the ADHD brain to where it's not really it's not really a character defect. And I really hate that term of being selfish and not listening. It's it's something else. I mean, I'm not saying like, use that as an excuse. Like we do better listening skills, and being able to communicate in a healthy reciprocal way. But I have
a tattoo that says and I will listen. I will but this this tattoo means so much to me. But it's interesting. It has so many triple quadruple entendres then then the original meaning of why I gotta tell you, yeah.
Oh my gosh. Okay, I have one more question for you before we before we wrap it up. So talk to us about resilience. How do you define resilience and how do you practice it in your life?
Did you know I wrote a book almost 10 years ago called Successful People are Full of CRAP: Courage, Resilience, Authenticity, Perseverence?
Rs that the ‘R’?
That was the ‘R’, resilience.
I did not know that. I remember that book. Okay, so so has well let me ask you this then has your definition of it evolved since it's been an entire decade?
Um, well, to be honest with you, I have not read that book in an entire decade. So who knows what it said I remember what I read. I know that I do know for sure that there is a part in the book that says like fake it till you make it and I cringe that those words ever came out of me.
So a lot of things I wrote to, I mean, I think a lot of people we just grow and change.
Yeah, we do grow and change. Okay, but resilience. I'm pretty sure that my definition has not changed but whatever. What it means to me today is knowing and believing that you can just get back up right like you can start over any second of the day. You don't have to wait till Monday, you don't have to wait till New Year's. It is just truly picking yourself up dusting yourself off taking the lessons from whatever failure a fall setback and bringing it forward with you that we are capable of being resilient if we allow ourselves that gift.
if we allow ourselves that gift. I think that's the key is is permission to know that we are we are hard I love how Brené Brown says we are hard wired for struggle. I don't like it. I don't like that we are but I remember when I went through the worst time in my life, you know, going through my divorce getting conned and my friends, I remember the feeling of discomfort in the room, like they didn't know what to say they didn't know what to do. And so many people said to me, I didn't know how to take this, ‘they said, I don't know if I would have been able to go through what you went throught. And I'm like, what is that mean? Like, do you think that you would have spontaneously combusted? Do you think you would have taken your own life? Like, do you? Like what? I don't I don't understand that.
And I tried to put myself in that scenario. Like when I ever say that to someone, and I think that they they met it more, they meant it more metaphorically. Like it was just so incredibly difficult. And my response was always, you know, what choice did I have? Like, I had to wake up every morning and that was my reality. And for the first month or so it was like, you know, that like Twilight phase of waking up, and you're like, fuck, you're stretching and then you and then you realize, like, the position you are in your life. And you're like, this is I'm not waking up in a different dimension, or a different life yet. And it's just, I have no choice. Every hour passed
But you did have a choice.
To me I didn’t.
I know. That’s what they meant, right? Of course, you would feel that way. Like I have no choice I have to get on because you're resilient because you are a survivor. I don't believe that everyone is built to survive. And I don't believe that everyone is…
Tell me more about that.
No, I don't. I mean, if everyone was built to survive, we wouldn't have the amount of suicide rates that we have. Right? Like, I think that we can be trained to survive. But again, you have to be put in the environment where you have the support, you have the feedback, you have the training, you have the reprogramming and some people don't get that or some people get it too late in life. So you're you, you are I mean, you can just see it right? Your soul is that of someone who is going to make it no matter what. But that's because you've already at some internal level made that decision. Other people have never even had to battle with the decision, right? They've never even had to make that choice. So they don't even know how they would make it right? But if you've gone through trauma, you know, like, Okay, I have a choice here. I'm either going to get up and do something I'm going to possibly die. Yeah, in this poll well, and
Well, and I also think we have a major mental health crisis in this country and beyond. I think that so many people really were meant to survive. And I think that they just have been anyway, that's another conversation. But I think that part of my point in telling that story, is that it I felt like I felt almost that it was a little bit shaming, but not not that they were shaming me, but like, I felt like yeah, I did, I got up every day and felt humiliated as to where I was, and had people telling me like, you shouldn't feel this way. And bla bla bla bla bla, and it was like…
I think also, that the reason that I felt uncomfortable when people said it is because like you said, they couldn't fathom going through something like that, and they didn't want it. And it felt a little bit like you stay over there with your mess of a life. And I'm a stay over here because I might, I'm afraid you're a little contagious. And I don't want to ever go through. I don't ever want to face what you are facing right now is too difficult. I don't know how I would do it. That's how I internalized what they were saying to me. I don't think they meant it that way.
didn't internalize it a little bit when you said it. Because I've said things similar to people who've been in situations difficult. I always have meant it as like, you are so strong. I am so impressed and inspired by your strength through this. I can't imagine how you did that.
I find that so triggering. And my best friend the one I come to like when things fall apart, knows not to say that to me for a few different reasons. But as someone who was always praised for being strong, and like you had a you had a rough go growing up. So I were told growing up.
Yes, I've been told that all the short time and and that's why it's so hard to then be vulnerable and to be weak because you're the strong one.
I had the same experience.
Let me ask you this. What should we say? How do we acknowledge our reverence and admiration for all that you've been through?
I would have loved if during that time, if someone would have looked me in the face and said I don't know this for sure because I've never been through what you're going through but it sounds like you're an incredible amount of pain. And I'm so sorry that you have to go through this,
you wanted empathy, not sympathy,
I wanted someone to meet me where I was and just see me for how difficult it was instead of praising me for going through it, because I didn't feel like I was I was any further, you know, maybe now that it's been, what, 15 years, it doesn't bother me as much when someone says like, you were so strong for going through that. And it just because I think I've been through so much therapy, I have so much between it. But at the time, it made me want to punch somebody in the face, because I didn't feel like I had a choice. And it's like, you don't see the terror that I have inside of, you know, being 31 years old. All I wanted to do was like settle down and have kids like my biological clock was like slamming me in the face. And you know, my husband had like, gone off and had kids was somebody else. That agony.
All people saw what was on the surface was why I was getting up every day putting makeup on my face go into work, like going out with my friends, because I was in survival mode. And they took that as strength and and I was on the inside going, y'all I am struggling, that doesn't even begin to tell you what I am going through. That's what I wanted someone to acknowledge. Because that's how I built resilience. I didn't have it yet. I hadn't gone through it. I did not mean to go off on this tangent.
No, I love that. And I see you. And I'm really grateful that you share that with me. Because we never know what might thing might come at us. And now I have a new tool as your friend to be able to support you and to just look at you and say like, girl, I see you. He I can't even imagine.
It has given me a new level of empathy for people. You know, I have a friend who's going through a terrible time with with one of her children, and then her child's mental health. And I can pause and hold her feelings with reverence and witness the darkness that’s happening. And it is deeply uncomfortable for me because I want to fix it. I want to tell her how strong she is, and that they're going to get through it. Which is all true, right? But when someone is in the weeds…
I get that I just, just let me be in the weeds. Just say you're with me. Who said it? They said like, you know, you're either at the top of the hole and they're in there and saying, like, you can get out you got this or you're in a you're like in the hole too. And you're with and it's just like, be in the hole with me.
Yeah. Yeah, I don't need you to get so deep into where I need to take care of, or where we're both stuck in it. I just need you to see me in it. It's it's a skill, like that kind of empathy is a skill. And I don't mean to blame and shame people who did their best to show up for me like it was something that none of my friend circle had experience. Yeah. So I get it. Like I wouldn't have known how to act either. I wouldn't have known what to say either. But I hope that in retrospect, I can help people who both are in a difficult situation or have a good friend or family member who's in that difficult situation. Because on the other side is resilience.
Yeah, I agree. I feel like you should make that a carousel on Instagram of like, here's how to be in here's how to observe someone in a hole or something like that and just keep sharing that star story often. And then we need to share it out so that we can all learn like, hey, this is another way. And then here's where I really believe we all get to even take it up a notch and take it to the next level is I see that you are in some sort of a crisis, how do you need me to show up for you? Or, us in a crisis saying like, okay, I know that here are all the tools, this is how I need you to be, which is what I did right? When I once I started getting all those I’m so sorry’s, I was like, I'm not available for this. And so whenever anyone would send me a message to say I'm sorry, I would just forward them that post and say like, these are my guidelines. These are my rules of engagement.
Rules of engagement with my breast cancer diagnosis, right?
Here's the PDF and follow it to a tee or unfollow and get out.
Or you won't get a text message back.
Oh, good luck with that in the first place.
We're both bad at that sometimes. I think it's so and I want to add this. I want to add this on to about asking for what you want. And then also asking people like how can I support you? If someone says I have some suggestions, do you want to hear it? Be brave enough to say No, thank you. Yeah, because a lot of us are people pleasers. And we'll say yes, even though we just want wanna be witness? Even though, so my best friend, we do this and sometimes, like all tell her about an argument or disagreement I have with my husband and I'm venting. And she'll listen. And then she'll take, I always know when it's coming. She'll take a deep breath, and she'll say, I have some thoughts. And I know that's code for. You're also in the wrong, Andrea. And I'm about to point it out. And I said, No, I don't want it. Yeah. 24 hours,
My best friend. And I always say, what kind of friend Do you need me to be right now?
Yeah, that's another one. That's good.
And it's like it’s someday,it's team me, team me all the way you are on my side. I don't care if I'm wrong, you better be in it out your fiery torch. Right. And that's, and I love it, because as soon as either one of us, we just go in the petty meter goes up to 1000. Yeah. And, and you know, and then other days, like, no, you can, you know, be real best friend. And then real best friend will come in and say, Well, you know, wait a minute now from you know, from what I'm hearing. So we are all evolving and growing. And this is where just having that confident conversation comes into play. This is where allowing yourself to make some noise like, helps us get to that next level of, of understanding and growth with each other. Can't wait for your book.
I just love you. I'm also gonna post the link. I know you might have been on at least once and then in that episode, you talk about your background for people to get some more context. And then let's also tell people where to follow you on social media because you have a book coming out in the spring.
I do. It's called Permission to Offend. Here's the little…
That’s so beautiful. Did you print that out? For people that are just listening to this, it's on, we're on video here too.
I did. I printed it out. I have a manuscript. I read it out loud, to make sure that it sounds right and that there were no little things and I've gone and I do the work myself like I've exercises in it. And I do the work myself. Well, because I have to make sure and it's a good thing I did because I noticed in one of them I was like wait a second. I don't feel good right now. Like I was in it. And I was like, oh, and then I just jumped off to the next topic. I was like how dare I leave my reader in this dark call like hole, let's fix this.
It's Permission to Offend, what's the subtitle again?
That's still. we're still working subtitle.
Okay, a working subtitle.
Subtitle. I don't even want to subtitle. It should be Permission to Offend read the book, read the book and you'll see what I mean.
I wanted How To Stop Feeling Like Shit subtitle to be I wanted it to be How To Stop Feeling Like Shit: a guide book for women. They didn't like that. But no, that's the part of traditional publishing. They want to tell you exactly what the book is. That's what a subtitle is.
Yes, I had a subtitle, Michelle didn't like any of my subtitles. And so yeah, yeah, so, she gave me something and I don't even know what it is, but whatever. But you can find me on Instagram @GirlConfidence. You can also listen to my podcast and subscribe to my podcast also called Permission to Offend. And you can join my journaling program MyFaithActivated.com
MyFaithActivated.com and @GirlConfident on Instagram. Those links will be in the show notes. And of course we'll have Rachel back on when her book is coming out and everyone whether you are watching this on YouTube or listening to the audio as for usual, thank you so much. And remember everyone, it's our life journey to what is my sign off. It's our life's journey to make ourselves better humans and our life's responsibility to make the world a better place. That's what it is. Thanks, everyone. See you next time.