We are continuing down our path answering the question, how do we heal. My friend, Sherianna Boyle is back on the show, this time to talk about emotions. We can’t have a theme around healing without talking specifically about our emotions, because they are so important to the healing process.
Sherianna is the author of ten books including her latest Emotional Detox Now: 135 Self-Guided Practices to Renew Your Mind, Heart & Spirit. In this episode, we discuss the power of cleansing our emotions in order to get to a place of healing. Sherianna also offers her insight on the benefits of cleansing practices and how they can transform your attitude, focus, and energy.
You’ll hear:
- What it means to cleanse challenging feelings and emotions. (5:48)
- The difference between a feeling and a reaction to a feeling. (8:07)
- The seven-step practice of emotional detox using the acronym CLEANSE. (18:51)
- The benefits of a cleansing practice. (20:27)
- How emotions can support a great life right now. (31:47)
- Tell-tale signs you may be numbing out or avoiding your feelings. (33:51)
Resources mentioned in this episode:
Minisode: Do we ever truly heal?
Registration is open for The Daring Way Retreat in May 2022!
Registration is open for The Recovery Retreat in September 2022!
Sherianna’s website
Sherianna’s books
Episode 350: Emotional Cleansing with Sherianna Boyle
Sherianna Boyle is the author of ten books including her latest Emotional Detox Now: 135 Self-Guided Practices to Renew Your Mind, Heart & Spirit. She is an adjunct Psychology Professor, founder of the Cleanse Method®, Emotional Detox Now Community, Cleanse Yoga,® and Emotional Detox Coaching.® She has been featured in over eighty-five articles and her book, The Four Gifts of Anxiety was endorsed by The National Association of Mental Health. Sherianna is the host of the Emotional Detox Now Podcast and founder of the Do Less, Feel More movement on emotionaldetoxnow.com
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SHOW TRANSCRIPT
Sherianna 00:00
Get curious about that. And that curiosity is where discovery is, that self-discovery and self growth. And you get to really expand in a way that I don't think you would have gotten the chance to do without emotions, you can't expand.
Andrea 00:19
You're listening to Make Some Noise Podcast episode number 429 with guest Sherianna Boyle.
Welcome to Make Some Noise Podcast, your guide for strategies, tools and insights to empower yourself. I'm your host, Andrea Owen, global speaker, entrepreneur, life coach since 2007, and author of three books that have been translated into 18 languages and are available in 22 countries. Each week, I'll bring you a guest or a lesson that will help you maximize unshakable confidence, master resilience and make some noise in your life. You ready? Let's go.
Hello, everyone, welcome to another episode of the podcast. I am so glad that you are here. We are continuing down our path of trying to answer the question. How do we heal? How do we heal I've had a lot of therapists on and experts and my friend Sherianna is back today to talk about emotions, which I feel like we can't have a theme around healing without talking specifically about our emotions, because it's so important in the entire process of healing. Am I right?
I hope you enjoyed the minisode that I released on Friday, talking about my opinion of do we ever truly heal? Is it a lifelong thing? Do we get to a point in the journey, a destination of when we really feel like we're healed? I'm trying to keep those minisodes around 10 or 15 minutes. That was my second one that I've put out, those are going to come out the first and third Friday of every month.
And speaking of emotions, if you are interested in either of my two Daring Way retreats, Daring Way, is the methodology that I'm trained and certified in based on the research of Dr. Brené. Brown. And I haven't had a retreat for a couple years, for obvious reasons, which shall go unnamed. But the last time I had them, I had a couple, I believe a 2018 or 2019, and they're just amazing. We go to a huge house in North Carolina in Ashville. And we just kind of snuggle up together. I mean, not really literally snuggling up, but everybody gets their cozy comfy clothes on and blankets in their socks with their coffee or tea and we sit around the living room and I facilitate the Daring Way, which is a methodology all around shame resilience. If I'm going to be super specific, it's around shame resilience, but it's also around the themes of courage, connection, trust, and learning the steps of shame resilience, that's what you're going to walk away with. So if you're interested in either a recovery retreat, I'm going to have a retreat in September that is recovery-based, and a non-recovery retreat, and that one's coming up in May. So that recovery retreat is at AndreaOwen.com/recovery-retreat and the other one that's in May is that AndreaOwen.com/retreat. If you go to those pages, hopefully there's some spots left open if one or both of them is sold out there will be a sign up so you can be put on the waitlist just in case somebody has to cancel you can you can still come. Or you will be notified right away when I opened doors on my next retreat.
Alright, let's jump into the episode. Sherianna has been on the show, I think twice before and we will definitely put those links in the show notes because I know you're gonna love her and what she has to talk about. But for those of you that don't know her, let me tell you a little bit about her. Sherianna Boyle is the author of 10 books, including her latest Emotional Detox Now: 135 Self-Guided Practices To Renew Your Mind, Heart and Spirit. She is an adjunct psychology professor. I was having a hard word with that adjunct. Adjunct psychology professor. She's the founder of The Cleanse Method, Emotional Detox Now community, Cleanser Yoga and Emotional Detox Coaching. She has been featured in over 85 articles and her book The Four Gifts of Anxiety was endorsed by the National Association of Mental Health. Sherianna is the host of The Emotional Detox Now Podcast and founder of the Do Less Feel More Movement on EmotionalDetoxNow.com. So without further ado, here is Sherianna.
Sherianna, welcome I'm back.
Sherianna 05:01
Thanks for having me. So good to be here.
Andrea 05:03
I was just kind of teasing you before we started recording like you are just the book writing machine. And I am, I think I'm excited about this book because I feel like so many people love bite sized nuggets of help and wisdom. And that's what this book is now, right? Like the Emotional Detox Now: 135 Self-Guided Practices To Renew Your Mind, Heart and Spirit.
Sherianna 05:29
Yes, they are bite sized, what I call cleanses, which is the acronym for the seven steps of an emotional detox. So I wrote 135. So when they when you refer to practice, it's a practice that I developed. And I put it in the acronym of CLEANSE, and there's 135 of them.
Andrea 05:48
Oh, my Gosh. Okay, so before we before we dive into the ‘how’ of emotional detoxing, can you like, let's start from the beginning and can you explain what it means to cleanse challenging feelings and emotions?
Sherianna 06:02
Yes. So you're absolutely right if you're thinking that we're used to physical cleanses, right? We're used to, we're getting rid of all the bacteria in our bodies. And nobody really looks forward to that. And I'm not sure how many people look forward to an emotional cleanse either, Andrea. I think we all inside, we know we need it but we're not sure if we really want it, right, because so many people associate feeling with pain or hardship, or we're going to have to go through like years of therapy and that's just not it at all. So I just want to if anyone's feeling or thinking that way. It doesn't need to be that way. That's what at least what I discovered.
And so what we're cleansing are the reactions. The ways that we suppress what we feel, and we all have them. And it's about recognizing, wow, I'm actually not feeling at all, maybe I'm calling this a feeling, like guilt, but is it really a feeling? Or am I reacting to feeling is me saying I feel guilty, a way of suppressing the emotion of guilt, and I'm gonna challenge everyone to consider that it might actually be a reaction and not a feeling.
Andrea 07:25
Okay, wait a minute, wait a minute. I don't think we talked about this the last time you were on the show. So I know that guilt is a really big one for my listeners, especially for moms who feel guilty kind of all the time. And then for the women who are child free, they might feel guilty about, you know, not taking care of certain people enough, or not getting as much work done at their job that they said they were going to do like etc, etc. Or I hear a lot of child free women say that they feel guilty for not showing up for their friends enough that they need to be more for their friends, even though they're kind of spreading themselves too thin. So can you explain that the difference between the feeling and then the reaction to the feeling?
Sherianna 08:07
Sure. So a reaction is a trigger and a reaction is how you make the uncomfortable comfortable. That's how I define it. And Emotional Detox, the core book, this is the third book of the Emotional Detox series. So it's how we make the uncomfortable, comfortable. And a lot of times we do that is through stories, such as the ones you just said. I feel like I'm not there for my friends, I feel guilty for not being there for my kids. Those are stories and narratives that we tell ourselves would actually which actually prevent us from feeling. So they're a management system.
Andrea 08:44
I think, well, I'm thinking of my own life and thinking of I'm trying to, like give an example. So I can like kind of parse this out, or they find this so interesting. Yeah. So I don't feel like I don't feel like this isn't quite as much anymore. But still it pops up. I feel guilty for being a working mother. That's kind of like the meta of it. And on a smaller scale, I feel guilty for traveling for speaking events or conferences, or attending conferences. I feel guilty for digitated. So the story that I make up is that I should be home all the time in case my children need me, that I should, there's still a part of me that that says like, I should have stayed a stay at home parent and that way, you know, I'm just there all the time. Like that's what I want my kids to remember as they get older. So are you saying that, that the feeling is actually my reaction to that particular story? How is that different than guilt though? I think that's where I'm confused.
Sherianna 09:40
Okay. Do you want to know what I'm picking up? So what I'm picking up is that is your way of telling yourself you feel guilty and having all those narratives running. I'm picking up that's the way you manage anxiety.
Andrea 09:58
Okay, I manage anxiety in all kind of different ways so I believe you.
Sherianna 10:03
And I'm sure there's ways that are, you know, that are productive and counterproductive, whatever it is, but I'm just sensing and feeling that that what I felt is, that's your way of managing the anxiety. Let's face it. It's there's a lot of anxiety around travel, especially for women, especially for moms, because we have to, we have to work so hard to leave. And then we know we come home and we have to catch up. And we have to wonder, is it being done while I'm gone? Probably not. Maybe it is. I don't know. We have to trust. We have to learn how to trust and surrender and be flexible. There's so much that comes up with travel for women. So we overextend ourselves so we can be able to do those things. I mean, haven't you noticed a difference? There's a big difference when my husband travels, versus when I travel. Wouldn’t you say Andrea?
Andrea 10:55
Totally. And also, as you're saying that I'm also thinking about like our personal safety as we travel alone as women. That's something that's always kind of running in the background.
Sherianna 11:07
Yeah, yeah. And I don't want to stereotype I know, there's plenty of men out there that you know, that are doing the parenting thing as well. But that's just been my personal experience. And so what I'm hearing, just back to your question, is some of that guilt, those guilty conversations are managing the anxiety.
Andrea 11:26
Interesting, okay. And so the detox, let's dovetail off of that same example, the detox does, what? Kind of walk us through it.
Sherianna 11:33
The detox is about really getting clear. And that's where it's not just about the practices that I write about, I give little stories like that, just like your story, you know, how does this look in my life, because we have to be able to relate to it to want to detox it. Everybody can relate to that that guilty feeling and that example that you just gave. So what are you detoxing? Well, you're recognizing that the guilt is a management system, and you're giving yourself permission to detox that, so you can feel. Now if it's anxiety or managing, that tells me there's layers there, right as we all have. So once you once you get clear on that, so if you were to start to detox the narratives, and now we have the anxiety now we're hitting a little closer to the wounds right? Now it's, you know, you might do another cleanse, and you might start to manage anxiety in that way, you know, and what that's like for you. There's a lot that underneath there, Andrea. Sometimes it's a control thing and letting go and really what what's looking to surface in your life is surrender, maybe, perhaps trust. So when you detox you're releasing…
Andrea 12:48
I'm lovers of stopovers like me, I feel like I'm on the phone with like a psychic or something who's like, oh, you're for these, like relatives that I've had, talking about, like trust and letting go are probably the biggest things that I struggle with, which I think is fairly common. Like, I'm definitely not alone there right?
Sherianna 13:09
No, and you know, you're on to me, I do. I have developed, it's funny, I've been cleansing for so long. And I've always been really intuitive. But the more I cleanse, the more I'm able to pick it up really, really quick. It's amazing. The emotions tell a story. That's what I've learned. And when you let up on them, it's like letting a little air out of the balloon, you know? The balloon is blown up really, really tight and perfect. And you just let a little air out and you just soften it up a little bit and, and all of a sudden the emotions start to it's like a story unfolds. And that's our life stories, our history. And so yeah, it's what's looking to, to come up is trust and letting go, you nailed it on the head.
So that's the process and the seven steps kind of guide people along the way. And the good news is, is they don't, you don't have to revisit the stories to get there. Because so often, and believe me, I'm a huge fan of therapy. I think it's, I've been to therapy, I send my kids to therapy in a heartbeat. I think therapists are incredible human beings. So I'm not saying instead of, I, if I could live in an ideal world, it would be just take a moment to cleanse for 10 minutes, and then talk about things because you're going to have a different conversation.
Andrea 14:32
Yes, especially that last part that you said, you know, I feel like personally, I became stuck in my stories and it sort of became my identity. And I had a revelation, actually a few years ago, that part of me was feeling stuck and unwilling to move forward and felt a lot of resistance because I kept asking myself, this was largely unconscious for a little while, who am I without the Stories? I don't know how to be healed. And I'm using like air quotes, because you know, it's an ongoing process. I don't know how to be different. Maybe that's a better word for this. So that was a kind of a knock over the head, but also allowed me just to get curious about that. And ask myself important questions like, well, what if I was okay? If I didn't have this story anymore and it wasn't my identity. What if I was even better on the other side? What if this was the ticket to help me thrive? And so, and then that's sort of where I ended? And now we revisit.
Sherianna 15:37
Sure. And can I tell you what I'm picking up? And you can tell me if I'm correct or wrong? I'm not on it at all. But do you mind?
Andrea 15:44
I'm sure there's people listening who can relate to my stuckness around therapy.
Sherianna 15:48
Okay, I don't hear any of that, what I feel because I get information from feeling, that some of those stories and narratives that you're talking about, the stuck language is how you had, and it served you well, I mean, you have done very well, so it would make sense that it would continue has is one of the ways that you empathize with others. It's a way that you show empathy and that's a beautiful thing. It's just making that connection. That's how I show empathy, right? This, these stories are a way I, I mean their way that you help others, and you empathize with others. But the good news is, I would be really curious, Andrea, if you allowed yourself to detox that if you allowed yourself to cleanse that, it would be really fascinating to see what would open up because you're not just that, right? We're beyond we are infinite beings. We have on limited potential.
Andrea 16:54
Yes, and I don't let me forget to ask you to take off the seven steps because I know it's an acronym for CLEANSE. But first, I want to say, and this is for anyone listening who might be able to relate and just sort of a side note, is that what I also realized, you know, when I had that epiphany of, oh, my gosh, I've been telling the same story over and over again, to different therapists and, and it has become my identity. I think one of the reasons I kept telling it was because I was so desperate, like the younger part of me, my inner child, which was actually my inner teenage self, and the what the young woman in my 20s was so desperate for someone to actually see my pain. And hear me hear me as a human being, because I felt so dehumanized and dismissed in my former relationship that I was in for 13 years. That's what I had to release, and work on forgiving him, and all that stuff. So anyway, just food for thought. No big deal.
Sherianna 17:51
Interesting. No, that's fascinating. And I know you've recently gotten diagnosed with ADHD, right, Andrea? And you know, that diagnosis, just so anyone who relates that, that's a sign of your brilliance. I mean, I people who get diagnosed with that are highly highly intelligent people. I don't know if you know, but I used to be a school psychologist. I was trained… but I used to do all the diagnostic stuff for and oh, my gosh, people who are ADHD are so gifted, and so intelligent and such feeling beings very often, and creators. So just that is just another sign that the universe is saying to you, you have unlimited potential. So if that , I know, you're understanding yourself, and you're learning how to work better with the way that your brain works. But I just wanted to add that in because I feel it's sort of a match for what we're talking about.
Andrea 18:51
Interesting. Okay. I do want to ask you about, you know, for people who have not listened to the last episode that you were you were on here. And by the way, I will link that in the show notes. Can you tell us what CLEANSE stands for, your seven steps?
Sherianna 19:05
So CLEANSE, the first step is Clear Reactivity. So we got to, we got to get in the body, we got to get focused and centered in the body number one. And I give in the book, I probably give more than 50 ways to do that. The second step is the owl, Look Inward and that's where you learn how to identify emotions. And I give examples for how to do that many examples. And then E is called Emit. That came from all of my knowledge about mantras because I wrote a book called Mantras Made Easy and I know how sacred and valuable they are. So there's a mantra there and that emit step. And then the A is Activate, right? So now we're getting into visualization. We're getting into third eye stuff. We're opening up to the possibilities what we can't see. And then the N is Nourish. And I give some strategies for that I've how to, what does that mean? Again, this is 10-minute practice. And then S is Surrender, and you it's easy to surrender because your vibration is so high now from the other steps, you're in the sixth stop. So you're, you're so ready for that. And then E is Ease and that's where you land back into yourself again.
Andrea 20:27
Oh, I love that. I love that so much. And again in that last episode, Sherianna goes more into that. But I want to ask about, okay, so the benefits of a cleansing practice, how can that I know that this is a whopper of a question that you could probably talk about for 45 minutes. But how can that practice transform, you know, someone's attitude, someone's focus, probably, and like someone's day to day energy?
Sherianna 20:55
Well, I'll just give you an example of yesterday. So I cleanse on a platform, I have a cleanse every Wednesday called Cleanse Day Wednesday and there was somebody new in the group never worked with me. I don't even know if she's read in any of my books, honestly. So she went through the CLEANSE. How did it transform? She came in with a resentment about her mother and she left with the awareness of how she's enabling the resentment.
Andrea 21:23
Ooh, interesting. Can you say more about that?
Sherianna 21:27
Yes. So basically, how she's feeding the behavior. She sees her mother is old and helpless. But at the same time, she resents her mom's behavior. So there's like a, there's a little bit of a power struggle there. But she didn't see it, she just wanted to let go of the resentment, but she didn't see her part. So it was a matter of cleansing, the wanting to fix her mom, wanting to change her mom. But at the same time, feeling bad because she's older. So she had to CLEANSE the fixing. She had to go through the seven steps, release the need to fix or change and that landed in the awareness. Now, she asked me at the end. You know, I said, you know, how do you feel? And she was still curious about, well, I'm not really sure. And I said, well, what are you aware of? And she said, well, I'm aware now how I enable and I said, okay, that means you have higher energy. When we have low energy, we don't we're not aware of it. We're a mashed. We can't see it. So she had to make that connection. Okay, by going through a CLEANSE, I have the awareness now, to see my part. And now next time, she's gonna take a little pause before she kind of tries to fix because it's just creating this, this nastiness between the two of them. And that was one CLEANSE. So imagine if she did more.
Andrea 23:00
Yeah, okay. Oh, man, family stuff. That's a big one. I always say any kind of work that you do with your immediate family, you know, parents, siblings, children, is PhD level work. Like you get a doctorate in personal development for doing that type of work. So my question actually is, do you find that a lot of people who do the CLEANSE, is it common for people to see their part in the situation so they can, I don't like this word, but like, so they can kind of take their power back and get a little bit more control over it? Or is it just sometimes that happens?
Sherianna 23:39
I think what I've learned, is they need the stories with it. Like what you do on your podcast, what I'm talking about giving this example of this woman, and that's what I did with the book, I gave a story with each one so that you could…. It's one thing to say to someone, okay, go meditate every day, right? That's a great practice, but it doesn't always wake people up and really help them get all of it. Okay, where am I suppressing what I feel? How am I doing that? How is this showing up in this relationship? So my hope is that through the stories in there, which are based on my clients without their names, or change names, and they get to take, see that as a reflection of what's inside of them. Then of course, when they're one on one or in a group with me, I'm able to dig in deeper than beyond the book. But that's, that's what I've learned.
Andrea 24:45
Okay. And follow up question to that one. What are the most common like maybe the top three to five emotions that you find people come to you for? And I'm also assuming second part of the question, I'm assuming that someone comes with one emotion and it actually ends up being some something else.
Sherianna 25:04
I think usually it's anxiety they show up to me for. Anxiety is probably the biggest thing, or depression
Andrea 25:12
Is that a.k.a fear when you talk when they bring anxiety?
Sherianna 25:17
I think it's everything, I think they're overwhelmed, they feel out of control, it's very often leaks into sadness and depression, it's impacting their health, they're going through a crisis. People relate to me, Andrea, because my core book Emotional Detox was written on my personal crisis and my marriage, you know, practically falling apart. I didn't know if I was going to stay married for about a year. So, you know, I think when they read my story, they know I've been through it, and that helps. But this new book is not about me at all. I'm so happy, it's not about me. I can't tell you how good it feels to not have my, I really, truly wanted it to give the gift of it to everybody else so they could have this.
And so as in terms of your question, what do they come to me most for? Anxiety, what's underneath anxiety, a whole lot of anger, a whole lot of sadness, a whole lot of fear. Unprocessed grief, big time. I'm not just talking on process, loss of a loved one, but loss of self-loss of self-esteem. All of that shame is a big one. You know, they don't know, shame, but it's underneath there. And they're looking to just get that inner strength again. And it's men and women. I'm really happy to say that I don't primarily have women, I have quite a bit of men. I think it's my story because the way that I, you know just like you've honored your ex for the lessons, I really feel that with Emotional Detox, the core book, with my goal was to tell the story without ripping apart the person. And I think for that reason many men feel safe with me. Right? They can show up with all of their mistakes, and it can be horrible. And I've had horrible, horrible… I've heard horrible things that people have done horrible things. And I love them unconditionally. Because I cleanse, and I've been through it. So anyway, they show up with all of that stuff, ugly stuff, that the stuff that you don't want anybody to know about.
Andrea 27:58
Yes. And that's why I was like, so quiet over again, I just like, I show reverence of those of those feelings and emotions that you were taking off. And one of the, another side note, like one of the interesting things that I learned when I was being trained with Brené Browns methodology is she gave us this workbook that has, it was so helpful. It's like a glossary of all the feelings, emotions and experiences that we typically talk about when we do this work. And it was so nice to have them explained. And one of the things you know, because I flipped to anger right away, because that's an emotion that I can access very easily and it she was saying how anger is considered a secondary emotion because typically, not always, but typically, there's feelings underneath that, that were either, you know, socialized to not access, especially for men. It's hurt, that's underneath there, it’s shame that's underneath there, but it manifests as anger. That was one thing that was so helpful to me to be able to sort of pick apart and slow down and look at what's underneath there. And you named a lot of them.
Sherianna 29:11
Yes, yeah. And it's funny because I can be angry and have a smile on my face.
Andrea 29:16
Right? Really? Oh, yeah. If I can do that, only because it's like, I'm plotting.
Sherianna 29:24
I can feel it. I can feel the energy of it without acting on it. And I can literally smile and say, I am so freakin pissed off right now. Like , yeah, because I can feel the inner rumble and allow it to pass, you know, and process it. And so it's not that you're not gonna get angry anymore, you just start to have a different relationship with anchor.
Andrea 29:51
Yes. Okay. Thank you for that clarification.
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So okay, how can emotions support someone to have a better life than they have right now?
Sherianna 31:47
So they can, they'll change everything. I mean, I really believe everything begins there. And it's how can they support it? Well, you convert it. So when you go through the process, think of it like, like food, like baking a cake. It goes through the process, you put in the oven, you get something else, right, it comes out something new. And that's what happens with your emotions when you go through the process, then you get something wonderful in the end, you know? And, and so that it's a feeling, it's wisdom.
So for example, go back to the woman who recognized her part. So what does that do for he? It allows her to have a little bit more compassion towards her mom, it allows her to take things less personally, and empowers her to see that she has choices in the matter. And she gets to get curious about that. And that curiosity is where discovery is that self-discovery and self-growth. And you get to really expand in a way that I don't think you would have gotten the chance to do without emotions. You can't expand. So I think it has everything to do with every single thing in your life.
Andrea 33:08
Oh, I agree. Yeah, same same. I that question, your answer to that question made me think of something that some people might be thinking as they're listening to this, and this would back us way up to the beginning, because I have heard some of the women in my classes or who read my books, say to me something to the effect of how do I know if I'm not feeling my feelings? And they'll say like, I get pissed off about things, I feel happy about things, but I have a feeling there's some things that I haven't dealt with and refuse to feel and I've just gotten really good at pushing, pushing them down, but they're not quite sure. Are there some telltale signs that someone might be kind of checking out and numbing out on some feelings?
Sherianna 33:51
Yes, I think that distractibility is a big one. Distracting yourself on your phone, keeping yourself so busy that you don't have time to feel. Then then of course it will come out but it will come out in ways you do not crazy about so it might come out in your sleep, tossing and turning. It will happen you know, and that's it, your body, your spirit just trying to give you an opportunity and if we ignore him all day long, we make ourselves so exhausted, so busy, it will happen it will come out through inflammation. Somehow your body will make you stop. It might, you might feel a little sick or rundown, you might get sad and just slow down that way but it will happen. So you have a choice. You can either allow this to be sort of a daily practice, which is what I recommend or you can wait until it's escalated. But in terms of signs shutting down, putting walls up is a big one.
You know, I did it for years, Andrea, I was in denial. I was so busy keeping all the balls in the air that I was denying my gut feeling on things. I was feeling and sensing things, and I would talk myself out of it. Or I'd, I would just say to myself, I don't have time for it. I don't care about that. Who gives a crap? I don't care. I don't care. Screw you. I had an attitude. I had an edge. And it was it wasn't warm. And I would say nasty things in my head. About people. Judgmental. And yeah, because I was, I was just denying everything I was feeling. It wasn't that I was mean or a bad person. I was having thoughts that I just can't imagine having now. And it was all, I hate… I’d have so much anger towards my husband. Oh my gosh, I would think thoughts like, I just didn't like him at all. And, and so it was just denial, denial, denial, denial. So we project, right? That's a sign… it's a lot of defense mechanisms, rejection and withdraw and avoid avoidance. And maybe sometimes people turn to alcohol or whatever they do. But I get it. I was there for years. Now I'm not thank god, and life is so much better than it was before. And I have an incredible marriage now. Incredible. And it's like I have a different marriage but I have the same person. All of this just for me. The bulk of it happened through cleansing. And a good therapist.
Andrea 36:44
Okay, so on that same topic, your other side of the coin, what are some signs that someone is healthy emotionally?
Sherianna 36:53
I think, what a good question, Andrea. I think again, you're taking things less personally. You are, you have compassion. You're not just thinking about yourself. Right? You have gratitude. You are taking time to really listen, you know, you're noticing you're not letting things go on. It's not to say you don't miss it and I don't get busy and push things aside. But for the most part, I take time to CLEANSE every day. So I think you have some self-care practices in place. I know that's your theme, self-care. I think that's hugely important to find what works for you, and you're giving some expression. You're recognizing that emotions have need an outlet. You can't just shove them away. Some people like to journal that's big for them. Some people pray, some people go outside, some people do all of the above but you really want to be thinking about how…what does… substitute self-care with self-expression. But not talking, feeling? Feeling. How do I allow the expression of what I feel… What outlet can I provide for myself? You and I are writers. We that's our outlet. Can you imagine not writing Andrea?
Andrea 38:26
No, I didn't for a little over a decade and my life was a fucking mess. Like there's a little bit of a connection.
Sherianna 38:36
Oh, absolutely. And I am too. I mean, it's I have to write. It's for me. It's so important. Not I will I won't I won't feel well people ask me how do you how do you keep writing books because I can't imagine not writing books. It's like toxic to me. That's my outlet. That's where it all comes channeled through. But for someone else it might be dance, it might be cooking, it might be, however you connecting with some people. My husband loves to go out and socialize. That's not my thing. You know? I can do it for a little while, but I got to go write my book. I'm a little less out there. But that's he feels so good from that. That's his he expresses himself through conversations and all of that everybody's different.
Andrea 39:28
That's fascinating you know, I've never asked myself that question and as you were saying that I was sort of contemplating my life in the past you know few decades and how it looks different. And by I am by no means a perfect person and I don't digest and process my emotions perfectly, but I'm worlds away from how I used to be. And for me, what it looked like is a lot of denial. I loved to blame everybody else like that. That's why, I've written about it in two of my books. I was so codependent that I thought that if everybody else just changed and got their shit together, we'd all be happier. It was so much easier for me to point the finger at other people's behaviors than to look at my own. That was terrifying to look at my own. So I was so removed from the situation by just looking at everybody else, like, see what you're doing and see what you're doing and let me try to fix you and let me try to help you and then I'm the hero. But never looking at my own stuff. I had so much resentment because of that. Because nobody was doing what I said. And I resented them for it. And it lived inside of my body and made me rage filled, I was full of rage. And some of it was righteous, but most of it was not most of it was toxic.
And I also used to, and I was just so afraid of my emotions growing up in a family where we actively ignored them. We actively and consciously made fun of them, and push them under the rug in hopes that they would just die go away. As I became an adult, that stayed with me and got even stronger and I took pride in the fact that I did not cry in front of others. I took pride in the fact that I could walk through crisis after crisis after crisis, arm swinging, and just to come out swinging and fight, fight fight. That was, that was what I was in for three decades. And then when everything fell apart, and I started to do the real work, especially around codependency and love addiction, and then getting sober, it was a rude awakening.
And I'll tell you one thing, too, that my therapist recently told me, so this is after years and years of work, and you know, I came to her to do some deep trauma work, she said, because I had like seven or eight sessions with her of just talk therapy, because I had to build the trust with her to be able to like, you know, drop into my body, because that's not, that's not my go to. So she said to me, we were probably only like four or five sessions in and she said, one of your defense mechanisms Andrea is performing in humor. And I knew exactly what she was talking about. Like I, you know, I will tell a story dramatically, and I will, you know, add fun to it and make it funny, because it was a defense mechanism for so long, and it makes me feel better. And I don't think it's always bad. I want to say that. And I'm curious what you think about that, because I feel like we have to have a sense of humor about hard things. Personally, I'll go, I'll go nuts if I if I can at least somewhat laugh at the absurd. The absurdity of people's behaviors, especially my own.
But I could see how she was pointing out that that was a way I hid. I hid, and I also really, really wanted her to like me. I wanted her to not just see me for like the damaged oh my god getting emotional for like the damaged hurt person that I came to her for. Like, of course, she's gonna see all that I'm telling her as a therapist, but I also wanted to shine. That was a huge like, oh, shit. So I think it can be both, I think you can still be who you are, which for me is like that's part of my natural personality. But when pushed too far, at my worst, it's a defense mechanism that I had to learn that it's not always appropriate in all moments of life. Like I had to feel safe and accept that I could feel safe just showing those hurt parts of me. That was one of my biggest takeaways from therapy from last year. And it was hard.
Sherianna 43:44
That's powerful. What I'm hearing you ask me what I thought I you know, humor is important. And like you said, and it can be a sign that you've processed emotions when you're able to laugh. And, you know, the other day, I had a dig on social media, someone dig me.
Andrea 44:05
Kind of roasted you as my kid say.
Sherianna 44:07
Just started laughing because the person was so rude, but it was like there was a part of the person was, and so I just thought to myself, oh, my gosh, this person is cracking me up right now. And I felt the energy of it. And it didn't feel mean or mean spirited. I could feel the person's personality, and I could actually appreciate that. But what I'm picking up with you is humor is great. It could be a sign that you are processing your emotions, as long as it doesn't have an agenda. So when you were saying… humor without an agenda, that's something. Humor with an agenda, that's a reaction.
Andrea 44:52
Mm hmm. Yeah, for sure. And I appreciate her. Her name is Helen. She's retired now but I appreciate her so much for meaning that so lovingly and compassionately from a place of her wanting to see me move past that and grow and that I could… and it was assigned to that I could trust her enough where I didn't have to put up that mask. So it was it was really big.
I want everyone to go out and get Emotional Detox Now, and I'm going to put a well, let's put a link to just your author profile on Amazon so people can see all of your books are all there?
Sherianna 45:26
Yes, of course. Yeah. All the all the Emotional Detox series, because I've got Emotional Detox For Anxiety there. Emotional Detox Now is the one with 135 cleanses. The core Emotional Detox, the white one, that's my story. That so people want to know about that. That's in there. Second one's the anxiety one, third one is the 135 cleanses. Yeah.
Andrea 45:53
Okay, so people are going to have their work cut out for them.
Sherianna 45:56
Yeah, just so that well, a lot of people say which one do I get? You know, that they asked, well, where do I begin? And I think whatever you're drawn to is where you begin. I'm sure you say the same thing about your books. Like you can't favor one, or like one is better than the other. It's where, where do you feel drawn to this? Do you want to know more about the story? Do you want to focus on anxiety? Or are you ready to dive into these cleanses?
Andrea 46:20
Before we close, is there anything else you want to tell anyone that you feel like you missed? Or send people to a particular page about the book?
Sherianna 46:29
Well, I just think that I always say your emotions matter processing the matters more, and that that's my slow, go slow? Slogan. No, there's nowhere in particular I would, there's again, there's 135 of them, and I would just start where you feel comfortable. And yes, you are ready to feel. And that people want to know, you know, they kind of get this story in their head. Am I ready? Am I not? Yes, you are. You're a human being. You have feelings. That's your, your spiritual being. Feeling his spirit. And, and then, you know, the other thing is knowing that these are also the steps for manifesting. So I just want to throw that in there in the last minute that I discovered that after I wrote them, that it's the same formula to manifest. So you cannot manifest without feeling. You can't just put words on a vision board. There's got to be feeling.
Andrea 47:31
Positive affirmation. Yeah, that's why I always say positive affirmations don't work on their own.
Sherianna 47:33
Exactly. So just if the detox doesn't draw you, the manifest part will draw you in.
Andrea 47:46
Oh, okay. We have some we have some powerful manifesters listening. If they're not, if they weren't convinced earlier, they're convinced now, thank you so much for being here, everyone, the transcripts and the show notes, as well as all the links are over on the page for this particular episode. Thank you so much for being here, Sherianna. And for all of you listening, thank you so much for your time, you know that I appreciate so much that you spend it with my guests and me. And remember, it's our life's journey to make ourselves better humans and our life's responsibility to make the world a better place. Bye for now.
Hi there, swinging back by to say one more thing. You know, I'm always giving advice over here on the show and on social media. And a couple of those things is that I'm always telling you to ask for what you want, be clear about it, and also ask for help. So I am taking a dose of my own medicine and I'm going to do that right now. It would be the absolute best and mean the world to me. If you reviewed and subscribed to this show, Make Some Noise Podcast on whatever podcast platform of your choice. And even more importantly, it would matter so much if you shared this show. Sharing the show is one of the few ways the podcast can grow. And that also gives more women an opportunity to make some noise in their lives. You can do that by taking a screenshot when you're listening on your phone and sharing it in your Instagram or Facebook stories. If you're on Instagram you can tag me @HeyAndreaOwen and I try my best to always re-share those and give you a quick thank you DM and also you can tell your friends and family about it. Tell them what you learned. Tell them a really awesome guest that you found on the show that you started following. Whatever it is I appreciate so much you sharing about this show.