Giselle Owen, mascot of the podcast, lover of her Dirty Baby and popcorn, my right-hand girl, my soul dog passed away peacefully in my arms on Wednesday, February 16th. Part of this episode is a tribute to her.
I open the podcast with a little follow-up to episode 432– the episode on humiliation with Amy Smith. I had the biggest vulnerability hangover after airing that show, I couldn’t believe I released an episode that had me break down in tears for y’all to hear. However, that was my fear talking, saying I should pull the episode, and I could see that pretty quickly. In this minisode I give you my thoughts on that.
Lastly, I talk about dogs, a quick history on how we got Giselle, and the epiphany I had the day after she died about one of the reasons people love dogs so much.
Thank you for listening, and thank you to those of you who have watched Giselle over the years on my Instagram stories and who even knew her toys' names! She was such a good dog, and I am in the throes of grief without her. If you would have met her, she would have LOVED you. She loved people, a lot more than she cared about other dogs.
And to anyone who’s lost a pet they loved dearly, I see you.
Resources mentioned in this episode:
Join me for The Daring Way Retreat Open House! March 29th at 1 pm ET. I'll be going over the curriculum and doing a Q&A.
Episode 432: CASTMWUP: Andrea and Amy on profound humiliation and its impact
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SHOW TRANSCRIPT
Andrea 00:00
You're listening to Make Some Noise Podcast minisode number 434.
Welcome to Make Some Noise Podcast, your guide for strategies, tools and insights to empower yourself. I'm your host, Andrea Owen, global speaker, entrepreneur, life coach since 2007, and author of three books that have been translated into 18 languages and are available in 22 countries. Each week, I'll bring you a guest or a lesson that will help you maximize unshakable confidence, master resilience and make some noise in your life. You ready? Let's go.
Hi, everyone, welcome to another minisode it really do enjoy doing these and I feel like I need to now commit to 20 minutes or less. That's what I can do. I don't I don't feel like I'm super verbose, but apparently, apparently I am. I tend to ramble a little bit. Originally, I said 10 minutes and now I'm like, no, they need to be about 20 minutes. But I do want to make them shorter for you. But before I forget, just real quick, I'm having an open house for anyone who is interested in the Daring Way retreat that I'm having in September. So March 29, one o'clock Eastern time, there's no need to sign up. It's just a link for you to come. So the link will be in the show notes and if you forget how to do that, you can just DM me on Instagram and I can send it to you that way. I'm going to be going over the curriculum a little bit showing you the very first introduction video of the curriculum. It's Brené Brown lecturing, and lecturing. sounds so boring. It's really not boring. I'm going to do Q&A, and also I might have I will probably have one or two people who have been through the curriculum in a group setting who can who can answer some of the questions as well. So March 29, one o'clock Eastern, link is in the show notes to come or you can DM me on Instagram.
Today, I want to talk about two things. Hopefully the first one will be quick. And the second one is maybe a little bit longer. But the first part is, I had the worst vulnerability hangover after episode 4… what was it 432 came out the conversation about shit that matters with unqualified people that I did with Amy Smith. That day, that Wednesday, it came out I had like that just roiling stomach ache and I'm like, oh my god, pull it pull the episode. It's so embarrassing, and raw and naked. But I decided to leave it. And I was thinking about something else, the other morning, I was laying in bed super early in the morning thinking, you know how, like, when you do something really vulnerable, or you say something really vulnerable, maybe not all the time, but I often afterwards, think of all the scenarios that other people are thinking or judging me for. And one of those things, and I was totally doing that about that episode. One of the things was, I was worrying that people were thinking, why does she care so much what other people thought? Like, why did why did she care so much? Totally understandable. I get it. I do talk about how we handle judgment of others. And I've talked about it, I talked about in How To Stop Feeling Like Shit if anyone remembers the one inch square box that, those are the people that you can write their names in that small box, those are the people you should truly care about their opinions and what they think of you, everyone else, it doesn't matter. And that lesson is truly difficult to live in your life.
And I want to say this kind of in my own defense, and also if anyone else is in a similar position, or has felt if you could relate to what I went through and what I was feeling and you hear that voice of ‘why do I care so much what other people think’, I really feel like there is something different about when you go through something so publicly, and you're so profoundly humiliated, a couple of things that I don't think I mentioned in the episode. One is that I could feel people's secondhand shame for me. And it's a weird place to be and when you feel your own stuff, like I felt my own shame and my own humiliation, and then I could feel other people's about my situation. It's awkward. And I had a rumble with that.
And then the other thing is, I had never experienced something like that. Where the amount of people that knew my business and knew what had happened, the amount of people it was far and wide. It was a lot of people, we had a lot of friends. My ex-husband’s family was huge, and very close. There were so many people that knew, and also knew a lot of the details, which was even more humiliating. And I just didn't know how to navigate that. Like, how do you navigate something like that when it's thrown at you. And I think that's part of all of the feelings piled on. And part of why I was so impacted when Brené said on that podcast, I can't remember her exact words,but it's in the first part of the audio that I shared in that episode, where she said something like, we're rethinking how we talk about and think about and define humiliation. We've looked at the science and science changes, sometimes we have new data, new state, new studies come out. And I cannot tell you how validated and seen I felt, to hear her talk about that. And really name it, because what I had gone through was not only incredibly dehumanizing when it happened, but it felt like I shouldn't be feeling the way that that I should. So I felt like I was broken. I felt like something was wrong with me. So it's been it's been a ride, y'all, it's been a ride. So I'm going to say about that.
And the second part is, my dog died. And that was fucking terrible. She was old. And if anyone follows my Instagram Stories, you probably saw her a lot. And I still have in my highlights if you I'm @HeyAndreaOwen on Instagram, if you go to my story highlights, there's two different ones dedicated to her one is called my coworker because that's what I used to refer to her as because she was here in my office every day all day. And another highlight is called Dirty Baby because that was her very favorite toy and we actually went through two different Dirty Babies. And I think all of you who DM me when I would make stories about her and she just… she was a very, very good dog. She was a great dog and I not only have never been through a pet death like that. She was my first dog. I grew up with cats, and nothing against cats. Nothing at all against cats. But we had a dog briefly when I was in middle school. But she really was the first dog that I've had as an adult. And also, don't tell my husband or my kids this but she really was my dog. And I think partly because I was home all day. I work from home and we rescued her from a German Shorthaired Pointer rescue when we lived in the state of Utah. It's a breed that my husband grew up with. So he knew he knew them well. She was about four years old and the rescue in Utah, from what I understand what the lady told us was that German shorthaired pointers in the state of Utah are the second highest breed to be euthanized. Only second to black dogs in general in Utah, because Utah is a large hunting state and a lot of people get those dogs and either don't know how to train them to hunt, or for whatever reason, there were a lot of dogs. A lot of German shorthaired pointers and some weimaraner’s in this rescue. It's called Utah's Perfect Pointers. And they're based in Salt Lake City and they were wonderful. The woman that runs it, her name is Marilyn and she was fantastic. And the way that they do it, I don't know if it's this way in all rescues, but she chose a dog for us. We didn't get to choose the dog. And they don't like to allow people to adopt dogs, especially that breed who have children under the age of four. And our daughter was almost four she was three and a half. And she said I usually don't do this, but I'm gonna make an exception because I think I have the perfect dog for you. And that was Giselle.
And again, we don't know exactly how old she was when we rescued her. We think she was about four years old. And then so she was around 12 or 13 when she passed away. She wasn't feeling very well. We took her to the vet and her blood tests came back that she was anemic and they the vet said, I want to do another ultrasound to find out because I have a hunch of that she might have a growth and might have some internal bleeding. So we were like, okay, so we did a drop off appointment, because it's just easier to get together in that way. And my husband to go pick her up and I said, what did the bed say when you picked her up? Because they always just tell us like, what, what they saw what's going on. And he said, she, the vet tech told me that she would call me later. And I was like, that's not good. That's not a good sign. And I knew, and so she called us later. And you know how you can just tell by someone's voice. I don't know if I'm just intuitive that way, but I knew immediately that it was not good. The long and short of it, she had an abdominal growth, there was some internal bleeding. And they could do surgery but she didn't recommend it. It was very invasive. And she said, we're going to open her up and I can almost guarantee you that we're going to see what we already are pretty sure is there and there's going to be nothing we can do about it. And she's going to have a really hard time recovering from that surgery. So our other option is that we bring her in every couple of weeks for a blood test to see where she's at. And then I said, how long do you think she has? And she said, three months? With a question mark at the end of it. And I thought to myself, I think we're gonna be lucky if we get three months.
So it was a week and a half later, she woke up in the morning and was not well at all. And I won't get into the details but I also wanted to mention that there is a wonderful company called Lap of Love. They're in 22 states around the US, I don't know if they're in Canada, but it was founded by a veterinarian in Florida and they mostly do home visits for euthanasia for your pet. And I was on the phone with a vet crying, trying to get an appointment to bring her in because she was in pain and she was disoriented. It was it was not good. And, you know, Giselle didn't really like the vet, it was for sure not her favorite place and I'm like, I wish that they could come here and our vet does do home visits, but it's always at the end of the day, they were down to one vet that day. And she's like, I'm not sure I can come today. So she's like try calling Lap of Love. I had never heard of them before, by some miracle, they had a cancellation that morning, and a wonderful veterinarian named Dr. Kate came to our house within a couple of hours, she was so lovely and, and so calm and so empathetic and walked us through everything. Luckily, my husband was there with me, my children, I had already taken them to school. And she walked us through everything. And it was peaceful and also incredibly brutal. One of the hardest things I've ever had to walk through.
But I wanted to say this. You know, I had never quite understood people's relationships with dogs. And I knew several years into having her that when it was her time to go, that I would not be well. And then my you know, my dad passed away in 2016 and she was there for me. There were many days during that time and then when I went through trauma therapy a couple years ago, where I would get a blanket and my dog and get into the guest bed and, and she was there for me. And so, you know, no one can prepare you. When someone you love dies, whether it's a person or a pet and I think especially when it's your first time because when I tell people she was my first dog, I've never gone through this before, I always get that face of like, oh. And my neighbor, my neighbor who loved Giselle, and they would often watch her when we'd go out of town. She said the first one was the worst. I think she's on like her fifth dog now.
And here's the thing that struck me and I'm gonna leave you with this. That I think anyone who either has a dog or had a dog this was the biggest thing that I realized that it's kind of like we'll duh, I didn't realize it when she was here. But I was having coffee the next morning crying at the kitchen table because her bed, her main bed, she had multiple beds, but her main bed was right there in the kitchen, and I was thinking to myself, she was the only relationship I had in my life that was totally uncomplicated. She never hurt my feelings, she was never passive aggressive or sarcastic at me, she never said anything where I couldn't understand the context or that I had to wonder, I never had to wonder how she was. I never had to wonder how she felt about me, ever. And I think our relationships with humans sometimes they're complicated. Whether it's our children, whether it's our partners, whether it's our friends, our parents, our siblings, our coworkers, literally anyone that we have any kind of relationship with, most of the time, I'm going to venture to say most of the time, it's complicated. And, obviously, to varying degrees. Some of our relationships are a lot less complicated than others. And then that brings us to the whole conversation around boundaries that we've had many times over here on the podcast. But it just was one of those, like, hit me in the head. This is this is why.
One of the many reasons I think the humans have such a strong relationship with dogs is because there's no misunderstandings. There's no disappointments. There's no reading between the lines. It's totally uncomplicated. And so as I record this, eight days, after she passed away, I still feel like somebody came and scooped my insides out. And I've had to pause this podcast four times now. And I also want to say that all of this grief, all of this feeling of emptiness, because she's gone was definitely worth the relationship that I had with her. Okay, had to pause again. I know wherever she is, she is eating popcorn, and eating corndogs and she is endlessly chasing squirrels, rabbits, and cats. Not necessarily in that order. And she's playing with her dirty baby. And she's also with humans, because she was pretty indifferent about other dogs. You know, people say that they like dogs more than humans, Giselle liked humans more than she liked dogs. I don't know, she's maybe she's with my dad, my dad love dogs. And before she died, I asked her to wait for me on the other side. And I don't. I don't know. I'm one of those people that's like, I don't know what the afterlife brings. I don't know. I don't know what happens. But I would like to think that whenever it's my time, that wherever I go, it's going to be some kind of meadow or dirt road or something and she's going to come running. And it definitely won't be raining. She hated the rain.
And I know that some of you probably a lot of you can relate. So I wanted to put that out there in a way to honor my girl and also honor any of you who have walked through the grief of losing a pet and not necessarily a dog a pet. And I would be honored to see pictures of your pet. If you want to DM me on Instagram and let me know that you listen to this podcast episode this minisode and that, you know, I also did a little tribute to her on Instagram. I made a little video, a short little one-minute video of her and this really beautiful poem that I loved. So you can go over and check that out again. I’m @HeyAndreaOwen over there.
Thank you for listening to this. I've made it under 20 minutes. And thank you for walking with me on this journey and seeing me and hearing me and when I first started doing this podcast, I never imagined I was going to be this vulnerable and I thank you for listening and allowing that to be possible and my hope is that it allows you and gives you any permission that you might feel that you need to be that open and maybe feel the feelings that are confusing or overwhelming. And remember, it's our life's journey to make ourselves better humans and our life's responsibility to make the world a better place. And my god, isn't it a better place when there are dogs in it? Bye, everybody.