Love them or not, the Kardashians and their show are an impactful part of pop culture. You probably know they aren’t the most healthy family in terms of their communication. You don’t necessarily think of them when you think of families that talk about their feelings in a way you’d probably want to emulate.
That’s why in today’s minisode, I’m pulling two examples from the same episode on how NOT to communicate.
This episode is for all the people out there who struggle with how to talk to their family, co-workers, friends, and many others. In it, you’ll hear:
- First up, a comment from yours truly on the leaked document from SCOTUS about Roe v. Wade.
- Both Kourtney and Rob hurt Kris’s (their mom) feelings, and what they do in response to hearing about it from her.
- WHY we typically fall short when someone tells us we’ve hurt their feelings.
- Examples on how to “clean up your mess” (aka apologize).
Lastly, if you’re interested in signing up for The Daring Way™ Retreat that's coming up in September but have some questions that aren't answered on the info page you can book a quick call with me to get your questions answered. Simply scroll down to the FAQ’s after reading THIS PAGE and book your call.
You're listening to Make Some Noise Podcast minisode number 451.
Welcome to Make Some Noise Podcast, your guide for strategies, tools and insight to empower yourself. I'm your host, Andrea Owen, global speaker, entrepreneur, life coach since 2007, and author of three books that have been translated into 18 languages and are available in 22 countries. Each week, I'll bring you a guest or a lesson that will help you maximize unshakable confidence, master resilience and make some noise in your life. You ready? Let's go.
Hey, everyone, welcome to another minisode. I am chuckling over here, because this is about the seventh time I've tried to start this episode and keep failing. So this, if I stumble through this, I'm just going to run with it. There's only one many so this month because last month, I didn't realize there was five Fridays, and there ended up being three minisodes. Anyway, we did have a bonus episode this month, which is fun and I am going to actually do a lesson today based on an element of our pop culture.
But before I jump into that, I want to just comment, I have been pretty quiet, if not, like totally quiet on social media lately and it is for no reason other than this puppy is taking over my life, in the most magical way. And I also feel pressure having a platform and a responsibility. Work has just been on the backburner to be honest with you. But I wanted to come over here and just briefly acknowledge what is happening with the leaked document from the Supreme Court. As I'm recording this, what is today, today is May the 11th, nothing has been determined, but I don't know about y'all, but my mental health, you know, the recipe for disaster for my mental health is going on social media and the algorithm knows what, you know, what my views are, etc. And it I think fairly quickly, throws me into like radical activism, Instagram and TikTok. And there was some things that I was saying about how there's some politician in Arizona who's trying to ban condoms, you know, like the banning of birth control on top of women's reproductive rights. I can't. I just can't. So what I'm doing over here, and of course, none of those things have been decided, but it's even the conversation around it just is so troublesome, to say the least. I am, it's on my to do list, my very long to do list. I feel like I'm very behind with work stuff because I have baby, a dog baby. How can I help here? How can I help locally and where can I put my money? Where can I put my time and energy and focus, because if I focus, I take a step back and look up at the wider problem, I tend to get overwhelmed very quickly, and then I get paralyzed. And that's not helping anyone. It's not helping my family, it's not helping you, it's not helping my work, and it's certainly not helping me. So just a bit of transparency as well as I hope that helps because there's plenty of opportunity out there to help locally. There's so many organizations and nonprofits and groups and communities that have boots on the ground, boots on the ground and doing things that help the community and for the record in case it wasn't clear I am staunchly pro-choice. And yeah, hands off our bodies.
Alright, a massive switch in gears. I am going to talk about the Kardashians. I know. Okay. So this was actually a blog post that I had started writing eons ago. I feel like back in 2017 or something that just never got finished. It was a draft. I think feel like this was maybe two episodes, two different Kardashian episodes, probably in the later seasons because the first one was when… No actually this was the same episode. Let me set let me set the stage set the scene. So Kris Jenner, their mom, had purchased I think she either purchased a home or helped Rob her son her only son purchase a home it was when he was either married to or living with Blac Chyna the woman that he has a daughter with and it was this new home and Kris was really excited for Rob and she had hired a friend to decorate. She'd done a couple things, a few, many things for him. So she hired her good friend to decorate the home. And she invited Kourtney to come over and look at the home. And Kourtney comes in and is just criticizing and tearing down the decor of this home. And the decorator, the friend, Kris's friend is there. And it's just incredibly uncomfortable to watch and Kourtney was rude to Kris's friend about the decorating. She's moving decor around just slamming it like this is feminine, why would you even buy this? And it was it was, it was rough to watch. So Kris asks Kourtney about it, and is like, why you're being rude to my friend. I think it was after she had they weren't there anymore. It was like you were rude to my friend. I was embarrassed. Like, why were you being like that. She told Kourtney how she felt Kourtney took zero responsibility, continue to be rude and essentially made it worse.
PS I should have, I should have set this up a little bit better, my apologies, friends. The reason that I'm doing this is because I feel like the Kardashians are such a big part of pop culture and most people at least know who they are. And I don't think that their family dynamic is all that unusual in terms of how they communicate with each other. I didn't come from a really big family, but I was sort of married into one with my first husband. And there was drama. There was drama, there was things that were said that were ugly, and lots of hurt feelings. And when you have no real skills to communicate, and to make things better, that matters. It creates this sort of, I guess it's a culture within the family, and it just can be really shitty. It can be really shitty. And so I wanted to give you these examples, if you might see yourself in any of these characters, and hopefully so you can have some examples of how to communicate better. Maybe so you can, I don't know, forward this to someone, it's like, hey, remember, when this happened, this might have been a better way to handle it, or you the person have handled things poorly, I know I have, and have some examples of like, how to how to apologize, how to clean things up.
Alright, so back to the scene. Kourtney takes no responsibility. She continued to be rude. It is again, this is not an unusual dynamic for them. And she never apologized. Here's how it could have gone. Should I do a dramatic reenactment? No, I'll spare you. Here's how things could have gone to make it better. Kourtney could have heard her mother, she could have said something like, ‘I'm sorry that I was rude to your friend. That wasn't my intention, but it doesn't matter. And I do apologize for it.’ Or better yet, she could have said, ‘you know what, Mom, you're right. I was rude. I didn't like the way she decorated, I changed it, I moved things around nd when you called me on it, I got embarrassed and uncomfortable and the only way I knew how to respond was to be passive aggressive’ end quote. Again, I have no idea if that's what Kourtney was feeling. That's what I kind of could see what was happening. And a lot of times, that's what we do when someone points out our behavior that we've hurt their feelings that we're acting poorly, many times we get embarrassed, ashamed to feel guilty about it, feel uncomfortable and then we lash out even more. We turn the tables, sometimes we gaslight, because we don't know how else to do anything. And it's and PS that example that I just gave, I'll read it again. ‘You're right, I was rude. I didn't like the way she decorated it. I changed it when you called me on it, I got embarrassed. And the only way I knew how to respond was to be best passive aggressive’. That is next level communication. I say things like that only because I have been doing this work for so long. And it is still deeply uncomfortable to make those kinds of amends. And I would not be able to do that if I was just starting out, when I was just starting out and communicating and learning how to apologize. But I just wanted to give you those options.
So that's one example of what there was two different things in that same episode where I just was like, whoa, okay. Then fast forward. Rob moves into his house. His new house that his mom helped him get. Can't remember if she bought it when the whole thing or what doesn't matter So Kris had also stocked the kitchen full of food. What a nice thing to do slightly codependent. It's thing to do nonetheless. So Rob takes to social media, and he is making fun of his mom. I believe he was making fun of the types of foods that she had bought him. Or maybe just that she did it in general. I can't remember. But he's he was definitely making fun of her. After she helped him get a house and stocked up full of food. Kris told him, she tells Rob that hurt my feelings. And he said he didn't mean to, which I think they were on the phone. Again, this episode was many years ago. I was like, oh, this is going to be a kind and tender moment, because he said he didn't mean to. But then it takes a complete left turn and it gets bad, because he turned it around and blamed Kris. And what I gathered from it was as soon as she kind of softened, when he said I didn't mean to and then she kind of softened a little bit, and then he turned it around. And it seemed to me like he felt like he got a little bit of the advantage and he jumped on it. And he said, how could you think I was making fun of you? How on earth could you think I was making fun of you? And more or less saying you need to learn how to take a joke. Which I think is a common kind of trope in that family when they hurt each other. Not always, but I've seen it before. And then she ended up apologizing to him. Which I was just like head explosion. Like, what just what did ich just happened what just transpired in the course of like 90 seconds. And then in the confessional, you know when it's just like them in the camera and it makes you feel like they're talking to you? Kris says ‘Rob's right. He wouldn't make fun of me on social media like that. I need to learn how to take a joke.’
Okay, y'all. I was like, who do I need to talk to get Ryan Seacrest on the phone to come in there and talk to them about how this is… Oh my god. So unacceptable. I feel like that family went to group therapy in the very beginning and it was a disaster. It was such a disaster. And I'm like, it's probably for TV. They maybe they did it on purpose. Anyway. Here's how this could have gone better. Rob could have again, same example with Kourtney. Rob could have heard his mother and said, ‘Mom, you're right. looking bad up back on that…’ And by the way, it's recorded. It's, it's not like, well, the way I remember it, it's like, I don't know, you can actually go back and watch the footage of what happened. ‘Looking back on that footage, I was trying to be funny and I can see how that was a bad choice of joke, and that it could hurt your feelings. I'm really sorry.’ And maybe he could have even finished it up the grand finale of how can I make it right? How can I make it right?
Just when someone you care about comes to you and tells you you've hurt them, you might be embarrassed. You know, it's uncomfortable. It's so uncomfortable to know that we've heard someone that we care about right. And we might feel guilty and we might feel a little ashamed might be a little embarrassed and many times when we feel that way, simply out of habit or not knowing any other way or just in our discomfort we try and manipulate the situation in our favor, to turn it around and make us seem like the victim. I mean, that was the case with definitely the second example with Rob. Or sometimes we lash back out at the other person and that was the case with Kourtney.
So I hope this is helpful. Again, I have seen myself on both ends of those particular situations as the person hurting someone else's feelings and doing a terrible job of cleaning it up and actually making it worse, and being on the receiving end of that and expressing to someone that they hurt my feelings and it many times just got worse. I just feel like communication is one of those things that is incredibly nuanced and are skills within the skills and there's a huge learning curve to it. There are basics and then it gets more advanced from there. And I think, I hope that little nuggets like these can be helpful for you as you try to navigate your relationships and be in relationship with people you care deeply, deeply about.
Alright, everyone, just a quick reminder, if you are thinking about going on The Daring Way retreat with me, which we talk a little bit about this kind of stuff and you're not really sure and you have questions that aren't answered on the info page. You can book a quick chat with me, so just head over to AndreaOwen.com/retreat. That's where all the info is and if you scroll down to the FAQs, you will see a link if you want to book a call with me. Thank you so much for your time. I appreciate you so much. And remember, it's our life's journey to make ourselves better humans and our life's responsibility to make the world a better place. Bye for now.