In March of 2009 I wrote a blog post that over the years has popped up in people’s Google searches a lot. Apparently, many people are searching for ways to get over their ex and how to heal their broken hearts.
While I’ve changed a lot since the spring of 2009, (I hadn’t had my second baby yet, hadn’t officially launched my business, and sobriety was still two years away!) I do think what I wrote was helpful, but I would give that advice differently than I did back then.
This mini-sode is a short and sweet one. Basically, I talk about two things that are imperative to know as you’re navigating a broken heart, whether your experience was last week or a decade ago (or more).
Also, early-bird pricing goes up on June 10th for the Daring Way™ Retreat! Click here to learn more about it and to sign up.
If you’re anywhere near the Sun Valley, Idaho area, be sure to check out the Sun Valley Wellness Festival from June 10th to 13th, 2022 where I’ll be speaking on recovery!
Welcome to Make Some Noise Podcast, your guide for strategies, tools and insight to empower yourself. I'm your host, Andrea Owen, global speaker, entrepreneur, life coach since 2007, and author of three books that have been translated into 18 languages and are available in 22 countries. Each week, I'll bring you a guest or a lesson that will help you maximize unshakable confidence, master resilience and make some noise in your life. You ready? Let's go.
Hi, everyone. Welcome to another episode of the podcast. I'm so glad that you're here. And I mean, I think it's a little ironic that I'm doing a podcast episode on having a broken heart and walking through a broken heart more specifically, when here in the United States, which I know most of you, not all of you, but most of you are listening from. We have had another school shooting at an elementary school. Just the day before yesterday, as I'm recording this about a week before this is going to come out. And my heart is broken, I am furious, I am sad. Again. Again. And right now that's all I'm gonna say about it.
So switching gears, I was thinking about what I wanted to talk about in terms of this minisode. I tried to keep this short and sweet. And I started thinking about my most popular blog post that I wrote in 2009. You guys, it is old. It is an oldie but goodie. And I don't mean to be self-critical, but I look back at that blog post and I'm like, okay, I don't It's not that I disagree with what I wrote, I'm almost like, oh, God, should I put a link in the show notes to it. I'm in a very different place now. If I had to rewrite that if I had to start from scratch, I would not put some of those things in there. I probably wouldn't write them the same. I'm definitely on a different spiritual path then when I wrote about then, but back then that was what I needed, what I had and it was helpful at the time. And that article got so many eyeballs on it. And for a while, Emily and I considered pulling it only because people were landing on my site and thinking that's what I did. That I was some kind of therapist or some kind of magician to help people with their broken hearts and all that to say, there's a lot of people out there that are putting into Google ‘how to get over my ex’, ‘how to handle my broken heart’, ‘how do I heal my broken heart’. And I mean, as you know, you've been around these parts long enough to know that having a broken heart is part of the human experience. We will all face it at one time or another, probably multiple times in our lives. I know I have. So we want to solution, right? We want to know when the end will come. We want to know what are the steps that I need to take to get through this the easiest and the fastest way. And that blog post I think I outlined seven, nine things or something that I that I did at the time. And what I was referring to in that blog post was mostly from my ex-husband, who was probably the source of my biggest broken heart in my 47 years to date. And I was only three years out when I wrote that post and I… Gosh was it 2009 or am I mistaken? I'm gonna have to double check but I'm almost positive I wrote that in ‘09 it was even before I got sober. So there was a lot for let's see how old was I 34 year old Andrea to learn from there, but I wanted to kind of do a little update on what I would tell someone who is walking through it.
And for those of you listening, you know, maybe your broken heart is fresh, maybe it is in the distant rearview mirror of your life, or maybe you're walking with someone as they as they go through yours. And I thought to myself, okay, if I had to just give someone advice if you know I was at a speaking event or whatever, and it was Q&A time and they said what is your best advice for someone who's who Isn't walking through this, how to get through it easier. And I think my first response is, there is no easy way. I think there are some steps that you can take to, how do I word this, maybe maximize your resilience and helping your evolution. But I'm going to give you two simple bits of advice that I would not have wanted to hear because they're not very concrete. But what I have learned over the last decade plus in doing this work, getting on this podcast every week, going through my own therapy, working with hundreds of women, writing three books is the following when it comes to healing your broken heart walking through an earth-shattering experience.
The first one is your healing is going to take as long as it takes and don't let anyone tell you how long it should take. Don't let anyone tell you you shouldn't be through this by now, I know a shaman that can help you. I mean, I don't know maybe I take that last part back. There are there are definitely healers out there that that can help you walk through it. However, there's just no set time. And grief is a… She's a shapeshifter. She certainly is. Grief will pick you up by the ankles and flip you upside down at times. Grief will become invisible at times and your think like, wow, I feel like I'm so much better feel like I might be home free and then she shows up again. It is probably one of the most nonlinear experiences I've ever had in my entire life is grief. And new things pop up and layers that you didn't even knew could exist, happen and it gets complicated at times and uncomplicated at other times and you think you have it figured out and you don't have it figured out. And at one point, you have to just throw your hands up in the air. You know, one of the reasons I got the word surrender tattooed on my arm, throw your hands up in the air, and just be like, alright, this is gonna take as long as it takes. I have no control over this and it kind of sucks. It kind of sucks. So it's going to take as long as it takes.
And the second thing is, whatever you feel is exactly right. Exactly right. Exactly right. And one of the things I experienced is, a couple of things. People telling me how to feel, or that what I was feeling was wrong and me making up at what I was feeling was wrong when I wasn't sharing how I was feeling. I told myself things like I should be over it by now, I shouldn't be this angry, and make cetera et cetera. Whatever you feel is exactly right. It's such an interesting thing, how… And I understand that when people tell you that you should look on the bright side, you know that you try to put a silver lining on it, or they talk about what you learned from it, which I don't think is terrible advice. I think that looking at what you can learn from a relationship that is in your past that didn't work out, that's extraordinarily helpful when the time is right, because it's not always, you know, not always the right time, not always the right place for that. And at the same time, you're gonna go through whatever you go through. And I've said this a million times, and I will keep saying it. If you disregard or dismiss what you're feeling, whether somebody else is telling you to do that, and you take that on or you tell yourself that it will eventually come out. It doesn't just go away. I think I wrote in How To Stop Feeling Like Shit, we can't bury our feelings alive and expect them to die. We can't. I tried and I feel like I am pretty efficient at things. I can get things done. And any emotions expert will tell you that that's not how it works. It works for a time you know that it works until it doesn't. And eventually it will come out and it can manifest in all sorts of different ways. But eventually, it's like holding that beach ball underwater, it will pop up somewhere. And yeah, whatever you feel is exactly right.
I had a mixture. And I think that my situation was one that, of course, I was angry. Of course I was full of rage I was, I was betrayed, and I was profoundly humiliated. So there was a lot of anger and rage. I was furious, and still get mad about it. And it just still stings sometimes. It's gone, gone down quite a lot since the acute days. But not everybody has that experience. You know, I had, I had a different kind of grief when my father passed away, I had a different kind of grief when my dog Giselle passed away earlier this year. And whatever you feel is exactly right. Don't let anyone tell you how to feel. And that's it. That's really it. I just wanted to tell you, those two things. Know that it's going to take as long as it takes and whatever you feel is exactly right. Those two are the main pieces of advice that I would tell someone who is either going through a heartbreak or has had one in the past.
And don't forget that on June 10, is the last day for earlybird pricing for the daring way retreat, you know, speaking of feelings, speaking of experiencing feelings, the Daring Way as a methodology based on the research of Dr. Brené. Brown, and I facilitate that work. We are going to Asheville, North Carolina in September and bringing a group of women there. Everything is included in the retreat price, except just get your booty to Asheville. And we're going to retreat for a few days. So it's an AndreaOwen.com/retreat. If you need to hop on the phone with me to ask them questions that aren't answered on that info page then scroll down to the FAQ. You'll find a link there to do that. AndreaOwen.com/retreat. And thank you for listening everyone. I appreciate your time so much. And remember, it's our life's journey to make ourselves better humans and our life's responsibility to make the world a better place.
Bye for now.