Before we jump into today’s episode, I want to tell you about a conference I’m speaking at that you might be interested in attending!
Podcasting is one of the most popular ways to consume content and it’s only going to continue to grow. If you want to get in on the action, She Podcasts LIVE is the event for you! This four-day event will teach you everything you need to know about podcasting – from refining your skills to growing your audience. You’ll learn from some of the top female podcasters in the world (including me!) and walk away with all the tools you need to take your podcasting career to the next level.
She Podcasts LIVE is committed to bringing a diverse and inclusive lineup of speakers, with the team working hard in order to make sure those chosen are 50% WOC (women of color), LGBTQIA+ or both. They also highlight industry experts as well leaders so attendees can get an inside look at what it's like being one on top! Register now and join us in Washington, D.C. this October! You won’t regret it. We can promise that you’ll leave feeling inspired, motivated, and ready to take on anything. Purchase your ticket today! shepodcastslive.com
Moving on to this week’s show! We are continuing with our self-care theme and welcome guest Christy Tending. Together we talk about sustainable self-care (including what it is and how to practice it) and the decision to live a life of sobriety. Christy shares openly about her decision to stop drinking alcohol, its effects on her life, and the lessons she has learned (even about self-care) from the experience.
Christy is an activist, educator, and writer. She teaches online courses about sustainable self-care to students all over the world, and hosts the podcast Tending Your Life. Her specialty is helping people dissolve overwhelm, heal burnout, and advocate for themselves.
- The art and practice of sustainable self-care, plus Christy shares her definition of personal self-care (5:27)
- Slowing down enough to actually hear your real needs (8:08)
- Christy shares about her activist journey and how it informs her work today (14:03)
- The difference between self-care and self-advocacy (23:25)
- How and why Christy decided abstinence from alcohol was better than moderating her drinking (30:43)
Private coaching with Andrea
Episode 345: YKAL Coaching Sessions: Coping with Perfectionism and Unwanted Identities with Katie
Trauma Stewardship, Laura van Dernoot Lipsky
You know how I love a good personal development book, right? I’ve compiled a list of book recommendations, as mentioned in past episodes. Check out these amazing book recommendations here. Happy reading!
Christy Tending is an activist, educator, and writer. She teaches online courses about sustainable self-care to students all over the world, and hosts the podcast Tending Your Life. Her specialty is helping people dissolve overwhelm, heal burnout, and advocate for themselves. She lives on occupied Ohlone territory (Oakland, CA) with her family. You can learn more about her work atwww.christytending.
The reality is many of the people who would benefit the most from a professional interior designer are the people who have had to get creative with storage and a smaller kitchen, or turn your guest bedroom into an office because you're working from home. And to be honest, I always thought interior design was something I couldn't afford. But Asling Interiors is an online interior design service available to everyone. So here's how it works. First, you complete the questionnaire so your designer can understand your style and your budget, you will provide them with some measurements of the room, you can upload pictures of the room or anything that you have chosen for the space. That part took me maybe 15 minutes. I sent them examples from Pinterest of what I liked because I didn't have anything picked out yet. And then your designer will create a 3d model of your space to scale. She even put my dog laying on the couch. I was like this is this is my living room. I love it. They use colors that you want furniture to match your style, and any other decor that you need. You provide feedback to ensure that things are exactly as you need them and then afterwards, you get a printable form with all the information talked about in your consultation and links to any pieces of furniture or fixtures or decor that was sourced for you. That was my favorite thing, just to be able to click ad buy it. So go to AislingInteriors.com and complete the quiz on the space that you want to redesign use the code NOISE at checkout to receive 10% off any booking that's AislingInteriors.com with the code NOISE N-O-I-S-E at checkout to receive 10% off any booking. These links are all in the show notes if you missed them as well as on my website.
I define self-care as meeting yourself with compassionate presence in the moment here as it finds you. It's not about like buying more stuff that you probably don't need. It's not about putting more stuff on your to do list or your calendar. Sustainable self-care is how much can you slow down and meet your real actual needs as they are.
You're listening to Make Some Noise episode number 474 with guest Christy Tending.
Welcome to Make Some Noise Podcast your guide for strategies, tools and insight to empower yourself. I'm your host, Andrea Owen, global speaker, entrepreneur, life coach since 2007, and author of three books that have been translated into 18 languages and are available in 22 countries. Each week, I'll bring you a guest or a lesson that will help you maximize unshakable confidence, master resilience and make some noise in your life. You ready? Let's go.
Hey, everyone, welcome to another episode of the podcast. I'm so glad that you're here. I am getting ready to go to Asheville tomorrow to host a Daring Way retreat for some amazing women and it got me thinking that I probably forgot to tell you that I have brought back the Daring Way curriculum to my one on one coaching practice. So if you know Brené Browns work, if you caught her HBO special on her latest book Atlas of the Heart, or if you read the book, or if you got her if you caught her Netflix, Call to Courage special, or if you're just familiar with her TED talks, you might want to come and check it out. Especially if you are someone who likes to do work privately one on one, maybe groups just aren't your thing yet. And you're hesitant to come with us on the retreat. So if you go to Andrea
Owen.com/coaching you'll see that that page is there that tells you a little bit about what the objectives are, what your takeaways will be, and an opportunity to fill out an application and maybe have a chat with me. I also offer coaching which I just call open sessions where you bring your primary focus and we get to work. We get to work and I have two lead coaches that also do that kind of coaching Liz and Sabrina, who may be a better fit for you.
But speaking of doing the work we are continuing on with our self-care theme, and I just love this theme. You know you guys know I just love personal development. I'm a huge fan. I'm a huge fan and I know that you are to Christy Tending is here and…I think I found her on Instagram not on Tiktok. Maybe I did find her on TikTok. I can't remember. Somewhere on social media I found her and she specializes in self-care so I knew I had to have her on. Let me tell you a little bit about her.
Christy Tending is an activist, educator and writer. She teaches online courses about sustainable self-care to students all over the world, and host the podcast Tending Your Life. Her specialty is helping people dissolve overwhelm, heal burnout and advocate for themselves. She lives on occupied Ohan territory, which is Oakland, California with her family. You can learn more about her work at ChristyTending.com. So without further ado, here is Christy.
Chrisy, thank you so much for being here.
Thank you so much for having me. I'm really excited for this conversation.
I am too and I saw your website and immediately from your homepage, I was like I have to I have to have this one on. Yes. 100 times yes. And I know you talk about a handful of, of topics so I might jump around with my questions a little bit. But I want to start with, can you tell us what you mean by what you call sustainable self-care. Because I feel like self-care is this word that's been kind of a buzzword in the self-help industry over the last few years. So what do you mean by sustainable self-care and how does one practice that in their life?
Sure. So I noticed in my own life, so I came to self-care out of, I would say probably what could be construed as like a mental health crisis. I was dealing with depression and PTSD and I had been an activist for a bunch of years, and was really, I was struggling big time, I was also dealing with a lot of chronic pain issues. So I came to kind of my self-care journey, if you want to call it that, really, from this kind of crisis point of like, I can't continue to live my life the way I've been living my life and be okay, so I don't…
I don’t think is very uncommon for women. Like I think that we can tolerate a lot before we sort of decide like, oh, my gosh, I need to help myself.
No, we're really good at waiting until the last possible moment to like, give ourselves that life raft. And so I dove into like yoga and meditation and, you know, doing all of these things for myself, you know, eating a certain way and living a certain way and spending my time in certain ways. And what I realized in my self-care practice was that I was replicating the same kind of overwork over achieving, like, almost like hoarding mentality that I had had in the overwork that had led me to self-care in the first place.
So you were adding more things to your to do list?
Just like adding things to my to do list and what I realized was, I needed to be subtracting. And so I define self-care as meeting yourself with compassionate presence in the moment here, as it finds you. It's not about like buying more stuff that you probably don't need. It's not about putting more stuff on your to do list or your calendar, which none of us need that in this the year of our pandemic,
Right, right. I'm raising my hand over here. Yep, me too.
It's really about to me, sustainable self-care is how much can you slow down and meet your real actual needs as they are, and not fill it up with more stuff. And I'm really good at like filling my life with all kinds of projects, and to-do’s and classes and all of that. And really, when I'm practicing self-care, it's about like, how slow can I be? How much can I subtract? How much can I focus on this moment right here in being with myself and my own needs in that moment?
Wow. I imagine there's people listening to this who are listening to this going, What are you talking about? I agree with you and then also, there's still a part of me at the same time, that feels like my fists are clenching together, like, oh, my gosh, what would that like… Our self-worth, I think is so wrapped up in our productivity that it might seem counterintuitive, but and this is something that I talk about in my next book that's coming out. My friend, Elizabeth Dialto asks the question, what is our conditioning and what is our truth? And so it sounds to me that you're asking people and I love the term compassionate presence. Is that what you called it?
That like, that's your truth telling you to pull things back and actually, you've been conditioned to add things on.
Right. I mean, I think it's this capitalist kind of mentality of my productivity is my worth, my achievement is my worth, the more stuff I buy, the more successful I am. And really, to me self-care is about how much can we, as you say, kind of like, strip away that conditioning and get back to who am I really and what do I really need? If I slow down long enough to actually hear my real needs, what are they?
Okay. So what does…which brings me to my I wanted to kind of give it like a second part of this question now that you just said that and I know that you work with women who's on this specific topic. What do you find is the thing that they discover it is that they need?
Honestly, most people want the time and the space and the quiet to hear their own voices. I work with a lot of activists like me. Not a huge surprise. That's a little bit of a like, if you build it, they will call them kind of a situation. And I also work with a lot of caregivers. So a lot of what you know, we now call kind of frontline workers, I work with a lot of nurses and social workers and teachers and people whose caring is really kind of their currency in the world. I work with a lot of parents who are caring for their children, I work with a lot of people who are caring for their parents. And really what they want is some kind of time and space to hear their own needs kind of beyond that conditioning, beyond that narrative that they've been fed that their worth is wrapped up in how much can they care for other people. It's discovering that that thing that they really want, even if it's really inconvenient for everybody else.
And I've been I've been kind of messing around with this idea lately of like, how inconvenient could I be, like before the wheels really come off this thing? Because I think so many of us, like so many women are conditioned to be as accommodating and nurturing and convenient for people around us and the question that I'm really messing around with is like, how much can I interrupt that convenience? How much can I get what I want, even if it isn't, you know, on everybody else's, you know, time table and schedule and, you know, how much can I not wait until everybody else is taken care of before I meet my own needs.
Which can feel radical too.
It is absolutely radical. It doesn't just feel radical. It is radical, like the healing.
Yes, and I love this so much. I've been I've been talking ad nauseam to my audience about my own therapy journey. So I hired a new therapist. I don't remember when it was it was it was not that long after COVID hit. And you know, I think a lot of us were kind of faced with our own shit. And I dove in headfirst in trauma therapy and one of the things that I kind of already knew was a little bit of a subconscious belief was that I am a quote unquote difficult woman. And my ex-husband made me feel this way and I just made up that I was super difficult and just and difficult to be married to difficult to be a friend of. Just all around difficult. And what I have come to realize, and still like I struggle, you know, if I have to email a contractor or something and say like, hey, I'm not happy with how things are going, like, I'm like, oh, I don't want I don't want her to think that I'm being a diva. Like that type of thing. And it's so interesting to dig into this. And when you take like a few giant steps back and look at the big picture. I'm really not like…are gonna be a pain in the ass sometimes? Sure. We all can. But it's really just about asking to get my needs met, like that's at the end of the day. In simple terms that's all it is.
It was an absolute stunning shock to me, I… So I used to talk a lot kind of jokingly about how self-care is not all bubble baths and all of that. And then after my son was born, what I realized is the thing that feels really good for my body, I have scoliosis and so I deal with a lot of chronic pain stuff. The thing that feels really good for my body at the end of the day is like a really hot bath. I was like so embarrassed to discover this as the person who'd been preaching against bubble baths for all these years. It was like so humiliating to have to like, come out to my audience as like a bubble bath devotee. But what I was most shocked to discover was like, I was able to take a bubble bath, not like once in a blue moon, not once in a while, not once a month, almost every single night and nobody in my house has died from this yet. It was unbelievable to me. I was like, wait, you're all surviving this? Amazing. What else could I do? And it made me curious, like, what, how else…how far can I push this?
I get away with pretty much when it's just you taking care of yourself. Okay, I love this conversation. I'm also curious, because you mentioned about being an activist. So tell us about your activist journey and how that's informed the work that you do currently.
Yeah, so I have always been a giant hippie. I grew up horseback riding, and loved being outside, I loved being in the country and, you know, I loved the earth. Like I loved, you know, riding my horse and watching the sunset riding home in the dark and, you know, I just I love, I love the Earth. I love our planet, I love the beauty. There's a hummingbird that's nesting outside our dining room window right now and this has been like the focal point of my household for like, the last few weeks. Just gives you like some kind of insight into, like, what inspires me. And so it's not a huge shock that I became an environmental justice activist, and I got started with kind of human rights activism and environmental activism in high school. And then, you know, that kind of took off when I was in college, and I became an organizer and a trainer. And I've now been working with kind of the same core group of people here in the Bay Area for the last, I think it's been almost 15 years, which is pretty amazing. And really my activism is looking at kind of the intersection of climate change and indigenous rights. So looking at pipelines and infrastructure projects that are impacting them, and land rights, all of those things I actually lived in an indigenous community, the summer after college.
And what I realized that kind of that really shaped my activist journey was just how emotionally invested I get in this. It's not just that I like to stir up trouble, which I do and it's not just that I have this very specific kind of theory of change, which I do. But it's that, for me, I have this vision of the future that I feel so passionate about kind of collectively moving us towards that I get really emotionally wrapped up in this. And so it takes a lot of emotional energy for me. And, you know, I think one of the things that I discovered, I read this really amazing book called Trauma Stewardship, that talks about burnout and talks about compassion fatigue, and secondary trauma and all of these things and the whole time I'm reading the book, I'm just like, I'm checking all the boxes. As somebody who, you know, is not just there to win or to be right, but really wants to create this vision for the future.
And, you know, one of my mentors is woman named Adrian Marie Brown and she talks a lot about kind of the power of visionary imagination to kind of bring people along an activist path. And I have that like, really in spades. Like the things that I want, in this world, I can like, I can almost taste them. Because I'm so I'm so excited by the possibility of living in a world where people are free. Living in a world where, you know, we're not facing climate disaster after climate disaster. And so I do have to be really kind of cautious with my energy now. I still love taking risks even as a parent. I'm all about taking risks for the future that you want, but I also have to be kind of cautious about my energy of what am I kind of splashing out there and who am I doing it with and making sure that I'm balancing that with a lot of care and rest and nourishment and resourcing myself.
Yes, I love and I just I thank you for talking about your activism and being so transparent about what it looks like for you from the inside. And I just don't think that there's any accidents about what we're here to do. I think people get it…this is like just a side note, I think people get caught up in their purpose. And people feel bad and beat themselves up like, oh, I don't have the purpose like Christy does and don't I don't feel it was called to do, you know, environmental activism, and what's my purpose? What's my purpose? I also, just as a side note, want to tell people, your path is your purpose, you know, just having the path and the self-development journey that you're on is many people's purpose.
That being said, I love that you talked about how important self-care is in this work and compassion, fatigue very much is a thing, whether you are in a helping profession or not. And I just think some people are wired that way where some people can compartmentalize easier than others. And then there are those of us who just, you know, we hear people's stories, whether it's a collective story of a certain group of people, or it is individual stories, like, I mean, I have one friend who gets so taken out, like her hair starts falling out, and she is taken out for weeks. So she has very much had to learn, like what she can and cannot take on. And it's so fascinating how it varies from person to person. But like we cannot, and I'm sure people have heard this so many times, but we cannot fill other people's cup up if ours is empty. Just can't.
Well, and there's a reason why I don't work me in the nonprofit world anymore. I've had a number of, you know, nine to five jobs in my career where I was working at environmental or human rights nonprofits and I love the work, and at the same time, I don't want my income to be contingent on my ability to perform that work from nine to five, Monday through Friday. And so that's the other thing that I would say is that if you are called to activist work, or to helping work in any way, don't get caught up in this belief that it has to be your career There are lots of ways to do this, that don't rely on you making this like to tying this to your own personal survival. Like…
It can be a hobby you mean?
Well, not that it's necessarily a hobby, but it's not something that you have to rely on in order to like have health insurance and a house. You know, it can be something that you volunteer on weekends, or you do things after work, or whatever it is. But it…
Yeah, or if you have no time, then you donate money if you can, and yeah.
Right. Or you share on social media, or you take the time to educate yourself, or you have these conversations in your own life with your kids, with your parents, with your friends, you know. You can still be kind of working these things out in your own life without tying your career to it.
Yeah. Thank you for that.
And I want to just circle back a little bit to what we were talking about before. And can you talk to us about what is the difference between self-advocacy and self-care and when might we need to practice self-advocacy instead of self-care.
So self-advocacy was this phrase that popped into my head in the shower. Again, I'm all about the hot water. Everything good happens to me and hot water. So my son was maybe eight months old and I was like, super burned out and I'm standing in the shower, and I'm thinking to myself, I am literally a self-care coach and I am massively do not have my shit together. Like I am, I'm struggling so immensely. And, you know, what occurred to me is like all of these self-care practices that I had been relying on, were either, you know, not available, not possible, or like not working, frankly, after having my son. And I realized that what I needed was not in fact, self-care, but it was what I came to call self-advocacy. And what I've also realized is that the people I know in my life who are kind of the fiercest advocates, the fiercest activists for other people are the ones who are truly terrible at advocating for themselves in their own lives. Like they will change themselves to a tree, they will blockade a road, they will do all kinds of daring, dangerous stuff in order to, you know, stand up for a cause, but they're not having kind of those honest conversations in their own lives, and they're not… They're not standing up for themselves and what they need.
And so, to me self-advocacy is, is sort of the relational piece of self-care. It's how do we talk to the people in our lives about this is not working. Whether it's, you know, at your day job, having a conversation with your boss have, like, I am overworked and I am on the verge of burnout and we need to shift things. Or having a conversation with your spouse of like, I need some me time friends, I love you to pieces, but I need, you know, some dedicated time by myself. That's how the bat- taking came about, by the way. But being able to kind of stand up for your own needs, proactively not just caring for yourself, and kind of recuperating afterwards, but being a little bit more proactive in terms of setting up your life in a way that inherently feels caring and inherently feels like something that's resourcing you.
I love that. And thank you for differentiating that. And it reminds me of I coached people hear on the podcast every once in a while, and I had someone that came on and we'll drop that link in the show notes. And the conversation started out with she wanted to figure out how to have more time to have more self-care and like do these things for herself and prioritize herself and what we ended up figuring out, or I should say, you know, what I and what I got out of her is that she wasn't having a conversation with her partner about him helping her more, you know, she was taking on the brunt of everything when they both worked full time and had two children. And so yeah, I'm going to drop that in for anybody who might be struggling with that and so you can get some tips on what to do there.
This podcast sponsor has a product that I use every day and I started taking AG1 because yeah, I wanted more energy but also I wanted other drink options that weren't something with a lot of sugar or just plain water. Those are one of the reasons that I tried it. So what exactly is AG1? With one scoop you are absorbing 75 high quality vitamins, minerals, whole food source superfoods, probiotics and adaptogens, say that three times fast, to help you start your day. Right. The special blend of ingredients will support your gut health, your nervous system, yay, your immune system. Yay, your energy recovery focus and aging some of the things that I love about it, it contains less than one gram of sugar, no GMOs, no chemicals or artificial anything, and it still tastes really good. AG1 is a small micro habit with big benefits. It's one thing you can do every single day to take really great care of yourself. It costs less than $3 a day you're investing in your health, and it's cheaper than perhaps a cold brew habit. Right now it's time to reclaim your health and arm your immune system with convenient daily nutrition. It's just one scoop in a cup of water every day. And to make it easy Athletic Greens is going to give you a free one-year supply of immune supporting vitamin D and five free travel packs. With your first purchase. All you have to do is visit AthleticGreens.com/noise. Again, that is AthleticGreens.com/noise to take ownership over your health and pick up the ultimate daily nutritional insurance.
Now a word from our sponsor BetterHelp. If you're anything like me, you found yourself in that place of going around in circles with yourself focusing or even obsessing on a problem in your life without feeling like it's even an option to look at the solution. And I understand it can be hard to train yourself out of what I call like problemland. But a therapist can help you become a better problem solver and then making it easier to accomplish your goals no matter what those goals are. And one of the many things I love about therapy is that most of the time if I'm being honest, I go in pretty convinced that my problems are caused by other people, right? Then my therapist will gently point out my own blind spots and where I can change my thinking or perspective. And there's a lot of personal freedom in that. So with BetterHelp you fill out a brief survey, you get matched with a therapist and if that person isn't a great fit, you can switch therapists. BetterHelp is affordable, accessible and you don't have to leave your house. When you want to become a better problem solver therapy can get you there, visit BetterHelp.com/kickass today and get 10% off your first month. That's BetterH-E-L-P.com/kickass.
You had written a piece, an article about quitting drinking, and I know that you have some time under your belt and I would love for you to just kind of tell us your story. You know, I have a whole recovery series on my podcast. And for those of you who might be interested in listening to those, I will drop that link in the show notes as well. I think we have about 20 or so episodes that totally focus on that. But when I do have a guest on who has some experience here, I always love to get like…how did you come to this conclusion, like what made you decide that abstinence was better for you than moderating your drinking,
I spent a number of years justifying my drinking to myself and really being super clear that I was not a person with a problem. I was not a person from the outside who anyone…like nobody was giving me the side I at parties being like, she really has problem. There was no rock bottom, I was not, you know, putting my family or finances in danger. But I have enough people in my life who have not had healthy relationships with alcohol in my lifetime, and it really just took one final bad hangover for me to look myself in the mirror and just say enough is enough. I'm done. And while…I've talked about this too, how I felt, I expected to feel a lot of relief and like grace in recovery, and all I felt was like really pissed off for the first few months.
That was my same experience. It was just like that.
I was like a raw nerve except instead of like being weepy or sensitive, I was just like, I was so pissed for, like, the first few months. I was so mad about everything. And really what I came to was like, I did not ask for this problem. I did not invite this, it fell in some ways, like this got just like heaped in my lap. And even if it was not of my creation, it did absolutely my work to clean this up. And like, I did not ask for this but this shit ends with me. And I decided that really for the sake of my son, the sake of my own mental health and well-being, that I had to stop. That like that was that. And I really haven't looked back. Which is not to say that it's been an easy process for me. It's been a lot of emotional excavation to get to this place of like, yeah, I'm really okay and this is the decision, and this is where it ends. But I think that to me the most interesting kind of piece of my story is that there was no rock bottom. There was no, like, I did not leave a trail of devastation and destruction in my week. It was just like, I'm done hurting myself.
Mm hmm. Yeah.
I'm done being in pain.
Yeah. And I, I know from experience that that story actually is becoming more and more common. And that was my story, too. It was…I did wasn't getting aside, I either. Like, maybe my mom said that she you know, it was Christmas Day and I was like, starting to drink it like noon. But you know, but then she was like, well, it's Christmas day. Like, there was a couple of instances where, like my mom, or like a friend or my husband might have been like you're having another glass of wine? But there wasn't like I had no DUIs. I hadn't ruined any relationships. Yeah, finances were fine. And it just for me, I don't know if you felt this way too, I had done enough research because a lot of us, you know, are typing into Google, do I have a problem with alcohol, wanting the answer. No you're all good. Yeah, it's fine. Some of the some of the quizzes ask you if you have with physical withdrawal symptoms if you don't drink for a couple of days, and I didn't have that either. So it was very confusing because I answered like, I would get like a D minus, I get like a 60% and I'm like, oh, so I'm a D minus drunk? Like, I don't know what that means. I don't know what to do with that.
Oh, I also, I think the thing for me that sort of pushed me over the edge was that I knew, and I hated this, that I knew this, I knew that I wouldn't get better. Yeah. And that, that it was progressive, whether or not you think, you know, identify as a quote unquote alcoholic, if you think it's a disease or not, it doesn't matter. Like, research shows that if you do really have a problem with your relationship with alcohol that we try to go back to like being able to moderate and we just can't like my hat is off to anybody that can and doesn't obsess on it and doesn't give it a second thought. I wanted to be that girl. And I couldn't. And I also I had the advantage of seeing my dad get sober when I was 18 and he went through the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. So I kind of knew where I was headed, right? No, I didn't kind of that's a lie. I absolutely knew where I was headed if I kept drinking, and I just I was I was more I became more scared of where I would progress to, versus what might happen if I tried sobriety.
Yeah, and I, what I discovered for myself was that I was spending more and more time and energy and, you know, like brain bandwidth, kind of managing it with less than less effective results.
100%. I could have said that, exact sentence. It's exhausting. It becomes exhausting. And not worth it.
Yeah. And the fact is, at the end of the day, I did not want to manage my drinking.
Yeah, I didn't either.
Like I can't imagine any more like, boring for myself than having to, like manage my drinking. I want it to be drunk. And like, I don't want half a glass of wine at dinner. Like, set the bottle down and like quit treating you like a baby. And…
I'll just drink it straight from the bottle. Yeah, like I wanted the results versus like to taste a really great wine that goes great with fish. I don't care about that.
And you know, I will I will also say that like, well, two things. First of all, when I told him that I was quitting, my husband looked at me without blinking and was like, great, I'll do it with you. And also has not had a drink in two years.
Wow, that's some support.
And I don't know that I would have made it without that. Which is not to say that, like, if your partner doesn't do that, that that means something. But for me, it was an incredibly positive thing of having somebody who was like, great, I'm in it. And, you know, we have cake. Whenever we have like a big sobriety milestone, we like order ourselves a cake. But I also, you know, not my husband, clearly. But there were other people in my life where if I did try to manage it, or did try to moderate it, I was actually met with resistance from those people who were like, why are you being like this? You're being approved. And it was very clear, like, I can't be managing this because I'm not getting the support. They're, clearly what I need is just to say, like I am done and this is no longer a conversation that we're having.
Yeah, those are hard. And I want to say something to anybody who's listening who, because I was similar that my husband didn't drink by choice. He doesn't have addiction issues that he knows of. But he just I think he genuinely is one of those people who is allergic to alcohol, some of the stories he told me of drinking in his early 20s, and the physical reactions that he was having, I'm like, oh, that sounds like awful. So he doesn't drink and I feel the same way. I think like if he would have been a partier, and a heavy drinker, I probably wouldn't have gotten sober as quickly as I did and it might have been much, much harder. So I say that for anyone who's listening who is in a different scenario, who's either thinking about quitting drinking or you know, questioning your relationship with alcohol or newly sober and is struggling because you have a partner or a friendship circle who is not being as supportive. I want to assure you that there are resources out there that that help. And I also just want to acknowledge the challenge that that is. We see you. And also there is a very, very large and welcoming community online of people, of women who will 100% support you.
Yeah, it was it was interesting for me kind of coming out with my story and being met with all of these people who were like me too, and now we like read each other on and our, it's a whole other level of support. And it really is a beautiful thing like some of these people I've never met in my whole life and we are still like cheering each other on for each other’s sobriety. And what I will say is like, you know, we're talking about self-advocacy, like me saying that to my husband was probably like, my biggest act of self-advocacy ever. Was like, this is the thing, this is the thing I need to do in in order for me to like, survive. And I think my husband probably also has something like alcohol sensitivity, maybe not allergy, but like alcohol sensitivity thing where like, quitting drinking for him was like, not a thing. He was like, great. Thank you for saving me.
Giving me the reason to do it. It's interesting, though, I mean, I could talk about this all day, but I also want to say, I don't always love to tie it up with a pretty bow and make people think that it was like the easiest thing I ever did. And I was the same as you. I was extremely angry and I'm like, oh, my God, you mean, I can't drink like I had two small children. My kids were toddlers at the time, and I'm like, if there's ever a time that I deserve to drink copious amounts of wine, it's now when I have these toddlers. And I was angry, and also very scared, I think, to walk into my feelings without having any kind of buffer numbing mechanism.
And also, my social life changed. It really did. Like, it's amazing. I didn't realize how much our culture is obsessed with alcohol and how many things revolve around alcohol. And, I mean, I can't be certain, but I do think there are times where I don't get invited to places because it's like Bunco and it revolves around wine and everyone's like, don't invite Andrea, she doesn't drink and I'm like, I can still play Bunco. Like, just please have a water. I don't know how to play like, I'll still there and be entertaining for all of you. Like, I still love to socialize like I'm an extrovert. So please still invite me. So also everybody listening, Pplease invite me to your parties.
I mean, as an introvert, I'm like, I didn't go to your party before and I'm probably not going to now.
Invite you anyway, Christry.
I appreciate that. Thank you.
Yes. Because I know, because my husband's an introvert. He's always like, I want to be invited. I just don't want to go, right.
I want the option. I want the I want the option of turning you down.
Right, right, right. Well, I just I want to, I think that, you know, we could have had this be like a three-hour conversation. But we do need to wrap up and I want to make sure that you have an opportunity. If you want me to circle back and say anything or you know, tell everybody where they can find you. And so take it away, like where can people find you and is there anything else that you want to say before we close?
Yeah, so you can find me and all of my writing and my podcasts and courses and all sorts of fun free resources over my website, which is ChristyTending.com. And, you know, I think that… I got this really amazing advice about sobriety on retreat right before the pandemic hit. In early 2020. I went on a four-day yoga and meditation retreat, which is like, the smartest planning I've ever done in my life. And I was talking to one of my teachers there about my sobriety and he really just gave me this beautiful advice that I think doesn't just apply to sobriety, but could apply it to really any big change that you're making. He's like you're trying to do too much. He's like you're trying to heal your entire past and build this entirely new future for your son and you're just you're trying to do too much. He's like, just don't drink today. And I was like, say what now? He's like, just today and yesterday and tomorrow, just make sure you haven't had a drink and the rest of it will eventually work its way out, but just focus on that for right now. And I literally turned him and I was like you're saying that I don't have to heal all of my past trauma with every single person I've ever had a relationship with and this relationship with alcohol and build this bright new future for my child all in the same day? He's like, this is what I'm saying to you. So I think that to me was you know, one of the best teachings that I've ever gotten and really kind of ties us back to this. Just be compassionately present with yourself. Don't try to fix it all at the same time. Just you show up for yourself and be nice.
Show up for yourself and be nice. I love that so much Christy. Thank you so much for being here. And remember everyone it's our life's journey to make ourselves better humans and our life's responsibility to make the world a better place. Bye.