The new and updated version of How to Stop Feeling Like Shit is officially OUT NOW! Get your copy (make sure you look for the YELLOW cover) and all your bonuses HERE! 🎉
We had our first ever, in the history of almost 500 episodes and 9 years of podcasting, a live AMA call recording!
Emily, who’s been on team Your Kick-Ass Life/Andrea Owen for TEN YEARS, co-hosted with me, and we answered some listener questions and they did not disappoint!
Cathryn asks about how to overcome the fear of success, Renee asks about any upcoming writing classes, and Kaleelah asks about friendships, just to name a few of the questions asked!
I also reveal in this episode one of my biggest fears or “neuroses” as my therapist calls them, and l invite you to listen in to see if it's one of your fears too. 😉
At the end, Emily chose Danelle as the winner of the new edition of How To Stop Feeling Like Shit, congratulations, Danelle!
You know how I love a good personal development book, right? I’ve compiled a list of book recommendations, as mentioned in past episodes. Check out these amazing book recommendations here. Happy reading!
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You're listening to Make Some Noise Podcast episode number 497.
Welcome to Make Some Noise Podcast, your guide for strategies, tools and insight to empower yourself. I'm your host, Andrea Owen, global speaker, entrepreneur, life coach since 2007, and author of three books that have been translated into 18 languages and are available in 22 countries. Each week, I'll bring you a guest or a lesson that will help you maximize unshakable competence, master resilience and make some noise in your life. You ready? Let's go.
Hey, everybody, welcome to another episode of the podcast. I am so glad that you're here. I am straining with my voice right now, because I just got finished talking for almost an hour. We did an AMA call, an ask me anything call, and it was super exciting. Because I've done ama calls in the past. It's been a long time since I've done one, but I've never done one where we recorded it for the podcast. So that was exciting. We're coming up on 500 episodes. We actually have over 500 episodes, because 10 of them didn't have numbers. But anyway, and also almost 10 years of podcasting and it was a first. It was also a first because I had Emily as my co-host. So you're gonna listen and find out who Emily is. I made sure that we started the recording before I started talking about who Emily is and why she's so important to me. And there were some really great questions that were asked about friendships, some kind of logistics questions about the rerelease, the updated version of How To Stop Feeling Like Shit, questions about my future endeavors as an author, and about, you know, kind of when life hands you a shit sandwich, what do we do in those situations. And so I handed out some advice, and it was super fun. I'd be happy to do this again. And thank you to the women that were able to make it live. We gave away a book at the very end. So that was also exciting. And so we're going to get into it.
The only thing I think that I wanted to announce was, again, the rerelease of How To Stop Feeling Like Shit is now. It has happened as this episode is live. The new version should be shipping. I'm not sure if how it's going to be when this episode comes out. But real quick, if you order from Amazon, and it comes up and it's the white cover, scroll down a little bit and you're looking for the yellow cover. It's the same confetti with black lettering that says How To Stop Feeling Like Shit, but you are looking for a yellow cover whether you're looking on the audiobook version, the ebook version, or the print version that you're going to have shipped to you. You're looking for the yellow version. You might have to scroll down a little bit to find it. And I think that's it. It's exciting. There's still a bunch of bonuses that are available. Get them while you can. We have limited quantities of the bookplates. Those are the stickers that are the branded stickers that I will personalize and sign to you so you can put it on the inside of your book. And everything all the bonuses, the free workbook, the sharing contest that's going to end fairly soon, that we're gonna do a drawing for prizes, and the private podcast episode, or episodes, I should say the series is all over at AndreaOwen.com/HTSFLS. And so without further ado, here is the very first recorded AMA call.
All right, we're here for the first ever ask me anything podcast recording, I thought it would be fun to do this. I've done ask me any things in the past. It's beena minute since I've done them. But I've never done one where we've recorded for the podcast. So this is fun out of almost 500 episodes, and nine and a half years of the show, this is the first time we've ever done this. So that's fun. So far on the call, we have a hand a handful of amazing ladies that are here. And as I mentioned, feel free to jump in the chat if you have a question that you want to ask or even just a comment or to say hi to the other people that are here. Emily is here and she is joining me as my host slash co-host so she's going to be asking the questions and monitoring the chat. This is really exciting, Emily because this is the first time we've ever done anything…has it… Have you ever done… you've done webinars with me in the past?
Yes, but nothing on the podcast.
Nothing on the podcast and nothing on video. And so you have two amazing ladies that are growing out their gray hair. Both of us. I love it. And Emily has been behind the scenes with formerly Your Kick Ass Life for 10 years. We celebrated 10 years in October. So she has been with me through the entirety of the podcast. Pretty much everything that you see that is working is because of Emily. If it were left up to me, it would be a little messy. But thank you, Emily. I want to just publicly thank you for how organized you are, and how on top of things, and your customer service is flawless. And just thank you so much for everything for being with me for so long.
You're so welcome, Andrea.
All right. This call is going to be just super free flowing. We have a couple of questions that were sent in to us ahead of time that we're going to go ahead and answer. And then we're going to open it up to the chat if anybody has a question. And I would love for you to take yourself off of mute if you can, I know Molly, you said you're at work, and you might not be able to do that but if you want to ask a question, you're more than welcome to do that, or you can just ask it in the chat that that works as well. t the very end, I'm going to Emily's actually going to randomly choose someone from the chat to win a free copy of How To Stop Feeling Like Shit. Which brings me to kind of why we're here. I wanted to do a celebration. This book has been quite the world traveler. How To Stop Feeling Like Shit was released in January of 2018. I got the idea for it in 2015, I wrote it in 2016, and it was released in 2018, and has been just a phenomenal success, if I do say so myself. I'm gonna brag for a minute. And this book has been translated into 19 languages and is available in 23 countries, I get tagged on social media, from all over the world, in languages I don't recognize or can understand and it's just really exciting.
And you know, a few things have happened since 2018, the pandemic, the social unrest, the #MeToo movement, the conversation around toxic positivity has come to the forefront in personal development circles, which I'm happy that it has. And I got the idea to maybe do a little update and revision. Like for when the pandemic started, I started thinking about it and I approached my literary agent and then the publisher, and they were like, sure, that's a great idea, thank you. So I sat down and wrote 10,000 additional words. What that translates to is that every single chapter has an update in it. And for those of you on video, I can kind of show you what it's going to look like. For those of you that prefer audio, obviously, it's a little bit different. But if you remember, at the end of every chapter, there's a box, that I say, ‘ask yourself the hard questions’. And there's a handful of kind of coaching questions, journaling questions, and then at the end of that is where the new revision will start. So there is kind of a separation. So if you have the print book or the ebook, you can see where the new parts are. If you are listening to it on audio, which I just recorded the new additions a handful of weeks ago, you're just gonna have to listen for after I you know, ‘ask yourself the hard questions’, there'll be the new, the new stuff, but there's not like a bell rings or anything like that. It just kind of just flows into the next part. So that starts shipping on December 27. Thank you so much for ordering the new version. It's exciting. It's really exciting. Are we ready to answer some questions Emily?
Yes, let's go. So if you already answered the first question, which was from Molly, and it was what kind of updates does the book have?
Yeah, well, let me go into a tiny, a little bit more depth, Molly. And that's a that's a great question. So there are additional tools. I'm pretty sure every single chapter has at least one more tool or strategy that I have put into this book. Whether it's because of something that I have learned over the last five years, or it's something that touches on a conversation that's more prevalent now than it was back when I wrote it in 2016. But it's not fluff. I wouldn't do that to you guys. It's not the essence of…It is new information, new strategies, new tools to try out and it's just yeah. We grow and evolve as authors and it's really a privilege to be able to go back and, and edit books with new knowledge that we have. I really wish I could go back to 52 Ways To Live A Kick Ass Life to add some sparkle into that too. But alas, we have we have this book. So great question. Thank you Molly.
Okay, next question is, do you plan on writing any more books?
I do. Well, I'm in the process of writing two book proposals right now. I am finally writing my memoir, you guys. I don't know if and haven't had the question in a while, but if you've read any of my previous books, and if you've been listening to the podcast for any length of time, you've heard snippets of my story. That my first husband had an affair with our neighbor and got her pregnant while we were having the conversation about conceiving our first child. And then I dated someone who fooled me into thinking that he had a terminal illness and it turns out, he was a drug addict and then I was pregnant. And I had this very tumultuous about 18 months of my life from 2006 into 2007, which actually brought me to life coaching. It was my rock bottom, like, I need to change my life. How do you change your life? You need to change your life in order to change your life. That's what I did. And so I have about 60,000 words already in a manuscript for that memoir. Writing that memoir has been a real bitch, I'll tell you, because memoir is new for me. If anyone has written a memoir, you know, but it's different than just kind of your regular run of the mill self-help… I wouldn't say it's harder, just, it's just a different genre that I am not used to. So I've been taking classes and hired a book coach and all that stuff, and so my literary agent and I are going to try to sell that in the new year. And I'm really excited about that. I already have a title, which I'm not telling you right now. But I also have another self-help book, in the works, I'm writing that proposal too. It's going to be more along the lines, kind of an updated version of 52 Ways To Live A Kick Ass Life, you know, short sort of bursts of motivation and inspiration. And with my kind of signature, you know, cheerleader slash in your face friend who kind of call it out and tells it as it is. So I'm excited for both of those. So those are coming up in the new year. Yay.
Yay. Okay, our next question is from Katherine. And Katherine's question is how to overcome a fear of success. I don't necessarily have a fear of failure. I've experienced many failures in my life and have learned to take the lessons they provide me and leave the rest of the past. However, I do have a fear of success. When imagining myself being successful in my professional endeavors, I get riddled with anxiety with how this success will change my life, how it might change me, etc. I feel like that is what's holding me back rather than being fearful of failure.
I love this question. So much. So Katherine sent that in ahead of time, and she said she was going to try… She was going to be at work, and she was going to try to make it on the call. So I would love people to type in the chat if they experienced the fear of success at all. It's one of those things that I feel like doesn't get talked about quite as much because it seems counterintuitive. Like of course, we want to be successful, like this is America after all. Well, except for Emily who's in Canada, but same same, right? Like, of course, everybody wants to be successful. And I talked about this in Make Some Noise, which is my book that came out last summer. So I'm gonna I'm gonna pull some excerpts from that. And one of the things that, and I think I mentioned this actually and Make Some Noise. I heard a podcast interview or something, and a man was talking about the fear of success. And he was adamant and he said, hands down, the fear of success, really only is the fear of failure in disguise. We're afraid of the failure that we might have, when we have more successes. And I thought to myself, yes and, I believe that it's different for women. And which I won't kind of go off on a feminist tangent about that.
But I think for women, our fear of success, there's a there's kind of like some ancillary parts to it. And one of those is that the sustainability of it can really be paralyzing. When we think about, you know, what if I get this promotion, and it's going to be a really great pay raise, but it's going to require me to work more hours. How on earth am I going to sustain that? Or how am I going to have the energy and wherewithal and childcare to get to the next level after that? So some of these might be subconscious things that we're not, you know, reflecting on that are in the forefront of our mind. Some of them they might be things that we're thinking about, but I do think that that is something that maybe men don't have to think about is that sustainability because when it comes to men's time, it seems to be infinite and women's time is not. Okay, they're actually the other way around. People think that women's time is infinite, like we have so much because we can do all of this labor that we, that is unfair that we need actually need help with.
All right, um, let me scoot over into chapter, this is chapter three in Make Some Noise and this chapter is called Start Asking For Everything You Want. And I talk about these handful of fears that we tend to have that make us not ask for things that we want, and maybe that's you know, that you're not asking for more success, that you're not asking for a promotion or a raise or for your partner to step up in their relationship, etc. And so this is fear number four, I am on page 44, in the print version, so we might be afraid of a yes, if we're going to ask for what we want. And then we'll have to level ourselves up and really, truly show up. Okay? So it's not and what I say in this book, to quote myself, the author, I say, “it's not that you're afraid of having more money, better relationships, or more opportunities, what you're afraid of, is the results of that.” So more money or promotion at work might mean more pressure. If your partner gives you what you want, and gives you what you're asking for, you might feel like this is the healthiest relationship you've ever had, and that might lead to be more vulnerable and might lead to, you're not used to this great relationship and you feel that it's destined to fail, it might ask you to kind of look at things that you might have to look at, like in a therapist office, things like that. So again, I want to reiterate that’ it's not that you're afraid of the success, it's you're afraid of the results of that success’.
So my invitation Katherine into any of you who might have this fear of success, is to really kind of get to the nitty gritty and ask yourself, like, what are the results that could happen if I have more success? Like be specific. Are you afraid of having more money, and you need to work on your money stuff? Are you afraid of the spotlight that might get put on you if you are successful in maybe starting your own business? Or you get that promotion, and you are managing a team that is larger than your used to? You know that spotlight can just paralyze you. So I want you to get really specific with what it is that you're afraid of so that you can dig into that. So that you can maybe bring it to your therapist and kind of unpack what it is that you're really afraid of. Sometimes we were stuck in our fear and we're not even really sure what the fear is, you know? It's like this kind of like, big meta view, kind of arbitrary thing and it's called success. What is that exactly? Like, be specific. And then baby steps. You know, maybe you don't have to have these huge leaps and bounds. Maybe it's small things.Maybe you ask for a, you know, just a little bit more responsibility at work. And I'm not asking you to sort of undermine yourself and like, just ask for crumbs, but just start with baby steps. So that's, that's one part of it.
And then, the other thing that I talk about, also, the fear of success is in chapter two Start Shining Too Bright. And I also recommend the book, if you guys, have you read the book, The Big Leap by Gay Hendricks? It's right behind me. I recommend it a lot. And he talks about sort of our upper… What does he call them again? The upper upper limit problem? Upper limit problem. Yeah. And how we all have this kind of set point where that could be like in our relationships, or with the amount of money that we earn, or maybe it's like our level of fitness or physical health or whatever it is. And when we go outside of that, or should it be more specific, like when we go above that, above and beyond that is when we many times can self-sabotage. And so it's a fairly short read. There's one chapter of it, like I just skipped over about Einstein Time. I tell people like, just if that's confusing, don't worry about it. But one of the things that I really resonate with, and I quote him in the book is he talks about this fear of outshining others. And I see this with a fair amount of my clients because as women we're taught to not shine too bright, right? We're taught to not draw too much attention to ourselves, and many times we fear leaving people behind. You know, these can be our childhood friends, or our colleagues or our siblings or our parents, you know, fear of making more money than the people closest to us. This fear of outshining others, so I invite you to take a look at that Katherine and anyone else who struggles with this. Like, is that something that I know that I've definitely struggled with that of leaving people behind? And, you know, being someone who's ambitious and just driven, it is something that I've had to unpack and also have candid conversations with people about and you know, and add some humor into it, too, and some levity, because it doesn't have to be so serious. And then I wrote this question down, because I'm a coach, and we tend to come up with just these very open ended questions for maybe you to think about, and journal on. And that question I wrote down was, what if she can learn to feel safe there? So it's not necessarily, I'm not necessarily asking you? What is safe, you know, can you feel safe there? Not a yes or no, or what would it look like to feel safe yhere? That's a valid question. And maybe, maybe one that you can answer but what if you can learn to feel safe there, like what might happen if you could feel safe in that place of success? And I again, invite you to be specific about your success. What if you could learn to feel safe, making more money than your parents ever did? What if you could learn to feel safe having a job or a relationship that is, you know, bigger and healthier than anyone you've ever known? And that question can kind of be translated into a few different ways in which I'm not going to say because I want you to interpret it as whatever resonates with you. So that was a very long-winded answer to a really great and sometimes complex question, and I thank you, Katherine for asking it was a great question.
There's some new people that have joined us. And I just want to quickly say if you have questions, you can type them in the chat. Emily, my amazing co-host is monitoring that. And you can discuss in the chat if you want to. And at the very end, we are going to do just a random drawing for the new version of How To Stop Feeling Like Shit.
Okay, our next question is from Danelle in the chat. She asked is the updated version going to be available on Audible?
Yes, it should be now. I would love, love love if one of you went and checked. It should be a yellow thumbnail for the new version. Can someone check maybe while you're on the call, if you don't mind and tell us if it's available? I have recorded it, and it should be edited like fairly quickly. It absolutely should be ready by the 27th to come out in your… Is that I have never purchased a book on Audible that was like about to come out. Like I've only purchased books that already have been out. So is that how they do it? Does it usually like suddenly become available in your library like the day it comes out? Is that how it works? Do you know Emily?
I have never done that either. But Danelle is saying yes and she sees it there. I don't see it on Audible on the Canadian site yet.
Don’t see it on the Canadian site yet? Okay. Hopefully soon. And that's that's a good question for us to ask the people over at Hachette Audio Canada. Thank you for the question. What else?
Okay, a new question. Andrea, have you ever thought about writing a novel?
Yes. Um, I just don't know how. No, that's not exactly true. I just don't have the brain for that. I have such admiration for people that can think of stories. Fun fact, I read mostly fiction. People ask me like, oh, what good self-help books have you read lately, I'm like none. I am almost embarrassed to admit that I don't read a lot of self-help. A partly because I don't want it to, you know, like, especially if I'm writing my own book that I absolutely am like sober from nonfiction, self-help books, because I don't want it to kind of, you know, get in the way of what I'm doing or at all feel like, oh my gosh, that's what I was going to say and get all in my head about it. But, of course, I've read all of Brené Brown's books. And you know, I just told you, I read Gay Hendricks book and I've read Jen Sincero’s books, which I really truly love. They're also entertaining as well. Also, because it's what I do for a living, and I just like, unless it's like continuing education, then I don't do it for pleasure. So I read a ton of thrillers. And if anyone's on Goodreads, you can follow me on Goodreads and like see all the books that I'm reading. I do love a good thriller. Except I don't love just the you know, the continuous trope of woman gets assaulted and murdered and her body is found in the woods and we're gonna find you did it. It's like come up with a new storyline. I do read those sometimes, but I love thrillers and I have a handful of authors that I really like and that I buy all their books. But no, that's not really how my imagination works. But I have such admiration for people who do that. And I can see how, now that I'm writing a memoir, I can see why it takes so long for people to write books, and write novels and just fiction in general, like the characters and making them three dimensional and the plot. Anyway, it's just so much more involved to me than writing a self-help book. But I don't know, maybe fiction writers would think the other way around.
One you question the ad that was pre submitted was, are you going to teach any more writing classes?
Yes, I so appreciate this question, because I hadn't planned on it and I messaged my dear friend, Amy Ahlers, who I have taught too in writing classes with the first one was like during the onset of the pandemic, and 2020. And they were popular and well loved by the women that took the writing classes. And I texted her this morning and said, hey, someone asked me if I was going to teach any more writing classes, and I would love to teach that writing class with you. Are you up for it? And she said, yes. So yes. Stay tuned. 2023, yes. So make sure that you either listen to the podcast, or better yet are on my email list and get my emails and look for that and it should be coming up I would say within maybe a late winter, early spring. I can't say for certain, but probably fairly soon.
And that's for Renee.
Renee. Thank you, Renee. Yes. And you can also work with me privately, specifically, around writing a book proposal. I'm going to actually send out some emails about that if anyone's interested in being traditionally published. And I've also helped clients write their nonfiction book. I'm happy to do like a quick 20 minute call with you to see if it's something that I might be a good fit to help you. And if I'm not, then I know so many authors that I probably know someone who can help you to get the work that you're looking for. If you're looking for private work, but for group stuff. Yeah, stay tuned.
If you'd like to consume podcasts, which I'm assuming that you do, because you’re here. If you do, I think you would love audiobooks, if you have not found them already. Audible has a free trial, you can try it for 30 days for $0 and then you can get two free audiobooks with Premium Plus, all three of my books are over there on Audible 52 Ways To Live A Kick Ass Life, How To Stop Feeling Like Shit and Make Some Noise. Plus, most of the books I recommend here on this show, and my guests’ books are over there as well. After 30 days, you get one audiobook a month for $14.95 a month and you receive a 30% off the price of additional audiobook purchases, and you can cancel at any time. Easy peasy. Your books are yours to keep even if you cancel, go to AndreaOwen.com/audible to sign up for your free trial. That's AndreaOwen.com/audible.
One of my biggest fears, and I was thinking about this, because at a therapy session, I go every other Wednesday, and my therapist was talking about he mentioned like the word neuroses, you know, and he's like, you know, your neuroses or blah, blah, blah. And he always says, you know, everyone has one, or some you know, we all have like things that trip us up, and whether it's, you know, comes from our childhood, which it usually does. And I was thinking about it this morning after I dropped off my kids and I was driving home and I have a couple. One of them being is I have a deep, deep fear that no one's going to come to my party. That is one of the reason I don't like to plan birthday parties for myself, because I am so deeply, I take it so personally when people can't come, and even if it's for good reason, you know, like they have COVID or, you know, their mom's in the hospital like, I'm just like so hurt, like my inner critic comes in and says like, they don't really like you all that much. Like they're just pretending. Like that's my neuroses. And so when it even comes to calls like this, I get this, like quiver in my stomach of like, oh my god, Emily, it's just gonna be you and me coming to my party, and I'm always here because I pay her. But that's the stuff that goes through my mind you guys, so you're not alone if you have neuroses that you think are weird. Or if you have the same one that I do, you're afraid no one's going to come to your party.
Our next question is from Molly who shared in the chat. My question feels too huge. What if you feel like you're deciding on everything in life, like what to do with your relationship, where to live, what to do for a living. 2022 has been completely insane and I don't have any thought traction. Any advice? Is this something I can ask.
I wrote about this in Make Some Noise. And if you have a copy of Make Some Noise, I invite you to go back to chapter eight, it was looking in the wrong section, Start Writing It Out and Practicing Resilience. And that chapter was born from a client that I had, who had a similar experience that you very briefly described. She had so many things coming at her at once she had her father was very, very gravely ill in the hospital, she had an ex-boyfriend, whom she had lived with who she had broken up with, and he was stalking her and also holding hostage so many of her personal items. Many of them like were family heirlooms and like her with her father being sick and dying, it was like extra painful for her. She just gotten sober. She was dealing with BS at work. And she came to our coaching session, and she was crying and she said, I have been working on myself for so long, I've read so many great self-help books and listen to all the podcasts and follow all the all the right experts, like there's got to be a tool to like get me out of this, you know? To be able to, to, you know, focus on one thing or like, you know, be able to bypass things easier and be able to handle things better. And she was beating herself up for not being able to handle things better. What we coached around was, sometimes you get handed like the most gigantic shit sandwich you feel like you've ever been handed at once. And I also think to Molly, coming off the heels of the pandemic, yes, it's been, you know, we're coming up on three years here in March. But in like the grand scheme of our lives, it really has been a short time since this has happened and we have this collective grief and things are not the same as they used to be. And I think all of us are changed in some way. Some of us, you know, are just at our limit with things that we can handle. And I say all that, because my hope is that you can give yourself some extra grace, that things are harder, and there will always be someone that has it harder than you there will always be someone that hasn't harder than you always. And it doesn't mean that things aren't difficult for you. And it might be like the most difficult time of your life. So my advice is, you know, heaps and heaps and heaps of self-compassion. Emily, can you read me the question specifically that she had? Because she listed all these really difficult things about 2022, and then what was the exact question?
The exact question is, what if you feel like you're deciding on everything in your life?
If you're deciding on everything? Yeah, I just the thing that has helped me in those moments, it reminds me, you know, when my whole life fell apart. I briefly described it at the very at the top of the call, and I got out a calendar, like a paper calendar and you can get them for like $4.99 on Amazon, like kittens on it or whatever, the kind that have the month on the table. And I got a Sharpie and I started crossing off the days like old school one day at a time, because it helped me see that time was actually passing, and that I could only handle one day at a time. I can only handle one thing at a time. And it sounds like this is a time in your life where you need to pile on the self-care extra, extra extra. So it's leaning on friends and or family members, coworkers that you trust when they say things like let me know if you need anything. Take them up on it and just say I actually do. Can you meet me for coffee? Or can you walk my dog this weekend so I can like take an extra nap? Or whatever it is that you need. Lean on people that are in your life. You know things like the basics like I forget about this stuff to the basics like getting enough sleep, drinking enough water, trying to get out in nature, even though it depends on where you live. It's not the best weather right now. These basic things that we hear about all the time that never changed that are never new. Check in with yourself. Are you getting all of those things? Are you having connections with people? You know, have you guys seen that? That documentary that's out right now that Jonah Hill did called Stutz, where he basically interviews his therapist, it's really great. I love a therapist who can create metaphors is one of the reasons I love Brené Brown's work because she does so many of her methodologies and tools via metaphor. And he does this pyramid and I cannot remember what he calls remember off the top of my head. And you know, there's like three parts, when it comes to taking care of yourself and sort of, you know, being your best self. The biggest part, I think he said, like 85% is your body. And that is exactly what I was just talking about. Making sure you're getting enough sleep, drinking enough, fueling yourself with foods that your body really, really likes and can digest well. And it's one of those things where I forget this too, like how important that actually is, to our well-being. And sometimes it's helpful for me to kind of get out of my own head drama. I'm not saying this is happening to you, Molly, and I'm not making accusations that you have had drama. But you might, if you're anything like me, where I'm like, oh, my God, there's so many things, I can't take on another thing, and just reminding myself, I don't need to decide this, right. In this moment, I can just put one foot in front of the other. hat do I need to get done in the next hour? Okay, well, I need to like finish up these emails for work. And then don't even think about what you need to do when you get home from work. Like you don't even need to think about that right now. So in the most, most stressful times, that's what I do is pull way back and not what they call a future trip. In the rooms of recovery, we call it future tripping. Like when you're thinking about all these things that need to happen and what could happen and then you're in worst case scenario, and then you have head drama. Yeah, that was long winded, but I was kind of throwing a bunch of stuff out there hoping some of it would land. Good question. And I'm just I'm sorry too. It sounds like it fucking sucks. Like, let's just call it what it just sounds like it sucks. And I'm just I'm sorry. We've all been there.
We have our first live question. And it is a big question. So feel free to come off mute. Yeah, it looks like you are Kaleelah.
Hi, I'm Kaleelah. Can you hear me?
Yes. Hi, Kaleelah.
Hi. Okay, so my question kind of relates a little bit to what you've said, and what Molly was asking. So I feel like I'm an ambivert. So I too, was having a situation where I felt like, okay, like, on the introverted side of things of wanting to work on myself, it did feel like a lot and I've been working on that pacing things and that purchasing process, you know, I feel better about that. But then my extroverted side feels like it's lacking. I'm kind of in a town where I feel like, it's hard to meet new people my age, and I feel like I don't have current, like friendships or bonds that I can lean on for, you know, we're kind of a situation where you feel like you can talk to family, but they don't really understand it. So again, that side of me is lacking. So I just wondered what you would suggest, based off of that, to kind of help me feel more balanced because I've been trying things but haven't really had much luck.
Okay, so before I give you any advice on this, tell us what you've been trying where you haven't had much luck.
Okay, um, so I have a group of friends, but I feel like we're more like distant friends. So I was still like, try to reach out, hey, how are you? I'll try I mean, voicenotes, I'll try and invite them to a little get togethers, I'll go to some if I'm invited, but it's kind of like, very rare, just me making effort in that aspect to try to really get depth out of the friendship. And I feel like, it would be situation where the conversation is stopped short before it gets anywhere, they disappear often they, don't come back. So it's kind of like I'm trying to build a bond here. But it's hard to if it's not being reciprocated, that sort of thing. And I feel like I'm trying as many avenues as I can, especially if we live like an hour or two and a half away. So that's where I'll try and like, okay, does this event work? See, does this time period work for you, and it just never works out every time I try to plan some things. And then I've tried like new bonds. But again, like with my town, there's not really much of a space for interactions from what I've seen. And I've even tried like, like apps like Bumble, and that didn't really go too far. So those are the things I've tried so far.
It's, it's hard, and I am deep sighing here, because I've so been there. I live in a small town in North Carolina, and it's been tricky to build friendships and so I totally understand. You're gonna partly hate me for my answer. And that's going to be keep trying. Keep doing what you're doing. I do think that the pandemic has sort exacerbated this problem. I think for a multitude of reasons. I I'm hopeful that things are going to turn around as more and more people start feeling like you start feeling like they need to have more connections in their life. So my hope is that you do start to see a little bit of a turnaround of people responding and starting to get together. There's a saying in the… my alma mater for my coaching school, The Coaches Training Institute, one of my favorite sayings is they said that sometimes in a coaching conversation, you need to just say what's there. And it's kind of calling out the elephant in the room but sometimes it's not that dramatic.
And so what this might look like for you, and you may have already done this, and so maybe this is helpful for other people listening is be very transparent about what it is that you're trying to do and what you're looking for. And this is going to be uncomfortable for most people and feel really awkward. So like, say, I'm trying to hook up with Emily more and like, spend more time with her because I really liked her and, and, you know, she's maybe she doesn't answer texts all the time and you know, canceled on me a couple of times, and I'm kind of getting tired of it. So I might, in my next phone call, or email or text, say, hey, I'm just going to totally throw this out there, you know, because I don't want to waste anybody's time, but I really enjoy spending time with you and I've been trying to get together and I understand that, you know, sometimes it can feel just easier to cancel and get back in bed and knock it together but I really want to have a fun friendship with you, because I enjoy your company and if you're not looking for the same thing, please let me know or if it's something else, that's fine, too, but I'm super open to having a conversation about it. They may ghost you after that, but at least you kind of like you put yourself out there. And I just I think if you're willing enough and brave and courageous enough to even try in the first place, then why not take the next step and just say, hey, here's really what I'm trying to do. What do you think? Because they may be like, you know what, thank you for telling me that and I'm sorry, I've been kind of shitty and canceling on you. I would actually love to get together with you. You just never know, you really never ever know. You know, like, what do you think of that? What do you think when I say that?
So I think that is a good response. My question is because it is a hard conversation to have, for sure. Especially because people can fake things in different ways, even if that's not an ill intention. So for me with addressing it a part of me wants to kind of give examples. So I wonder if I should just avoid or like kind of say like, hey, you know, like you said, I want to uphold a real friendship with you but I feel like, you know, saying what I feel is the issue. Like, I feel like when I tried to reach out, you disappear louder. It just never happened. I don't want them to feel attacked, but I also feel like some time this necessary to put the truth. So that's why I'm kind of unsure of how best to balance expressing it so they really understand. Because like how you said in your scenario, the other person might be like, oh, yeah, you're right, I have been canceling. Some people won't even mention that. You know, so then it makes me feel like maybe I should mention it. So I don't know. I'm wondering what you feel should I just avoided, avoid that part and just express it, like you said, just the need to start?
Yeah, it's all in the delivery. If at all possible, do not do this over text. If you I don't know if it's if it can be done iPhone to Android, but I know it with an iPhone, we can use, not voice to text, but just voice message where they can hear your cadence and they can hear your delivery, you have a you have a beautiful soft voice. So but if someone's reading it via text, they might completely misinterpret it. I love that you asked for an example. And so you can always start and say, I'm making up that you don't really want to have a friendship with me. Is there any truth to that? And they might say something like, oh my gosh, no, I have stuff going on over here. And I'm you know that they may we have no idea what's going on in their life. They might just be flaky. Who knows? But I do think it's worth putting it out there and just being as kind and compassionate and giving them the benefit of the doubt instead of being accusatory, which is you're right. It's going to automatically put them on the defense.
Okay, okay, that sounds good. Thank you.
I do have one more follow up question actually. So at what point so if we have this conversation and you kind of give it some time because I'm learning like trends is a thing to kind of learn from like at what point do you feel like, okay, this really isn't working no matter what they say their actions are telling me the opposite or like, I need to just keep my peace and let this go. Like, I know it depends on the person. But I just wanted to know what you thought about that.
Yeah. That's a good question. I think, you know, trust your gut for one, but as we know, and as I've written about and Make Some Noise, a lot of times we don't trust our own gut, and we second guess ourselves. So in that case, that actually happened to me about a year or so ago. I had a friend out here, some stuff had happened, and we ran into each other and it was really awkward. And I'm like, something's definitely going on with her and I don't know what it is. And she hadn't reached out to me in a long time but I also hadn't reached out to her. So I did exactly what I just told you. And I sent her a text and I said, hey, I feel like something happened between us and I'm not sure what it was, I genuinely didn't know. Like, if I had done something or if something was going on. And because she was local, I said, can we meet up? So we went and had lunch and it was I was terrified. And we both probably were, and you know, after some small talk, I asked her what happened. And she was honest with me. And she's like, I felt like you I wanted to be friends with you more than you wanted to be friends with me. And that wasn't actually true. And there was like this one time, that was really didn't mean anything and I had canceled on her kind of last minute and it truly was like something had happened and she took it personally and she thought I was like making it up, which wasn't true. So we ended the conversation, where we had both made up stories that weren't true. We left it at okay, good. We're friends again. Let's plan to do something. So what ended up happening unfortunately, we did plan to do something and then she canceled on me super abruptly. And I found out that she had like, lied about her cancellation. And I was like, okay, I guess she really didn't want to be friends. And it was super excruciating and I wish this story had a better happy ending. However, it took the second time for me to go, okay, this wasn't meant to be and I was really trying to force something that… I was really hurt from it and I also you guys know, I talk about grief when friendships and because we can grieve the loss of our friendship as we do a romantic relationship. And I just don't feel like it gets talked about enough. Yeah. Trust your gut as best you can. If you are unsure, then I suggest reaching out to have if at all possible and in person conversation to see what can come of it to talk about it. Okay,
You're welcome. My pleasure. Great questions. Super universal too.
Thank you. Our next question is from Anke I hope I'm saying that right. Are you at Enneagram Type eight?
Yes. Yeah, I feel like I've said that on the podcast, which maybe she didn't know. Yes, I'm an eight wing seven. Are you also an eight because eight women tend to be not super common. The eight is the Challenger for anyone who's not super familiar with the Enneagram. So Chelsea Handler is an eight. Trying to think of other celebrities that I know of that are eights. We tend to have very strong, dominant, and sometimes aggressive personalities. At our worst we are aggressive and talk over people and are domineering and too loud in inappropriate situations. At our best, we are fantastic leaders. So yes, I am wing seven, which is the enthusiast. I am enthusiastic.
While you're kind of flipping through the people, I invite you to kind of like post in the chat. Those of you that are here live like where are you? I know Joelle is in Pennsylvania. Um, somebody else is I missed it. I just saw something pop up on the chat and talking about where they are and might not be in the United States. But yeah, hopefully some friendships can develop and find each other on social media. And these are definitely like-minded spirits that are in this group. So that's, that's awesome. Thanks for being here, everybody.
So I'm gonna let Emily choose a winner. And before we forget, before you all jump off, don't forget that there's bonuses I didn't mention that at the top of the call for the rerelease of How To Stop Feeling Like Shit. Let me show you really quick. We're doing these bookplates which I also did for Make Some Noise. They are these fun little things, these stickers that I will personalize and sign them for you. So AndreaOwens.com/HTSFLS to grab your bonuses, and I will snail mail this to you for free. We're also doing..there's a sharing contest if you share on social media about the book, you can get entered to win a drawing for a free session with me. We're giving away books, all kinds of things. And there's a free podcast series that goes with the rerelease where I'm taking you kind of behind the scenes as well as additional tools that go along with some of the most popular chapters that I wrote about and like the questions I get asked the most about a handful of chapters in this book. What am I missing Emily? We're doing the giveaway, the book plates, the podcast series.
The workbook. The workbook will be sent out around December 27. For those who have signed up for book bonuses.
Yeah, it's for free and it has all of the questions that are at the end of every chapter in the book that are printable for you to be able to work through it, and it costs $0, all of that stuff. So thank you, everyone for being here. Emily, who's going to get a free copy of How To Stop Feeling Like Shit?
Danelle, is our winner.
It absolutely changed my life.
She's holding up Make Some Noise for those of you that are only on audio. Thank you. Thank you.
I saw you live at a convention for a company that I worked at that recently went under and tested my borderline personality traits so immensely. It was insane. And because of this book, you're on my board of directors, and so much, so thank you. Yeah.
Oh, I love that. Thank you.
And I just put a question in the chat because my husband and I share an Amazon account and everything I get signed, has his name instead of mine. Is there any way to change that? I would love it to be my name instead of his.
Emily will help you with that. All right. Thank you so much. Congratulations, Danelle. Thank you for those of you who asked your question and those of you that were just here live with us on the call just joining us for moral support. I appreciate you so much. Again, December 27 Is the rerelease of how to stop feeling like shit. And to close up this podcast episode, remember everyone, it's our life's journey to make ourselves better humans and our life's responsibility to make the world a better place. Bye for now.
Hey, did you know there's free secret podcast episodes waiting for you that are not part of my regular podcast feed? Yes. AndreaOwen.com/free and you just sign up. You get a link sent to you. It's very secret. It's like a secret club. We don't have a secret handshake. Don't worry about that. But it's these motivating podcast episodes that I made for you. They're under 20 minutes each. There's three of them there for wherever you are in your life. So head on over there and grab them. They range from really supporting you and seeing you where you are and being compassionate all the way to giving you a giant kicking your ass and telling you how amazing and gorgeous and phenomenal you are. So AndreaOwen.com/free and get your hands on that free podcast feed.